I’m in a new parenting season where my teen daughter won’t take pictures.
When the perfect opportunity presents itself- I ask, I plead, I beg for just one- Just one picture to capture the moment.
Just one.
But she often refuses and I’m left with no photos to document how extraordinary she truly is.
I understand her need for self-preservation and protection, but man, it kinda stinks. I miss out on countless shots I’d give anything to have.
I’m not sure when my girl changed. She used to LOVE taking pictures of herself and begged me to all the time when she was a child, so innocent and carefree. Now when I ask to take a picture of her, she retorts with a quick, “No mom.” There are times she actually puts her hand in front of my phone as if I was threatening something humiliating and offensive. I have missed so many great moments, so many exciting events, so much of her life- all undocumented because my teen daughter won’t take pictures.
There are only certain acceptable times and places to have a photo shoot. There are specific details that are carried out in order to execute such an elaborate and serious mission. There are discussions about where and when this will take place. Then there are choices to be made on what to wear that fits well and looks attractive- not too flashy, not too sloppy. Then there is the hairstyle, the pose, and the smile. Often, friends are involved in these massive scenes, so many conversations are to be had to prepare for such an occasion.
I have taken many photo shoots, and I’m thrilled my girl asks me to do so. I adore being invited into the process and love to take the shots and help her pick out one she actually accepts as ‘good enough’.
But this only happens WHEN she is prepared, and WHEN she feels she looks picture worthy, and of course, there are strict legalities when it comes to sharing on social media.
These photo shoots look a little like this: I proceed to take around 100 pictures of her over the course of an hour, to review with diligent detail, then decide on a handful to then review again, while expanding the image, squinting our eyes to magnify every single nook and cranny of the photo, to then pick one she is fairly certain she might post, but she’ll think about it.
So yeah. It’s a thing.
These particular photo shoots are for her and they are not for her mama. These self-indulgent pictures don’t document the memories I want us to remember. They don’t chronicle the timely events she has experienced or celebrate the big moments that we’ll never get to see again. Those are the pictures I want to take- but my girl has rules, boundaries, and I try to respect them. Every once in a while, she says yes and even approves of a family photo, a cute pic with her brother, or even one of her alone. There are those rare occasions she even lets me share a picture of her on social media! It’s amazing when that happens.
I wrote some more about how my teen daughter doesn’t want to take pictures over on Your Teen for Parents and I’d love to have you read it HERE.
Going now!
Thanks babe! 🙂
Aw, Chris, I do feel your pain.
Take heart. I took one, yes that’s right, one photo of my son in his high school graduation gown. That is all I was ‘allowed’ to take. Isn’t that delightful? Oh yes, there are others but they were all taken by other parents. He happily posed for them. I hope that you have access to the photos taken by other parents or perhaps even by other friends of your daughter’s. Hunt ’em down on Fb, instagram, whatever it takes. They’re out there. Five years on, he and I laugh about it now. He looks at that one photo and grins. “Man, I was rude to you, Mom. I’m SO sorry.” Uh huh. Thank you for becoming an adult, little man.
I must add that I certainly wasn’t an angel when it came to photos of me back in the day. I remember my father getting so frustrated when I’d make a ‘monkey face’ every time he’d whip out the camera. There are no decent shots of me for years.
Kelly, I just love that you shared this! I could totally see me getting only one pic of my girl too. And I especially love that your son now gets it now! LOL. And that’s a BRILLIANT idea about hunting down those photos other people took! Friends will send me pics of her and I am SO GRATEFUL for that.
Kelly,
My senior had a mandatory senior ceremony that football coach demanded he attend. It required parents walking down the field with son to symbalize him playing on that field for the last time. And it ended with a family photo. I got super excited for this because I knew this would probably be my only picture with him.
Mo… LOL. I get you, girl. I SO get you. 🙂
This is tough Chris.
I’m at a time where I do take a lot of photos and my son loves it. It can only ask for more. Of him. And of us. I love watching them from time to time, it’s sweet and with these photos we are recalling the best, forgetting all the chaos that comes with raising children.
I believe the hardest part might be to see your child setting high expectations, looking at herself through glasses that are focusing on flaws and weaknesses when you see her as a wonderful and beautiful person.
Hope this will pass Chris.
Thinking of you
Yes, Marie- that IS the hardest part. Sigh… I suppose it’s quite normal for her age, my gosh at any age! I know I am guilty of the same high expectations and judgment on myself. Such a shame.
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement, friend. You’re such a dear soul.
When your teen’s self-conscious stage kicks in at high gear, look out hey? Good news is your daughter knows how to say no and put up boundaries! I like how Kelly said to hunt down the photos the other parents may have! What a great idea. And they may just be looking for photos that you have. It could turn into ‘Parents of Teens Photo Swap Group.’
Isn’t that a fantastic idea? I have had some parents send me pics and I am SO GRATEFUL. She might not like them, but at least I can save them for MEEE… It’s so hard to not be able to share so many incredible things through photos with my friends- and document them too. Such is this stage, I suppose. 🙁
Chris, I am ALREADY there. She’s 8 and he’s 5. I think I abused it with my career, though. I need to go read this now!
Tamara, with all your photography passion and work, I’m not surprised at all! But still, you manage to get the most gorgeous heart-stopping shots of those two kiddos. Now THAT’S talent. 🙂
I recall this stage very well, Chris. It will definitely pass. I don’t blame her in some ways, to the extent that social media really promotes ‘perfect’ selfies with all the filters, poses etc. I wonder if this is a subconscious concern of hers that her photo will be posted and she won’t feel it’s perfect? Even though of course she IS!
It’s harder for the young girls now with all the sharing and social media obsession. That said, your daughter sounds like a strong, confident young woman! This is likely more of a self-power move where she wants you and everyone in her family to know, that she will decide…sounds like my daughter 🙂
You know what it is, Lisa? It’s her critical nature to catch every flaw- and any time I DO take a picture, she looks at it and finds something wrong with how she looks. Just recently, a friend sent me the best picture of her at a swim meet- I showed it to her and asked if I could share it- She took one look and said “No.” I asked why, and she said her face looked too puffy. For her, it’s all about that. I so wish it wasn’t… Sigh.
Oh, wow, can I ever relate to this. Yep! Well, always good to hear there are others in the same boat.
I also get sad thinking about all the gorgeous images on my kids’ phones now that don’t make it to albums and frames anymore or they get deleted too quickly if they’re not perfect for sharing.
So glad to see that you’re writing for Your Teen for Parents with Whitney! I’m signed up there, too, but I haven’t submitted anything yet. My kids usually don’t let me write much about them, either:-)
Hope you’re enjoying your summer so far!
YES! I love that you get it, Julie. I too have SO many stories I can’t write- We have a very limited scope with them, don’t we?! Sigh. I’m so excited you are signed up with them too. You need to write something- because I KNOW it will be beautiful. <3