Devotional Diary…
I’m in a season of madness, functioning, and frantic scurrying to get ‘things done’. I am task oriented and overwhelmed, as my priorities fight for first in line. No time to take a breath, reflect or process… barely an utterance of silence in my mind. Instead of long lingering prayers, I am unable to still myself long enough to sift through the endless swirling of my head to find that peaceful place of quiet.
Stress does that.
My prayers have resorted to sighs, gasps, groans, and abbreviated hiccups that beg for more. But the hunger waits. This is the time for focus and functioning more than prayer and pondering. That’s hard for me. I am driven and designed to still my heart and cleanse its anxious vapors, in order to operate in this world. When I can’t- the art of living becomes superficial and pretentious, strained and too pragmatic. I’d rather dwell in the deep and lurk in the flow of feeling.
But for now- I linger here. Not settled, but surviving.
When my senses are off, my prayers lose their course. Thank God He understands and knows me well. Thank God, for His Patience and Goodness and Grace. Thank God, for receiving my groans and sighs and hiccups with His unconditional love…
“Be with me Lord.”
“What do I do next, God?”
“SO tired.”
“Help me.”
“Oh my…”
“Should I?”
“When?”
“How?”
“Thank you.”
“Not sure.”
“I know. I’m trying.”
“Is this where you want me?”
Random thoughts inevitably start infiltrating, unable to keep up with them as I sort through the infinite list and bouncing balls that juggle aimlessly in my head.
I feel disconnected, disoriented and disengaged.
Drowning in my own madness, I often don’t allow space or time or pause, within these barriers- So I must be calculated in discerning where my values can direct my actions. Be intentional, even in my thoughts.
Decisions should always be done this way… Even amidst the muck.
So I am taking this time- chasing it down. Not carelessly cruising around it’s borders, but like a hawk circling its prey- I dive in to fully attack that creature darting at top speed for survival… This time, I am going to trap it and hold it captive- so that I can once again claim my peaceful place. I am fervently GRABBING this moment with full tenacity to realign my heart, so that my life will begin to resonate with the purpose and passion it deserves.
Deep breath.
In…
Out…
Peace.
Here I am Lord.
Yes. This. I love how much I relate to your words, Chris. Thank you.
You KNOW I have been thinking about you- and praying for you- and as I was writing this, I seriously thought of you! You seem to always be in the back of my ” whirling bouncing balls”, dear friend.
Tis the season for you… even more so than I. I will be praying you through. Promise. <3
I try my best with those deep breathes, too when I find myself overwhelmed and challenged, so truly couldn’t agree more with you not his approach and pray that you will indeed find some peace from and quiet, too from this. Hugs, Chris!! 🙂
I actually just hate it when I get too busy to really pace myself enough to have those spaces that I can fill with ponder and prayer. On my way to do quick errands, I literally turned another way toward a beautiful park with a path…I didn’t have time for it. But I was acting in desperation. I needed to quiet myself down.
I walked and prayed for an hour.
Best decision I ever made. 🙂
I love you
Gasp. Hold breath. Sigh… smile… tears… another sigh… smile more… deep breath.
Release.
You just lit my heart up.
Oh, how I love you. <3
Omg I totally understand this. Your description in the second paragraph is right on. I need need need to make time to pray. I’ve been so off track and I have way too many blessings to be thankful for and need to say thanks. Maybe this time I’ll finally esp after reading this, make prayer a permanent part if my day.
Oh Kerry! I can only imagine how overwhelmingly busy your life is with your kiddos and babies! It’s so hard to really find that peaceful place- especially in the season YOU are in! I love that God will accept our fleeting prayers… and I love that you are going to be intentional about praying. It really makes all the difference in the world! We can be creative in when/how we pray… Lord knows- I have prayed some of my best prayers in the shower! Anywhere, anytime…
He’s there. 🙂 I just love that about GOD!
Cool. Looks like you just drew your own lines 😀
Have this one as a SPARE. Use in case of emergency <3
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YES!! I am taking yours too- I know I will need it, and more as I go forward this week. I like yours better. They come with love and compassion and grace. Mine usually comes from desperation and exhaustion! But hey- at least they’re coming, right? (That’s where I was on Saturday- when I said I’d be back in a FEW hours and it turned to like FIVE or something? Yeah- best walk EVER. So much so that I squeezed another one in the next day too. Gonna MAKE myself take the time. 🙂
Oh but GOOD FOR YOU for taking some time to yourself.
Now then. Answer me this – do you think if you made time FOR YOURSELF a little more often, in smaller, bite-sized pieces, you’d find yourself a little less desperate and needing to run away from life for hours at a time?
(oh yes, I can be totally sanctimonious, as well.)
Blah blah blah… taking care of myself like regularly??? Oh PAH-leeze. Now, who on EARTH would do THAT? LOL
*shrugs*
Ask God how much time He wants you to spend nurturing and caring for His precious child Christine…ask Him whether he’s alright with you periodically running her into the ground until she thinks she might crack. See whether He’s cool with you making her keep going and going and going and going, and giving of herself but never TO herself.
And see whether he sits back, looks at his daughter with an appraising nod and says “Yeah, she’s such a Martha, that one – but you know what, she’s fine – she’s doing things for me ALL THE TIME – she’ll be alright. She’ll find the energy somewhere, and I can always just magic her better when she crumbles to pieces.” or whether puts His face in His hands, shakes his head and then reaches to pull you towards Him for a greatbigmassivesquooshyHUG, and then invites you to just SIDDOWN for, like, TEN MINUTES, and chill – find peace – MAKE PEACE HAPPEN for yourself. And relax.
Ahhh…. I see what ya did there. I see… *Hangs head down…nodding*
Okay.
Promise.
Your graciousness and forbearance do you credit, my lovely friend. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get bitchslapped by God for being a dickhead to you… 😉
(but I genuinely want you to take care of YOU…’kay?)
HAHAHAHA!!! Nah… You’re too cute to get bitchslapped – even by God! 🙂 It’s all outa love. This I know sweet kitty. This I know.
And Big Guy knows too. <3
Okay 😀
*MASSIVEHUGS*
I’m so right with you. There are so many times when I feel like I’m going in circles and I stop right in the midst of my chaotic kitchen and have to sigh in desperation. It just all feels so overwhelming. Just looking at the mess I need to clean up makes me envy Sleeping Beauty and her eternal rest. It’s those times when I’m like you and it’s hard to utter a real prayer. Sometimes all I can do is just send up a feeling begging for peace.
YES YES YES! You and me girl…
You and me. XOXOXO
Not settled but surviving. So true. It’s like living on auto-pilot. Thanks for the reminder of Here I am to be said to the GREAT I am. Blessings, Chrissy!
Thanks so much Lori! It’s really not my ideal existence- when the balance bar tilts to the extreme- the most important thing suffers. I get to the point where i screech to a halt and make myself re-align my intentions and my values and my purpose. Things get mucky and scrambled and lots of added plates somehow get tossed up in the air along with the others. Probably every woman on the planet gets this!!
I need to ask God to help me choose which ones need my attention, and which ones I need to let fall. From there I start to breathe again.
I’ve been in this way for awhile and your words NAIL IT. I’m out of that place right now and into a new and calmer one. I dig it. I’m going to need your address one of these days. Cookies! Cookies make everything better. Even if it’s just a fraction, it counts.
OHMYGOSH I would LOVE to get those cookies! Heck- even ONE would be such an incredible BLESSING!!! 🙂
I am SO glad you have moved from this place… and into a calmer more peaceful one. I long to do just that. I know this season will pass… I am surviving as I should. Cookies would totally help. 😉
Yep! I feel ya ; ) I’m grateful for your ability to put into words what so many of us feel.
Love you!
XOXOX
Lets grab it together, my WPB! We can and will pull ourselves back deeply into His Glorious Arms. They are always open. Oh so grateful for that!
I relate to this post so much, and reading it has encouraged me to take a deep breath for the first time in many days. So thank you for that!
I get that Katie!!! I often need those ‘nudges’ to remind me to pull myself back into Him. I hope you did just that, my friend!
hiccuped prayers — totally get it. how about falling asleep in the midst of one. yeah – that’s a very meek and humbled spirit the next morning.
As I have been trying so hard to get all the things done this month, I’ve found it helpful to have praise music in the background. I won’t lie and say I am still “entirely” focused, but it does seem to help keep my spirit inspired…. and somehow the work does go faster.
I love that SO much! I always listen to praise music or a Christian audio book in the care and find that stills me enough to focus ‘most’ of the time. lol
I think I fall asleep praying almost every single night. True.
You just described me lately! And made me think of this verse: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8:26
I LOVE that verse Meredith!!! Thank God He understands our moans and sighs and hiccups! I lean on this truth SO often! I am so glad you came by and shared this verse. 🙂
I like the idea of giving up the questioning and just saying “Here I am Lord.” Hard to do but I know if we could just breath and do that it would do away with a LOT of our stresses!
It’s always a struggle to live harmoniously with God and offer up our days/plight/challenges/hardships/emotions to Him! It’s a constant battle between our human nature and His Super-nature. But oh when it all aligns… THAT’S the good stuff!
I really like how you took your stress, channeled it into your writing and literally wrote yourself to a better place at the end where you could breathe and regroup…
Thanks Emily… it’s my favorite way to deal with everything- stress/emotions etc. That’s what us writers do, am I right?! 🙂 I so appreciate that you noticed the process. XO
I’ve been clinging to Psalms 103:14 “For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust.” It’s amazing how many times God has to teach me to lean on Him and not my own understanding.
I love that Crystal. Absolutely love that. 🙂 I am so glad you came by to bless me with that verse and message. God keeps teaching me the same truth over and over again…
I felt calmer at the end, too. Thanks for that. Deep breaths. Every day. Calm. Serenity. Taking care of US is important, too. Even when we have to force ourselves.
Sending strength, patience, and peace, friend.
It’s quite easy to get lost in the chaos that is life, isn’t it Kristi? I don’t do well with lost. I am all off and a mess if I can’t be found in my peaceful quiet place more often than not.
Praying you and I BOTH be more intentional about being found. (Lizzi’s totally on my case.) 😉
I know that franticness well. When the only strength I have left for a prayer is a simple “Help me, Lord” before I fall fast asleep.
Gosh, how I have done the same thing Shell! I am working on being INTENTIONAL with my time- and that always comes with sacrifices. I hate to let go of things/people/responsibilities etc… but we have to navigate the ‘franticness’ or we will surely drown in the “helps” every night. I hate being in that place. SO hard to let go of things and realize we will let people down. SO hard for me… ugh.
The hiccup of a prayer- absolutely love that as yes- totally have those prayers at times. I think of how many times I am not where I should be, being who I should be and how forgiving and loving He still is, he has much more patience than I do! I have definitely found that it is those times when I am truly present, truly there- even if it is a time where I am overwhelmed and feel like I can’t do it- but if I turn it over and truly pray then it all seems possible, not easy but possible.
Oh Emmy, how I love your comment! I hear ya girl… every bit of this speaks to me. And it’s amazing how if we can just draw near Him, how our perspectives can change so quickly. It’s taking that time to do that… I must be more intentional- even in the midst of crazy busy times, or I lose the richness in it all. And grow depleted, weary and worn.
You have just described EXACTLY how I feel lately–thanks for getting it and for speaking the truth. xo, my love.
Oh how it just blesses me to know I am NOT alone in this Meredith! Sometimes I am just so desperate for solace and God- I come to a screeching halt and pull out of the ‘game’ to regroup and reground myself. We HAVE to.
My whole life is chaos…nonstop, never ending. This afternoon I just crashed. I couldn’t go on. I fell asleep for an hour and had a hard time getting back up.
I DID THE SAME THING!!!! I woke up late and had a horrible morning and felt like CRAP for some reason (physically) and finally just crashed! I set my alarm for pick up at school and it was all I could do to get out of bed! I am sooooooo fried. Oh girl, I hear ya. I think I could sleep for two days straight… and then some.
Oh, how I wish I could!
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s almost as if I don’t even have time to breath during the day. Work has been stressful and the kids’ activities are ramping up before final performances and recitals. I really need to take the time this weekend to just sit with God and cach up!