I wrote this post over two years ago, and I came across it and realized this principle is ongoing for us all. I believe one of the greatest challenges and deepest joys comes from the fine art of gratitude…
Even when you’re suffering.
During the years that my daughter was sick, we learned together that gratitude is both a cherished and powerful part of living. We still live in this truth today. Read an old story, and take in fresh encouragement.
27 hours. That’s how long my daughter had been whining and moaning about the incessant tube that was taped around her face and neck and channeled through her nose down into her stomach. Still groggy and cranky from the anesthesia, as it always makes her someone she is not. I don’t like what the drug does to her. She is foul and angry and combative and sad. Until it slowly releases her sweet soul and she comes back the next day. I was sympathetic and attempted to comfort her any way I could, while monitoring her ph level and recording the time, and her food intake and activity level every 30 minutes. It was a long two days. I was tired and so was she.
In the big picture, this was really nothing. We have dealt with much more sickness and procedures and surgeries and longer bouts of misery than this. It was a short moment of time to assess healing ulcers and severe reflux. It would be over soon and we would be at the pool the following day. I kept telling her and reminding myself as well.
But by the last few hours of this struggle, my daughter’s moaning and crying got the best of me and I lost it.
“Don’t you know how blessed you are? Look at all you have in your life!! THIS will be over soon and we get to go about our active and joyful fun-filled lives! You know how many kids DON’T get to go on in a normal life? ENOUGH self-pity! You are FINE! Stop swimming in your pool of self-consumed agony and look beyond your world!”
Yes, I know she’s only nine… and maybe I went too far. But I often expect my children to act like grown-ups in my weak moments. I just do.
We get to the hospital to finally take the catheter out and set her free; she is quiet but still moaning. It’s a long walk through the hospital to get to the GI surgery center. The walk is always convicting and very sad. We pass the ER, the radiology labs, several clinics and all the countless sick and debilitated children going to and fro, throughout the long corridors. This path always pushes me in a new realm of sympathetic reality.
“Look around you my dear. JUST look at every child you see and take it in. (Nodding over to a girl in wheelchair with a breathing apparatus and tubes coming from every side of her body. Raising eyebrows to a small child screaming in a woman’s arms. Nudging my daughter to look at the deformed and very ill child in the stroller.)”
Her eyes grew big and sad and scared.
“Yes my dear, you are very fortunate.”
She nods conceding to the suffering she sees.
I put my arm around her and began my pastoral lecture:
“It is okay to feel badly about our circumstances. I get that you are miserable. I want to comfort you and make everything better. But I also want you to look beyond you, even in your despair. I want you to learn how to deal with your struggles and one way to do this is to realize your blessings. I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of the bad to see what is good. But I always tell you this every time you are sick, because I believe it has helped me so many times. In our suffering, we must find gratitude. And we always, always can do that.”
She got it. My little nine year old understood this concept, swallowed it down yet again, as I force it on her regularly. It may be harsh. It may be way out of her developmental league- but it is a truth and tough reality. There is always something to be grateful for in any situation.
And yet, it’s so much easier to coil up in our wounded world isn’t it?
A day later, I am convicted in my own lecture. How dare I pressure her to look beyond her pain and find gratitude when there are so many times I cannot? Yes, us mothers, we know how to function through sleeplessness and sickness and work schedules and headaches and stress. We always rise to the call because that is what we do. But here is the challenge:
Can we rise up out of our struggles and suffering and search for gratitude?
Or do we just push through and grimace, moan and cry through those difficult days…weeks…months.
There are times I want to do what my precious daughter did. I want to groan and sigh and swim in my own pool of self-pity. Suffering can consume you and often blind you to seeing all that is good.
Then I think of my favorite verse. And I breathe in reflections of all that is beautiful in my life, and slowly exhale gratitude…finding what is worthy of praise.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Phil 4:8)
Even though sometimes, I need a bit of time to get there… much like my daughter did.
There’s always something to be grateful for, definitely.
But the presence of worse hurts and worse sufferings than our own (and the fact that it’s all relative anyway) shouldn’t undermine the validity and impact of our own sufferings.
Would it have been correct if someone, after I had suffered a miscarriage, to say to me “At least you didn’t lose a baby you’d met – that would be much worse!”, or after discovering our infertility was real “well at least neither of you is dying.” – yes: both of those things would have been entirely accurate statements designed to force the Silver Linings, but neither would have been kind.
The silver linings in life are tough to see on purpose, and beautiful when they can be identified, but rarely do they shine so brightly when they come at the cost of diminishing something which is (to the person experiencing it) immensely and deeply painful to manage.
There are always people worse off. But that doesn’t make our own pain any less.
But I know that you know this, and as you say, it’s an old re-post (and I don’t mean this as a riposte, so don’t think that I do, Kitty) – I just wanted to get my response out there, because this is something which has impacted on me (the forceful nature of comparison to ‘worse’) and I feel quite strongly about it.
The goal of looking outward at the world and comparing other people’s plight is to enlighten us to the blessings we do have. Never to dismiss or negate the pain we are currently experiencing. Never. It’s only a practice that helps me put my pain in perspective. And truthfully every person measures their gratitude in similar ways…comparing is inevitable. I have a home….others don’t. I have a family…others don’t. I struggled enormously for years with a very sick little girl…and I always compared our journey with the idea of realizing it could be much worse! It didn’t dismiss or negate my pain. It helped me put it in a clearer and more positive perspective.
I had BRCA1 but thank God I didn’t have cancer like my sister and countless people who suffer in a way that is beyond my comprehension! And while I was in excruciating pain for months after the surgery, it was that perspective that got me through. I welcome people offering these pieces of perspective to me and I receive them as a loving reminder to embrace the view that stretches me out of my world of hurt.
Cass was wallowing in pity and I wanted to help shed light on her perspective from which it came…much like I do with myself. I think there are times this has been one of the most powerful motivations to shifting my own well-being and negative thinking which then really does help lift *some* of the pain.
This exercise also opens our hearts to compassion which is about other people and their pain, yet another way to ignite more light that always helps me through my suffering.
Hope this makes sense!
Yes – I think you and I are coming at the same thing from marginally different directions, but with the same intent and the same result.
You’re right – wallowing rarely achieves anything and can be destructively addictive. I think I probably know that because I’ve been guilty of it lately. And, well, a lot in life generally.
I definitely find that doing something lovely for someone else is something which helps lift my mood when I’m in a funk. Compassion works, and yes – a good clear look at those blessings we still have, even in the midst of anguish.
You’re right, you’re right… 🙂 I know it – I just got ahold of this one sideways around <3
I think we all need sometime to get to the point of gratitude and trust me I have been there myself at times, too. I can’t even imagine what Cassidy went through and my heart was aching just reading this. Just glad she got through this and sending only good thoughts now always 😉
Thanks so much sweet friend! She is one strong girl, and we had managed to survive a decade of suffering- so we were getting near the end of the worst of it all. I saw the light- that missing magical medical puzzle piece we had been missing for years…
We were on our way out of the darkness. It was good. 🙂
In a couple of weeks, I am teaching a lesson at church based on a talk entitled, “Grateful in Any Circumstances” (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng) One of the points in the talk is that while we can be grateful for specific things, it’s more important to develop a grateful heart. When we do that, we can be grateful regardless of how much or how little we have, or what is happening to or around us at the moment. Your post goes right along with that idea.
Oh Kristi- I just LOVE that you shared this here. What a prefect supplement to my message!! Thank you friend! 🙂
Oh I hear you Chris. This is a good reminder. I remember when my son was little and had all of his issues and had to have a blood transfusion. I remember being so apprehensive…I just didn’t want him to have to have it, but he was so sick, and he needed it. The little boy receiving a transfusion next to him had leukemia. In the scheme of things, my son’s issues were so minor, and I remember feeling that immense sadness seeing that other little boy.
Oh MIchelle! Both boys and stories are so awful!! But yes- I really believe perspective is key, especially when we are struggling. It helps me find strength in gratitude.
I love the way you were able to find gratitude and help your daughter but I also know that I would have struggled a lot to be grateful.
I honestly had been through years of much much worse- so this was really not a big deal to me comparatively. It’s always relative- the hard stuff. I would take that surgery over the last ten years any day. That’s why this was such a prime opportunity to put on our big girl panties and realize how blessed we are at this point in the game.
My dear Chris, you are sadly near the end of my reading this evening and my poor eyes and mind are telling me it’s time to quit…so is my cat. He likes to go to bed right at this time and urges me to go with him. He’s right, of course…it’s late.
I have some thoughts, but I have to come back when I have more brain power and won’t be rambling incoherently. But I will be back!
XO
This is a great discussion point, Chris. It’s a difficult thing, sometimes, to be grateful when it seems and feels like all is lost. Lizzi makes a strong point, but it’s been addressed well here. Acknowledging others’ suffering does not – and should not – negate our own. The only way to move through suffering is to acknowledge and accept it. For some, that takes longer than for others, but it does not serve us to stay there. I’m with you on the idea that there is always someone worse off – my Grandfather always asked us to consider that when we were stuck in a dark place of self-pity that we couldn’t shake. I find it helpful to this day. It doesn’t take away any pain or suffering or struggle. It doesn’t erase it. It just makes me realize that while I may feel down, things could certainly be worse. Bad hair day? Could be bald from chemo. And so forth.
I love what Kristi said about developing a grateful heart – it’s a mindset, a way of thinking and living that keeps us mindful of the blessings we have, rather than focused on those which we do not.
Nothing should ever dismiss the pain or suffering one goes through, but it only shifts our perspective into a better frame of mind when we are able to stretch outside ourselves to see all our blessings. I too, use this way of thinking OFTEN!!
Bless your boots!!! (As Lizzi would say!) I do hope you are feeling better honey!! I will get over to check on you soon!! <3
Such an excellent post my friend. This line right here: “But I often expect my children to act like grown-ups in my weak moments.” Oh my Gosh, how I related to that one. I do the same thing. Perspective, it’s what’s for breakfast. Thank you. I needed this today.-Ashley
“Perspective. It’s what’s for breakfast.” <----LOVE THAT!!! Can I steal that one Ashley? Oh do I LOVE it!! 🙂 And I also love that you get it. <3
Yes, I need a bit of time myself sometimes. It does always come.
Such a thought-provoking and heartful post. I related so much to it. I can be tough on Scarlet and expect her to grow up too fast.. even when I’m unwilling to do it myself.
Thanks love! Yes-I expect too much of my kids sometimes too! But ya know what? I think they can rise to the call on most occasions- much like Cassidy did. 🙂
Hi Chris! I think mothers are very good at remembering their ‘low points’ and very poor at remembering the good stuff.
You were a human being, just like your daughter. It is hard to look past the present sorrow and see anything redemptive about it. It’s oh so normal to feel helpless.
Being grateful for crosses is a learned grace. I’m not sure I’m really there yet myself, but I’m willing to work on it!
I’m so glad your daughter’s surgery was a success,
Ceil
I love that Ceil.. “Being grateful for crosses is a learned grace.” Perfectly said. And I am trying to teach my children and me all about this very thing, always. It IS a learned grace. And I believe some of the most powerful testimonies are those that are able to do this very thing. I am a work in progress too… 🙂
It’s so easy to get lost in those tough times that it becomes difficult to escape. I love how you redirected her and yourself into appreciating that there are still blessings during the storms. I need to refocus myself when the down times come. I love your message!!
Thanks so much Jennifer!! I constantly try to open up my children’s world to see beyond themselves. I think it is key to not only understand gratitude, but to always develop an entirely new perspective. It’s a maturation process for sure…
My son has cancer and my heart aches, and once again as I read this. Though his is (KNOCK ON A BIG PIECE OF WOOD) highly curable, I am tired of monthly visits to Sloan Kettering because I hate it for him. He is a trooper; I am working on being one.
It’s hard to teach our children lessons while wanting to allow them to feel badly. But the way I live is that I don’t walk in anyone else’s shoes. Who am I to judge your reactions? No one. But I do hope your daughter is doing well now. Please let me know.
Life is hard. I pass you blessings and prayers and love, Chris.
Oh Cathy! I am SO sorry you and your son have to go through such a horrible season of suffering!! I love that he is a trooper! It’s amazing how our children can teach us a thing or two in the midst of adversity. It IS hard to teach our children lessons while allowing them to feel badly- but I find that is when their hearts are most tender to learning.
I am praying for your son and for YOU my friend… <3
It takes faith to be able to be able to find something to be thankful for when times are tough. It takes faith to be able to rise above the pain. And I admire you for that Chris!
It’s a well worn practice, Jhanis! And I am teaching my kids the art of compassion and the ability to stretch outside of themselves- even in the midst of their own pain. I want my kids to always have my support when they suffer, but I believe it’s so important to guide them outside of their ‘world’ and keep the perspective. I think that is a life lesson that will go far…
“In our suffering, we must find gratitude.” So very true, yet so hard sometimes. But when we find that gratitude, we live a happier life. I know this for a fact. 🙂
You live it better than anyone I know, my dear friend. And oh, how I love that in you!! <3
Go mom! Harsh did the trick. I try to have similar reality checks with my son when he goes on about some trivial thing being “not fair”. The words are sometimes barely out of his mouth now before he says, “You don’t have to say it, I know what you are going to say.” If we all had more gratitude maybe there wouldn’t be such of air of entitlement that you see in some kids now. Thanks for teaching your daughter and sharing the refresher lesson with us as well.
YAY! You totally get this Kenya!! Exactly that. I really believe there are too many selfish entitled kids that live in their self-centered world. I WILL raise my kids to be compassionate thoughtful people. We are constantly practicing this art. And I see my kids grow and stretch outside of themselves and GET IT. It’s important to acknowledge when they are suffering, but putting their pain in perspective is key. I’m so glad you came by!
This is tough. When you see someone suffering so much, at least someone so young, and you feel helpless to make it better, you can either indulge it or try to give them some coping strategies, which I think is what you were doing. I am more of an indulger, and I think it is important to have that too, but a balance is probably best. I hope she is doing well!
Yes Susan! Balance is best. It’s so important to give our pain a voice, and for that voice to be heard and cared for… It is also important to keep things in perspective. I am a big believer in stretching outside of ourselves to see and acknowledge other people’s pain and suffering and needs. I want to raise my kids to be outward thinkers and I think that is part of maturity. I always challenge them to do this. And really? They have become compassionate and thoughtful people because of it. We are all a work in progress over here! 😉
I can understand the way you reacted. I know when I am under stress and fearful I will often react in anger or frustration. No harm is meant by it. I think it’s just that if I feel that I am insistent I can force the outcome that I want. The ‘bad thing’ will just be done. Maybe the words you spoke in that moment were meant for both of you. I think, in the end, that is what you realized and a lesson was learned all around.
I think it was for us both, Sandy. But really it was for her- because I want so badly to instill in her gratitude for everything she has- all the blessings that have been saturating her life. I think practicing this outlook is critical to having a good perspective- despite our hardships/adversities. It was time to use that ‘stretch outside of yourself’ muscle so she can be strong in gripping gratitude always. Since then, she continues to ‘get it’. I am so glad- I hope it continues…
Ooh what a horrible, tough, horrible situation.
I truly understand the angle that your coming from; the value of perspective… Not to force a person to move their mind or their thoughts or their feelings, but to point to the horizon that means lifting our eyes.
It’s the rawness of this story that gets me. It maybe wasn’t in a moment overflowing with compassion, kindness and love that the horizon was pointed to. But we’re human too aren’t we 🙂 We don’t have endless patience and endless energy reserves. Sometimes we can’t take it any more.
Thanks for a thought provoking post.
Steph- I absolutely LOVE how you put that: “Not to force a person to move their mind or their thoughts or their feelings, but to point to the horizon that means lifting our eyes.” Exactly that. The power of perspective- ESPECIALLY in our suffering.
Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. <3