I step into the hot steaming water, allowing the pressure to hit my face and massage my aching head. My thoughts haven’t stopped since this all started. They range from constant problem-solving to planning to what ifs.
I continued my ‘function mode’ while going through the motions- washing and rinsing and taking in the heat and release of tight muscles and twisted nerves.
I can’t really write my next devotional until I get the call. I can’t get the news and NOT tell my dear friends. So I’ll wait for the call. Okay- now if it’s malignant, how should I tell everyone? I need to record how I look… healthy, full of life, bright eyes, full-face grin. I should vlog. Oh Lord, I will look ridiculous. But I want my friends to see me before it all starts to change. Damn why didn’t I go to Blogher when I had the chance. What if I never get to meet all of them?
I should have gone.
I need to get that basket of stuff cleaned out and the letters DONE from the last year. How could I neglect an entire year of letters to my kids? Awful.
What would I say in my vlog?
“So it turns out, I am in the 20%. My odds seemed good, and now I find myself in the most honored society of people that I know. I have been through the obstacles and paperwork to get me in, and I stand proudly amongst the survivors ready to fight with the best of them. This band of people, both living and gone- are the mightiest of warriors, the toughest of fighters, the strongest survivors- of a relentless war.”
I just can’t. No. Stop. My odds ARE good. I will surely be in the 80%!!
But wait.
Who gets Creeping Eruption in their teens? As the doctors stared wide-eyed at my foot, armed with medical books to research what on earth I had.
Who gets Shingles in their twenties? “This usually is found in older people, or cancer patients.”
Who gets Clostridium difficile in their thirties? “I have never seen a case in a young healthy person before” Claims the Infectious Disease Specialist.
Who gets BRCA1 in the forties? “This is rare and you are the first patient I have had with this mutation.”
OH God. Oh Lord Jesus. I never beat the odds. I don’t have a good track record at all! Every doctor was amazed at each of those diagnoses. I was in that tiny percent. I was in the …
It felt like a movie scene in the shower where you find the mom sobbing uncontrollably through the splattered water, holding her face… trembling, purging her human condition. I had fallen prey to fear, to the brutal raw ugly opening of despair.
After an hour of composing myself, just to fall apart again, I came downstairs with swollen bloodshot eyes and blew my nose.
I went to Derek…
“How are you honey?”
“I just lost it in the shower. I realized I don’t have good odds at all! I mean who gets the stuff I do? I’m ALWAYS in the minority- the crazy rare small percentile of EVERYTHING. I can easily be in that 20%…” I erupted again- pouring tears into the shoulder of my beloved. He held me, in my vulnerable moment of release.
“You ARE lucky honey. You have me and the kids.”
“I know. But…”
Later that night, his words drenched my heart with a new-found awareness of my odds.
What were the odds that I would find an honorable and faithful and unconditionally loving man for a husband? What were the odds that I would have two gorgeous incredible children? What were the odds that I would live in a beautiful home and be able to spend my days doing all the things that fulfill me, and give me purpose and joy?
What were the odds that I would have so many inspirational souls with whom I have the great honor of sharing this life with? Who has the kind of friends I do? How many beautiful hearts do I truly know and love? Too many to count.
The odds? The percentage of people in this world that have the abundance that I have? Not even 20%. Not that big. Guessing…much much lower than that.
Hmm…
I guess the odds aren’t that bad after all.
The odds have to be in your favor. We won’t accept anything else. And if they’re aren’t…well we will all stand with you and pray for you and you will beat it! Sending virtual hugs your way…of course I am crying too. Chris, I just want you to know I am grateful for your friendship. You are a true gem. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Crying…
Thank you sweet friend. Thank you.
…And what are the odds that people who get the rare stuff you’ve had, recover and live on to tell of God’s Grace? It looks to me like a sure thing… 100% that nothing CAN do you in, and that God will get the glory!
Oh Colleen!!! You are a blessing. YOU are my breath of goodness and beauty and all that is right in this world. Thank you. I love love love your precious comment. I have read it several times over…
What a blessing! Not everyone has the honor of living out an object lesson life, so that others may learn and be blessed. It’s not always easy, but I pray that just knowing you’ve ministered to others as you’ve walked this out… through the fear, pain, doubts, surrender and ultimately victory, will encourage and bless you!
God is good! He loves us! He’s in control, and He’s not done with us yet! Blessings, C
I’m typing through tears, Chris. I can hardly see what I’m doing here. I just know you will be in the 80%. You will. I know it.
This waiting time is just the worst. It’s just so anxiety provoking and horrible. Please know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone. I know you know that…but I have to type it anyway just because I do.
I adore you, sweet friend, and I’m right here with you even though I’m over in Charlotte. –Lisa
I love you Lisa. Your words are perfect, always. XO
And you have all of us! Lots of love and support. You definitely, definitely strike me as someone with good odds. A high roller? Anyway, I’m gripped with you through this story, and I can’t wait until it becomes just that – a story. In past tense.
It’s a STORY!!! PAST TENSE!! Oh thank you dear friend… for taking this journey right there with me, beside me, loving me through it. SO so so so grateful for you.
The odds are in your favor because you are loved and supported, Chris. I wish I could jump in the car right now and drive over to see you in person to comfort you. Thinking about you a lot. Still sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers.
Jen- I can’t tell you how much I feel your beautiful support and absolutely love that you are by my side in this- through this- to the end. The victorious end. Thank you my friend. Oh thank you so so much…
Whatever the odds, you have family and friends – both in-person and bloggy – who will love and support you in whatever lies ahead. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way, Chris.
Oh Dana! Thank you SO much for coming by to encourage me! I can’t tell you how much that means to me…
I didn’t feel right about sharing it with the bloppies…
I am so touched you are here with your love and support. SO deeply touched. THIS is the beauty of on line loyalty and the amazing friendships that can transpire. XO
Whatever the odds, you are loved and cherished. Whatever the odds you are precious and beautiful. Whatever the odds here and now you are 110% to your creator.
You are SO right Stephanie…. SO RIGHT. And for this time, I beat the odds. And for the next time- I still am 110% His. XOXO
My heart is breaking, honey. I haven’t been keeping up with your posts and I’m just seeing this update. You are a miracle in every way so I like your odds just fine. I’m keeping you in my prayers and holding buckets full of hope for you. Bless you, sweet woman. Hugs.
OH Mary… I miss you!! I adore you and am so grateful you stopped by to love on me! XO
Your words mean the world to me dear friend. Thank you so so much.
The waiting must be torture. I would be doing the same game. My brain works much like that– Praying that the time goes by quickly and that you are in the 80%!
Oh Julie- I am so grateful you came over to encourage me! Thanks my friend. The waiting is finally over…
I’m so sorry you’re going through this… I agree with Colleen, although you seem to have been in the tiniest of odds in terms of the rare conditions for your age, you are in the GREATEST odds for God’s FAVOR. I’m believing nothing less, nothing else.
Oh Hope- I love you. Truly. Love. You.
My dear, sweet friend & soul sister- you can & will get through this… As I sit here typing through all the tears… I want to so bad just be there for you & I am here for you in prayer & spiritually, this is tough but you know what, YOU my darlin’ are WAY tougher & God is WAY bigger than any of this mess. This my dear friend is just a bump in the road…
I love you SO much & don’t you forget it. I am an airplane away, that’s it… XOXO.
Oh Amber…. you are SUCH a LOVE. Your heart breaks through any barriers of distance!!! I feel it… I know it…
YOU. ARE. PRECIOUS. TO. ME.
XO
You are such a beautiful writer. Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and real with us. Prayers continue for you and your family.
Oh Jennifer… your beautiful words brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you. Thank you for coming by to give me your precious encouragement.
I never beat the odds either. Infertility, CF, Rocco, and then when I had the biopsy of my tongue they gave me a 4% chance of it being cancer and what do you know? I fell in the 4% at first and then with prayer and another surgery, found it was a misdiagnosis. So I am right there with you and you know what? This is your time to beat the odds. You know what is bigger than the percentages? God. He laughs in the face of odds. You have all of us praying and loving you. You are too important to so many of us for this to be anything more than a “remember when I had that scare” story. I am thanking Jesus right now that you are in the 80%. Love you.
Hey AnnMarie!
Remember when I had that scare? Wow that was a doozer!!
Oh, how I love you!!!!! XOXOXOXOXO
Ahhhhh lovely one, it sounds like you needed that cry, and to hear those so-sensible words that Derek said to you. What a wonderful man, and what awesome timing for his response.
Your perspective is incredible.
And just wait. It’s terrifyingly hard, but wait…breathe…wait.
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Because you know that worry can add nothing but pain to your days
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Because you know that worry will OF COURSE be there, and fear and anxiety and sheer bloody terror, but that you can still choose your behaviour (hardest thing ever, though)
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Because even if you’re in the 20%, that doesn’t mean it’s game over
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Because you know that God has a plan for this, too, and can make all things work together for the good of those who love Him.
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All Things. Not just the good, bright, sunshiney things, but the crappy, awful, horrific things, too. For GOOD. Somehow.
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And even if we never see the ‘right side’ of the tapestry and get tangled in the ugly threads of life, which seem more like razor wire, the other side is perfection, and one day it will be revealed in all its glory.
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Breathe….wait….breathe
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And know you are loved by so many, all sending their very best prayers and warm thoughts in your direction.
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Crying… again… reading this… you… your gift… you… are…a…gift.
God bless you.
Even though the waiting is over, I am gonna read it again. And again. And again.
As many times, and as many lines as you need *MASSIVEHUGS* 🙂
Today the sun is shining – hallelujah!
Thank you for enabling us to be on this journey with you my sweet, beautiful friend! “God’s got this!” That you can be 100% sure of! Love you!
Thanks love. Thank you for being “in it” with me. Thank you thank you thank you….
What beautiful words, my friend.
I was in the shower a couple of weeks ago as we awaited my dad’s MRI results. We don’t have the answers yet but I was thinking too as I was sobbing in the shower; it was a regular day, I was doing regular things when my mom called to tell me Dad needed to go to the ER to have another MRI…NOW. Just a regular day and I had no idea we would end up spending the night, the weekend at the hospital…but God knew and He was and is with us through the tests. He is with you too Chris. God IS bigger than odds and tests results.
Thank you for sharing your journey. You are touching lives as you go through this terrible experience.
Hugs and prayers.
PS I had shingles in my 40s.
OH Laurie- I love what you shared. Thank you my friend. Thank you.
The waiting is over… and for that I am glad.
I pray your dad has the same positive results. Once my mom and sister are gone, I will surely catch up on reading…
Praying for you, for him, for your mom. XO
The odds are in your favor because think of all that you have already faced and gotten through. Oh, and not to get all tough love on you, but next year? No excuses to not go to BlogHer. None!
Still laughing, smiling- delighting in this comment Ilene!! I love it. And you KNOW I love you…
Safe place. Always. XO
The waiting is so hard. As others have said, just know that you are loved and that we are all cheering, and hoping, and praying for the 80%!!
Thank you SO much Lisa! I am so grateful you were by my side with your precious encouragement every step of the way.
Truly. So grateful for you! XO
I’m so sorry!!! There is nothing I can say to make things better or easier for you!!! When your husband said “you are lucky – you have me and the kids” all I could think about was the Martina McBride song – I’m Gonna Love You Through It. I’m glad that you have people to love you through!!!
OH Kim… you are such a love to support me through this! Such a love.
Thank you my friend. And ya know what? Derek confessed after I called him with the news of it being benign- that he was terrified but didn’t want to show it.
He was my rock- always is. Bless his weary worried heart. I AM so lucky. 😉
Chris, I can hardly stand to even think that you may have to hear the scary words some have had to hear. I am drenched with memories of fear and overwhelming emotion. I have to push those thoughts away and believe the odds ARE in your favor. God clearly has a special plan for your life – one which is still unfolding.
“I life my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth. He will not let my foot be moved. He who keeps me will not slumber. Behold He who keeps me will neither slumber nor sleep.”
He is with you. He is for you. He made you. He has a plan for you. He is crying with you. He is all you need.
Can you BELIEVE it? Breathing…
I love you W.P.B. I know how much you prayed on your knees for me. I know your heart. I know you desperately didn’t want me to endure what you did.
I know.
And I love you for that.
XO
God is the master of the odds, Chris. He rolls the dice. And His is always a winning hand. No matter what the enemy tries to tell you. Game on! We’re playing to win here. Victory is the only option.
You were the first person on my mind this morning and will probably be the last on my mind tonight. Prayers are going up, and we’re all believing for blessings to come on down. Know that you are surrounded by a “cloud of blogging witnesses” who are buoying you up spiritually, Chris. God is faithful. Always. He can’t help Himself!
Oh Alison…
You are such a Light of goodness and grace for me. You are full of HIM. You are my blessing…
Thank you love. Thank you…
For all you have given to me.
Praying. Waiting, with you, right here. I don’t beat the odds, either. Or maybe I do. I probably should have died from stupidity in my teens. I made it home. Over and over. I’m praying you stay in THIS home, right here, right now, for so many more years…
Oh Lord- don’t EVEN go there… teens? I should totally be dead.
I get you. I always do. And you get me. You always do.
I love that. XO
Okay, let’s play the odds game. The odds that a baby boy would survive in a basket down the river when every Jewish baby boy was being slaughtered and became a prince in Egypt. The odds that a Jewish man who persecuted believers would one day become a believer and make it his life’s mission to insure others would believe. The odds that the smallest of shepherd brothers would be chosen as King. The odds that the a teen would be left for dead by his own brothers, sold into slavery, imprisoned and then become second in command in a country not his own and that those brothers would one day bow down to him. The odds of a woman in her ripe older age would give birth. The odds that a man would walk on water or that one would be unharmed after spending the night trapped with a lion. Shall I go on? Oh, the odds that our savior would be born of a virgin, die willingly to save his people from themselves and overcome death? God is bigger than odds and bigger than patterns no matter what your history was in each of those decades, but I see why you go there. You know what I can’t wait for? I can’t wait to hear about the odds that you will overcome through this….no matter which side the dice lands on with these pending results. I can’t wait to hear what God has for you either way this goes b/c there is a plan here…..and it is something, or lots of things with layers you don’t even know about yet. THOSE are odds that I am banking on and you my friend, are going to continue to live by faith and not by sight. And the odds that we are all going to remind you of that and remind you of how loved you are during all of this, are pretty darn good. 🙂
I can’t count how many times I have read your comment, and I still cry every time.
Crying.
No words. Just praise. For you…
I love you, and I love this perspective, and please know how very hard I praying. Please keep us posted, my sweet friend. We love you!
Oh Meredith! I am SO glad you were able to get “in on this”… sweet sister of mine!! I love you too. And I am so grateful for your support and your encouraging words. XO