Today I am honored and excited to introduce to you my new favorite Mommy Blogger! Mary is the mom of two boys, and I believe she was cut out for it! She is hilarious and brilliant in her own unique voice over at OutmannedMommy.com, and I am thrilled to have her here to share her story. Ah, we all may identify with much of it! When you are finished, you simply must go check out her site and get to know her. You will be entertained for hours on end, with her stories and her authentically humorous take on life.
I’m a sucker for funny and authentic.
Take it away Mary!!!
My life has been invaded by boys. Their testosterone, dirty socks, and toys with wheels have permeated even the most private, girly recesses of my home. I once was a girl. I used to wake up in the morning, shower, shave my legs, choose the perfect outfit from among my organized but crowded closet, did my hair, put on makeup, and left the house on time…wearing heels. I was the real, fluffy, frilly, deal: a woman.
Then my boys arrived, and with them came cars, trucks, trains, bugs, lizards, four day old socks and dirty underwear, fart jokes and belching contests. Suddenly, they outnumbered me. Even the dogs were boys. I was outmanned in every sense of the word. My dreams of my little ponies, tea parties, and dresses were put on indefinite hold.
As much as I’ve resisted, even my daily routine has been overrun by their manliness.
Every morning, I wake up to the three year old launching himself into my bed making train noises at the top of his lungs. It’s better than any alarm clock and he definitely doesn’t have snooze button.
If I’m lucky I get to use the bathroom before being dragged downstairs to play trains or dinosaurs or both. I look longingly at the shower on my way by, trying to remember how long it’s been since I’d bathed without the kids. I notice a flash of red behind the frosted glass doors. I opening it to find the Lightning McQueen toy we’d lost weeks ago circling the drain. Guess it’s been a long time, then.
Down stairs I feed the bottomless pits that are my boys. The three year old eats four scrambled eggs while I shovel yogurt into the baby’s mouth. I fear for my pocket book when they are teenagers. The baby belches loudly to signal that he’s had enough. Both kids laugh. I roll my eyes.
Five minutes later the three year old asks for grapes. The baby agrees, having made some room after a couple more belches and a fart. On my way to the fridge I step on the world’s sharpest lego. It must be from the medieval torture play set. I toss it angrily onto the counter along with the the train with the claw on top and the stegosaurus I stepped on yesterday.
After breakfast I manage to escape for exactly 2 1/2 minutes to get dressed while the boys are playing with the train table. Are these pants clean or dirty? Oh, who cares? I put on the closest jeans and T-shirt I can find and grab a bra for later. Undergarments are luxuries in my home that are reserved for those special days when we actually manage to leave the house. I once had a boy I was dating break up with me because my underwear never matched my bra. Man, would he love me now!
By the time I get back downstairs the three year old has the baby in a pretty impressive head lock. The baby doesn’t seem to care and is continuing to run his train up and down the track. I thump myself down on the carpet to referee the rest of the game.
Around lunch time the three year old disappears into the bathroom for about 45 minutes to “poop”, which actually means he sits cross legged on the toilet like it’s a recliner and watches videos on his iPad. I would insist he puts the videos away, except this is the only time of day I get to look in the mirror. While the baby rifles through the drawers in the bathroom, pulling tampons out and sticking them in the bathtub, sink, and his mouth, I assess the rats’ nest that used to be my hair. For a brief moment I consider plugging in the straightening iron and frying it to within an inch of it’s life, but then the three year old starts whining about privacy. He admittedly insists that we vacate the room so he can complete his transaction. I swallow the desire to point out that it’s been years since I used the toilet without an audience, and dig around in the drawer for a hair tie. Guess I’ll be rocking a ponytail again today.
For lunch: MORE FOOD, followed by some scraps of Play Doh the baby finds on the floor and exactly three kibbles of dog food before I notice.
Eventually, we make it outside to play in the yard where the boys find the only spot in the yard without grass and proceed to throw dirt in the air and then act surprised when it lands on their head. I think about putting a stop to it, but figure what’s a little dirt on their already Play Doh, yogurt, strawberry and unidentified substance stained clothes. I sit down on the deck to check Facebook on my phone and notice that somehow, I have dirty hand prints up and down the legs of my jeans. They’re like little dirt-ventriloquists. They have learned to throw their mess.
By the end of the day we are all three filthy. I promise myself I’ll do some laundry tonight so I will have clean clothes to wear tomorrow. I toss my jeans onto the growing pile at the bottom of my once neat closet. There are little boy underpants everywhere. I sometimes find them in bookshelves and on top of lampshades. I try not to think too hard about how they get there.
Once the boys are in bed, I stare long and hard at the pile of dirty clothes. I know I should do laundry, take a shower, shave my legs, and dry my hair, so I can wake up and look like a human being tomorrow instead of the frumpy mess I was today. I know I should do all those things, but instead I decide to take a long bath and read a book. If I shake the dirt out of my jeans they’ll be fine for another day.
My once neat and polished life has become an old pair of jeans that I shake out every morning and sniff just to make sure they’re not too dirty. Someday I hope to revive the girl inside this mom, but in the meantime it’s all bike rides and mud pies. And you know what? I’m ok with that.
Plus, it gives me something to write about…
Mary Widdicks is a 31 year old mother of two boys. Her husband calls her Honey, the three year old calls her Mommy, and the baby calls her Milk. Once a cognitive psychologist, she now spends her time trying to outsmart her boys. She is also the writer of the humorous parenting blog Outmanned, because sometimes a girl needs more than fart jokes and belching contests. Her work has been featured on parenting sites such as Mamapedia, Mamalode, and Scary Mommy.
You can follow her on:
Blog: http://www.outmannedmommy.com Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/outmannedmommy Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/marywiddicks
This was funny, and I could relate!
It could have been a scene from our house when our kids were little – with one major difference – we have girls. They did play with pink stuff, but they also loved trains, dinosaurs and getting dirty, and later progressed to nerf guns, tree climbing and “Hunger Games” enactments (without the killing!) The elder one still goes to model train exhibitions with her dad, even though she’s 16 now and as girly as they come.
I’m so glad it’s not just me, and it’s good to know that I’m not really missing out on too much from not having girls 😉
I love that your girls are a sweet combination of BOTH masculine and feminine traits and pieces of their character embrace that!! My girl LOVES climbing trees… and looking pretty. My boy LOVES sports and worms… and cuddling with his mommy, singing, and doing his hair. 🙂
Even though I am a girl mom, I still could relate. Trust me, my days are anything but orderly and are very crazy here, too. And that pile of laundry at the end of the day sometimes does just have to indeed wait, because as moms we totally do need to just take time for us when it is needed. Thanks for sharing and here and definitely enjoyed knowing it isn’t just me 🙂
Yeah, I imagine girls create more laundry as they dig through their closets looking for that “perfect outfit”. My boys would wear the same filthy clothes for a month if I let them 😛
I literally walked by a huge piled up laundry basket for four days this week… eyeing it and sighing every time. It got bigger and bigger… and I just turned my head and simply couldn’t deal. Looks like I will be doing some serious loads this weekend!!!
I’ve got two little boys too so I can relate. Mine are 9 and 4 and the fart jokes only intensify with time. I wouldn’t trade it…although I’m a little sad that I’ll have to attend the Disney Princess Tea all by myself whenever we take our big Disney trip.
AW!! I could just picture you all alone with the princesses sipping your tea with your twinkling eyes… with the backdrop of the boys and hubs on some crazy wild roller coaster screaming!!! You GO to the tea party and love every minute of it!! 🙂
My boys are 22 and almost 18. It gets worse. 🙂
HAHAHAHA!! Well thanks for THAT Laurie! Geesh. 😉
Hi Mary! (I know and adore you!) I have two boys also (and a male dog), so I feel you. Mine are 7 and 10. I hate to tell you, they get even dirtier, more destructive, and more smelly.
I knew the second I decided to have kids, I would be a boy mommy. I don’t know dolls and frills. I know dirt, spit, creeks, and climbing trees, so I couldn’t wait to have kids to do all that again. Even if I’d had a girl, I was going to make sure she was a tom-boy like her mama (yeah, right, like we have one iota of control over that!).
That being said, I’m still shocked at how utterly destructive boys are! AND LOUD. omg LOUD. And when will they take their hands outa their pants? (the answer is nevah)
What is WITH the hands in the pants GRABBING and constantly FONDLING their fellow parts? I swear if I had a dime for every time I said “Get your hands outa your pants!”- I’d surely be on vacation to Hawaii right now. 😉
I’ve got two boys and a male dog. They drive me nuts, but I wouldn’t have it any way. I do wish they had a volume button though. They seem to be stuck on the loudest level.
I can’t imagine that mix, Jen!! Adding the dog in it, and I would clearly be jumping over the edge of sanity!! I can say though, that boys and girls can be equally LOUD. I think Cassidy’s voice shakes the house even more at times!!
I have one boy and one girl and I can’t believe how much the boys eats. I can’t believe it. My girl has three years on him. He’s not much of a farter/belcher yet but he has time to get there. He’s not even two. I’d be a bit disappointed if it didn’t happen, to be honest. My daughter is a princess/pony lover. Even our dog is a very feminine little fox. My husband is very domestic.
We’re our own strange family, I guess!
I CANNOT believe someone broke up with you for not matching your bra and underwear. What a dork he was!
I love that your family is so perfectly unique in it’s own way!! And what are YOU like, dear Tamara? A bit of both, I am guessing. *Thinks of the combat boots and the beautiful long flowing dreamy like hair* 😉
So funny! I am stuck at your 3 year old eating 4 eggs. I have a 3 yo daughter and she may have eaten a whole egg once ever. She eats like a bird. I think it is a boy thing though, because my son is 2.5 and eats like a small trucker. Also loved the boyfriend who dumped you because your underwear didn’t match. That could have been a SATC episode. As long as they came off, what did he care??
Her entire day resonates so much with mine… even though I have a boy and a girl. KIDS! Mary nailed it with this one. Typical day in the life for sure!!
Ha – I totally relate because my boys are about the same age difference as hers – I remember those days. Showering was scary because who knew what damage could be done in those few minutes?!
I can’t imagine TWO boys- but I tell ya- a boy and a girl fighting? I’m sure it is pretty much equally as grueling!! 😉 I know. Good LORD do I know… lol
Hey, I know her! She’s one of my favorites too! Isn’t it cool when two of your bloggy buddies meet up and make friends, too!?
I am SO glad I met her, and had her here to share her awesomeness!! I can see why she is one of your faves, Angela!
I am CRYING with laughter!! And so glad you shared Mary here today, because I cannot wait to check out more of her stuff! Any friend of yours is definitely a friend of ours! :)-Ashley
You definitely need to check Mary’s blog out- I am SO excited to connect with her! She’s HILARIOUS and oh so genuine. LOVE THAT. 🙂
Love this!!! I’ve got one of each–and my Girl is a girlie-girl, so I did catch a break. Lol
This whole post made me smile. Loved it!!
Ah- but the girlie becomes SO high maintenance in a totally different way… my little miss bossy pants is sometimes what puts me OVER the edge! 😉
Haha – sounds about right! I’ve got 2 boys. Boys are definitely different from girls!
They are- and yet, I can relate to SO MUCH of her post! It’s motherhood at it’s finest!! LOL
I just “met” Mary the other day, and I too fell in love! Thanks for letting me get to know her a bit better!
Isn’t it great getting to know new bloggers? I just love that about this gig. 🙂
Hilarious! one of the most accurate “days in the life” of a mommy I think I’ve ever read.
“dirt ventriloquist” had me laughing so hard, I snorted and then tooted.
I’m one of them now. 🙂