I had one of those heart to heart talks with my kids, one night while we were doing our snuggle time before bed. It started with that beautiful embrace as they stretched their arms out to me and squealed ‘Do that thing you do mommy!” I jumped on the bed in between them and rolled over to hug and kiss one child, while the other screamed and fought for me. I then turned and hugged and kissed the other child, while the other one fought for me. And as they giggled and kept battling for my attention while reaching and pulling me back and forth, I soaked in the incredible power of a mother’s love. Every night, this is my precious moment to hold in my heart. Every night they beg for my attention, over and over again.
And as I lied there, now with both kids entangled in my arms and legs and the true core of who I am, I breathed out my love for my children.
“Oh, how I love you two so much. How I missed you while I was in Texas! ”
And they squeezed tighter and loved harder, pulling me in with a grasp that seemed to seal it all together.
Our love.
Us
I began to set our sights on summer, asking them what they really wanted to do most for our short summer months ahead. And I was both surprised and convicted with their response.
They didn’t talk about summer camps, and swimming and friends. They didn’t wish for vacations and excursions and fairs full of fun.
Their greatest wish was more of me.
“I wish you could still teach my class at church mom. It’s so boring now. I don’t even want to be there. I hate that I never get to see you anymore. You’re always helping other kids and I want so badly to be in that group with you! It’s not fair. You’re too busy.”
“Mom, can you just stop blogging at least on the weekends, so we can play?”
And the conversation went on…
And my heart sank.
I know I am a good mother to these precious children. I know I give them tons of attention and love. But as they shared their deepest desires, I listened. And I responded with validation and a new commitment to them. I realized that my most important calling was compromised, and they have spoken truth.
I explained as I always do, how important these other elements are in my life. They know. They truly understand my calling to serve and my passion to write. They know that I have a purpose that pulls me away from them at times, and I believe that is okay. But the true test of motherhood, is finding that delicate balance between it all.
This pivotal night confirmed my new set of summer priorities. Because I know there will come a summer season, where they won’t want more of me… perhaps much less.
My kids want me this summer.
Me.
And with that profound wish, I will see to it that they get what they deserve. It’s time to match my priorities with my actions.
For them. For me. For us.
I know you will miss writing and your little world online, and your friends, but your priorities are perfect and I’m prouder of you than I can begin to express that your children were able to express those views with utter confidence that you would hear them and respond to their needs.
And your response is PERFECT. Perfectperfectperfect. And I’m so happy.
OH Lizzi! Your confidence in me and my parenting simply means the WORLD to me!!!! I struggle to ‘let go’- because you KNOW how passionate I am about the relationships I have on line and wanting so badly to support so many dear friends here in this separate beautiful universe. But I simply MUST establish priorities now, as the need is right in front of me… begging me to be a mom first.
Hmm…those moments when Kidzilla blurts out something like that make my heart sink, too. We think we’re doing it “right,” and then there’s the moment of doubt. I’m clicking over to the other site to check it out.
P.S. – those are two very adorable kids!
I try not to think of it in terms of right and wrong… we are loving moms with good intentions and dedicated hearts, aren’t we? I like to think of it as a bit of a remodeling… assessing where we are and what needs a bit of renovation. 😉 It’s a life long process, so as we run this marathon there may be a few turns that need tweaked. How’s that? Works for me!
If I feel I’ve failed them, or I am in doubt- this is my mantra!!
OH, Chris – I’m struggling with this same stuff right now. My boys are older and it’s not “cool” for them to say they want to hang out with me but I know they get frustrated if I’m always on my laptop so I’m spending less and less time on it this summer!
Hug those kiddos and let them play fight over you as often as possible because these years are going to fly by!!!
It’s a constant struggle to manage our ‘passions’ isn’t it Kim? I keep telling myself that my children are FIRST in line. And not only do they deserve that, I as their mother deserve that too.
I know this feeling well and part of the reason I am being consciously more present for them, including taking much more downtime on the weekends now myself to spend with my girls and Kevin, too. Hugs and I know you are an amazing mother 🙂
Good for YOU Janine!!! I don’t know how you do it all… you are stealth! Superwoman! Beloved friend! Amazing mom! Incredible wife! I want your secret. Write about it here, would ya? I would LOVE to have you!!! (ONLY when you have the time- no pressure!!!! Kids and hubs FIRST.) XOXO
You are a wise woman to embrace the time while it is here and to realize that although they will still want their mommy, your role in their lives will change. Enjoy your time with those two precious gifts.
I’m trying!! It’s a battle between two passions or maybe three or four! But I must constantly make that choice that this one? Is the best one. The most important one. And that my commitment must be to them FIRST. (Still praying for you…)
What a wonderful mother you we to inspire such confidence and honesty in your children. How wonderful of you to truly listen to their concerns. Inspiring!
Oh Sarah! Your words are such an encouragement to me! Thank you friend. SO grateful. 🙂
What an amazing statement of their love for you, Chris. This is going to be an incredible summer for all of you and for all of us who get to share the experience.
Thank you my friend. It’s mighty chaotic and crazy… but living is much like that, yes? I am trying my damndest to embrace it!! Let go when I am needed and give it all… 100%. Or maybe about 88% actually. lol
You’re it this summer! Enjoy it… I feel that I’m in the same boat with my nine-year-old. She’s not going to want me around in a few years. I need to soak up all I can right now!
Have a blessed summer!
Apparently so, Joey! And that’s a really beautiful thing, isn’t it? I MUST embrace it and relish in the fact that my kiddos want ME. Boundaries set. ONly when they are at camp or after they go to bed. (For the most part.)
Oh, my heart aches! My son isn’t old enough to say it in these exact words yet, but I know he’s wanting more of me too. My husband and I are starting a weekly tech sabbatical kind of thing to help us be more present at home.
Oh gosh Katie! I LOVE that idea!!! I really need to do something like that!! I try to take ‘sabbaticals’ every day, when the kids are home from camp and all our summer stuff. Letting go is so hard. Thank you for that inspiration!!
You know, I think we can all learn a little from this. I love how honest your kids are! Sometimes it is time to put away the computer and just enjoy life with our families. Enjoy your summer, Chris!
SO much easier said than done, ya know? SO hard to let go. I am trying though. There are days I am ‘in it’ living life with the kids and that is GOOD. But my heart still clenches at the thought of all I could be ‘getting done’ with blogging…and all the friends I am missing out on reading and supporting! It’s a constant challenge for me. But I am relentless in my efforts!
I love this! So, so true. It’s easy for me to forget that my daughter needs me more than I need to blog! Thanks for linking up at Mommy Moments. Perfect fit 🙂
You are SO sweet Faith! Thank you. Your support and grace are a blessing!!!
Ack! I know my kids probably have those same thoughts and it is so difficult to balance it all! I don’t think my kids (or my husband) understand how this “blogging thing” feeds my soul. They just see it as something that takes me away from them. I am trying to reconfigure and find a better division of my time. I admire your commitment to give them more of you and I hope I can do the same this summer!
It is SO HARD to do it, isn’t it Lisa? I have tried to set boundaries, and I am showing it in my actions- but my heart SCREAMS “I have so much blogging to do!!!” It’s a part of us- and a passion. Sometimes I feel that motherhood and blogging are at battle.
Wonderful post Chris… and good for you!
I have time slots that I allow myself to blog/visit blogs (usually after my kids are in bed or during their rest times).
It’s a juggling act, that’s for sure!
Hugs to you! Enjoy your summer!
xoxo
I am trying to stick my ‘time slots’ as well, Jennifer. But sometimes they are so few and I struggle with accepting that. I wish I could give 100% in everything I am passionate about! It’s impossible. I must surrender one for the other. SO hard.
“I wish I could give 100% in everything I am passionate about” – I hear you Chris… oh do I hear you!
HUGS!
We’ll enjoy whatever time you do spend in this beautiful space this summer, darlin’, and we’ll know when we DON’T see you, that you’re doing something oh-so-very important, and perhaps it’ll remind us to do the same. Slow down, breathe them in, enjoy! xo
Do you know how much I love love LOVE having you back? Do you know how much your words still touch my heart? Oh Michelle… I am SO grateful for YOU.
(Now I need to possibly re-subscribe to This Little Light, because I am not getting your posts in my inbox anymore! I have lost many email subscriptions for some random reason- so frustrating!)
Chris, I think it says a lot about you as a mom that they felt safe enough to tell you those things! They are lucky to have you, that’s for sure!!
Thank you so much for that insight and encouragement Rabia. It means so much to me!!! I hope they always feel safe enough to tell me anything.
“Mom, can you just stop blogging at least on the weekends, so we can play?”***
Wake Up Call!
It’s all about balance! Isn’t it hard to balance kids, husbands, writing, blogging, family, physical exercise, mental awareness, GOD?!!!
At least get my phone number so we can talk if you’re not blogging.
xxxx LOVE!
Oh girlfriend, you think I am going to miss even ONE of your posts? PALEASE!!!! Never. Nope. Not. Ever.
I set some boundaries. Like when they are at camp or playing with friends etc… I BLOG. After they go to bed… I BLOG.
It’s few and far between now- so that’s hard. I want to pour everything into these relationships on line. EVERYTHING. But my kiddos are first. They must be. 🙂
We need to get each other’s phone numbers anyway, yes?
My kids will have me – unplugged completely – for 9 days in the woods when we go camping. Soak it up littles — because after that mama is definitely taking mini breaks to blog throughout the summer months!
that’s balance right? 🙂
I’m too much of a kid myself — you know I got stuffed planned and yes some of it involves water balloons and mama never misses! LOL
Wow! If this doesn’t cut right through! Our kids ARE the most important thing, and I am always so poignantly reminded of this when I remember that they won’t always want my time. Time to for me to get off this computer and go love on them, I think?!