Parenting is hard. So hard. And we all have different ideas and perceptions and ways of doing our best to raise our kids. I have discovered through the years, that the hardest part of parenting is letting go of expectations. There is this notorious “rule book of raising kids” that I seem to not follow most of the time. The ages and stages and phases that we are commanded to track and ensure our children are successfully achieving… get blurry over here in our house. Perhaps it’s because my first born was never ever on track. Her entire life, she was behind. So many therapies and doctors terrified me with such drastic differences compared to ‘other healthy babies’… and after the trips to Children’s hospital for physical therapy 3 times a week .. and the home care occupational therapy day after day… and the speech therapy week after week… she still never ever made it to ‘there’. And most of you know, her physical health was constantly unresolved as well. Being a first time mother, I was terrified and discouraged constantly… feeling the pressure to produce what my child could not. The demands of her development seemed to determine her success. I was desperate to get her ‘there’.
Pushing.
And yet?
Somewhere along the way, I discovered the better part of parenting. Letting go of expectations that forced a suffocating grip on my heart. With both my kids, I finally grew confident in knowing that they will survive if they aren’t perfectly on track. And with that release…
I am liberated to love them exactly where they’re at. Not holding out for ‘there’, but embracing ‘here’.
No worrying. No fierce judgment. No conditions or harsh decisions.
I just meet them here. In this place. Where they’re stuck. In this phase.
And love them through it.
Come read more about this over at my sweet friend Tricia’s place, Raising Humans. She invited me over to share my thoughts on The Better Part of Parenting, in her guest series: “Growing Together”. And while you’re there, take a look around. Tricia’s words will inspire you!
And aren’t they just beautiful? Look at those faces. I love your words, my friend, and they remind of when The Boy was teeny, too. I used to laugh because other moms would talk percentiles and stages and “is he doing this yet or that yet”? And half the time I wouldn’t even know where he was “on the charts” because doggone it, I’d made it much farther along in his pregnancy than I had with the girls, and he was alive and healthy … who wants to compare our kids to the average anyway, right? 🙂
And what a beautiful and POWERFUL perspective you have dear friend. You earned that right to not care about stages and percentiles. Oh, how you earned it. Thank GOD for your precious boy!!!
Amen, sister! So true – so very true.
I KNOW you get this Andrea! I know you do! XOXO
“I am liberated to love them exactly where they’re at”. Amen. You get it. I am not surprised because you are such a loving and thoughtful person. I fully believe this idea is the essence of good parenting.
Of course we are always teaching our children and helping them become the people they are going to be, but the essence of loving someone is loving them as they are (not as you wish they were or think they could be). I can think of so many relationships (husband/wife…friends) that are ruined by not accepting people and appreciating them as they come to the table. Our kids are no different !
It can be hard for parents when our children aren’t performing the ideal we have in mind whether it’s with sports…or academics…or hobbies…whatever…but they deserve and need our love just as they are. Parents who don’t get this have children who feel they don’t ever measure up. Parents who do get this, have children who feel loved and accepted.
Fantastic post, Chris. Really, really spot on and thought provoking! –Lisa
Ah Lisa!!! How many ways do I love thee? Let me count them… neh. I’m too tired. lol
I LOVE your comment so so so so much!!!!! YES YES YES and…
YES!
I know you get this. Completely. And that is one out of 549,876,840 ways I love you! 🙂
So so happy to have you at my place this week! I love your parenting perspective so so much!
I truly am honored to have contributed to your series and I love that you appreciate my parenting, Tricia! Means the world to me, friend. XO
This I get. So very, very much. This is a profound idea, and one at which I still have to work hard. My daughter is also not “there.” She may never be “there.” And I have poured (or is it pored?) over the questionnaires and scales and lists, too. Now when I get them, I immediately toss them. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
The best advice I EVER received, I actually received more than once. But it’s good advice. “What’s a reasonable expectation for today?” Not six months, not next school year. What can I reasonably expect from my child today. Concentrating on that idea helps me live in the present.
I love that you get this, and live it!! What amazing advice. I truly did live day by day for YEARS. The only way. And even then? The expectations often didn’t get met. I actually started to just trust that she WILL be okay…even when it felt like she wouldn’t be. That’s kinda the part where God steps in… 🙂
Already met ya there! And I loved it.
I love you. And NOW? Every time I eat a burrito, or frozen pizza or cereal late at night, I think of you… every single time. Like last night. Chicken burrito. My ‘go to’ when I’m starving. And of course, I had some candy corn to go with it. I’m totally burned out of it, but I didn’t have the energy to dream up another idea. lol
🙂
I so agree with you on this Chris! It is our expectations that trip us up, not our children. I actually remember standing in a bookstore in Sarasota when my first daughter was about 15 months old and reading exactly that in a book about mothers. I didn’t buy the book and don’t remember its name or author, but I remembered its message!
And when we let go, then we are free to love them wholly, totally and exactly as they are. Yes. I agree. Completely.
Oh Yvonne! You said that so beautifully!! I love love love your comment!! XOXO
We do have so many expectations, don’t we? And we feel pressure to “keep up” or even exceed. I have an honor roll student who doesn’t have the drive to take it to the next level. She is not competitive about anything. She doesn’t want to stay after class for extra help to get an A instead of a B+, even if she’s just one point away. Or if she has a B-, well in her mind that’s still a B, and that’s okay with her. I’ve found that the less I talk to other mothers about grades and our kids’ social lives the better off I am. I can be easily influenced by what others say and do, even if I don’t admit it, I feel it on the inside. I could take a lesson from my daughter and just relax and be happy where I am! Sounds like you’ve mastered that. I think you’re lucky!
I absolutely love what you shared here! I too, constantly battle ‘inside’ with other’s parenting and kids… how can we NOT? It’s interesting how our children can truly challenge us to accept and meet them exactly where they are at. I totally get it. And I surely haven’t mastered it (will I ever?) but I do try. And that’s really all we can do, right?
Thanks SO much for coming by and sharing your perspective! So grateful. 🙂
I love that you use the word “liberated.” Letting go of the expectations truly is a form of freedom. Checking out your post now!
I always worry most about the moms that are truly held captive of the numbers and expectations, as I see them in angst and literally drive their parenting from there. I hate to see them so focused on an ‘outcome’ and measure the success of ‘their parenting’ and their ‘kids abilities and worth’ in this way. Breaks my heart.
How true is that?! Love them for where they’re at. Every kid is different and sometimes you just have to let them find their way. I have one that decides things are “good enough,” an overachiever, and one that is driven for certain things but not others. And you know what…they are all going to be just fine as adults. I know it.
Exactly Michelle!!! Honoring each kid’s different traits and abilities is so critical to developing their own self worth, and success!
I’ve had this bookmarked to read for several days and I’m finally getting to it. I need to read this right now. Expectations are damning, aren’t they? Your words here are good ones. Can’t tell you how relevant this is for us right now.
YES! Expectations ARE damning! I am so glad this spoke to you Lisa! That means so much to me. Praying you can find the peace and strength to parent how you need to parent, my friend!
Super late on this, but heading over now!
Bless your HEART for taking the time to read it Jennifer!!! I love you so so so so so so so much. (Add a few more so’s) 😉
I’ve never felt so clueless and unprepared for anything, as I did when I was a new mom. I didn’t read any books.. not even that What to Expect one. I didn’t read blogs or search the internet frantically. I didn’t seem to be doing anything that other moms were doing in preparation.
and looking back now, I’m kinda glad.
because I don’t think you really can prepare. you just gotta roll the sleeves up and get ‘er done! and lots of love. and adventure – because that’s what life should be.
I guess I’m always just a fly by the seat of your pants kinda gal.