I was driving on the interstate going 70 mph and a car in front of me had a huge piece of ice fall off the top of his car and almost hit me! It was one of those moments where for a split second; I thought I was going to die right there on the way to the doctor. So random, and just one of many instances where I did one of those gasps of relief and as I took in another breath of gratitude, something else happened…
I had one of ‘those revelations’ that caught me off guard in the most beautiful way.
I felt this overwhelming peace come over me.
Instead of that usual panic of “I can’t die! I can’t leave my kids and husband in the midst of their lives!!” I felt this sense of “If I was taken now, I feel incredible assurance that my life was well lived.”
Hmm. It baffled me and yet I was overwhelmed with this new sense of fulfillment and contentedness I hadn’t had until now.
For the rest of the 30 minute drive I reflected on my 47 years of life and dove deeper into those years through my restless roaming 20’s full of mistakes and carelessness, passing into my weary and worn 30’s full of anxiety and despair, and into my 40’s- where I find myself being refined and used more deeply for His Purpose.
It’s a miraculous and ever-changing journey, this life. And in it, I see how God has chiseled away some hard edges and plucked out some thorns. I realize how it took these days- all 17,245 of them, every single one… full of shame, recklessness, brokenness, meandering, experimenting, exploring, discovering, developing, learning, opening, forgiving, restoring, renewing, refining, and surrendering into a slow palpable discovery of grace.
Do I regret decisions I’ve made? Do I still feel shame and pain and wounds from those broken parts of my life and my heart?
Oh yeah.
Will there be more of it?
Oh yeah.
But I see the path more clearly.
I now know the power of ‘aging gracefully’.
Somewhere along the way, life takes a turn in this direction as we age and mature and truly come to know who we were, where it’s taken us and why. Our perspective clears out the ill-fitting pieces that somehow took their place in our hearts causing damage or destruction and we begin to sift through the garbage that had been rotting in those corners of our lives for years…
As we get older, our courage becomes bolder. And as I hold on to God tighter, I feel His merciful love pour over me, much like that car ride to the doctor.
We somehow get to the point of deeper understanding. We somehow learn to embrace our lives more fully. The years take us through an amazing journey in building stepping blocks of wisdom, introspection, gratitude, and peace.
I joked on Facebook about Heaven not being ready for my grand entrance that day…
But perhaps?
I’m not ready for Heaven.
Maybe we have it all wrong. Here in this world of grieving over the ones we’ve lost, we desperately want them back on this earth with us. We miss them terribly and ask why oh why did they have to die so soon? We hang our heads in agonizing confusion and feel betrayed by God.
But.
Could it be that we are only called home to Heaven, when we are fully prepared for His Kingdom? Maybe God’s purpose with this world is to prepare us for the world everlasting? I think of Kay and Kathryn and Jack and Zach and Peyton and all the beloved loves we have lost too soon. I believe they were ready for something far greater than we can ever imagine.
They came into this world more refined and prepared for His Holiness and therefore went home sooner. I think about all of the precious lives in mother’s wombs that never made it out into the air of this world. And somehow, I feel their place in Heaven is even closer to the throne of our Heavenly Father. Their purpose fulfilled long before their creation in a way we cannot ever understand.
These ongoing thoughts have unfolded this week, as I marvel at the limitless ways of God and how bound we are in our limited lives.
And although my perspective is blurry with details unresolved, I now have a new peace that has settled into my heart in a way that helps me grasp the idea of death. I will be comforted in knowing that if anyone I love is taken from this world…
I believe that they were ready for the Holiness of Heaven.
Apparently, either my purpose here on earth is not yet accomplished or I am not ready for His Holiness.
That’s cool. I’m good with that. Just know that if something should happen to me and I die?
I hope everyone who loves me can celebrate that I finally prepared to have His Face truly shine upon me.
And perhaps?
I will make a grand entrance after all.
That must have been scary! I just remembered one time, this was during the marital break down, I was walking aimlessly along the road and mindlessly crossed, I did not know why I crossed the road but I did and it was not a pedestrian crossing. The next thing I knew, I heard this screeching sound and the truck stopped a few inches in front of me. I was dead on my tracks and only started running when the driver opened his windows and started yelling profanity at me. I just broke down when I got home. I felt so selfish because I had been dwelling on my own pain that I was being careless as a mom. I realized that I still had a purpose in life, my kids. God did not let me die that day and the thought gave me a bit of strength to shake the hurt off and focus on my kids.
It’s so funny how life sends us reminders sometimes. I think God has a humorous side. 🙂
Oh Jhanis… I could just picture the scene as you paint such a picture of it all- your pain and that terrible horrifying moment and realization that follows. WOW.
God can really REALLY get our attention, can’t He!? I’m so glad you were okay and that propelled you toward discovering new strength.
Even though I know that Heaven will be wonderful, I’m not ready for it either – the thought of not seeing my boys grow up scares me!!
So glad that you survived that scary drive and ice attack!!
I don’t feel ready to leave my kiddos either Kim! Oh, how horrific to think of it… I pray always for God’s Hand on it all. That is the only source of comfort I can find when I think about leaving them behind.
Love the “…chiseled away some hard edges and plucked out some thorns.” I feel that way too!
Thanks Kelly! Funny how I am currently in the throws of some serious chiseling and thorn plucking right now. Hmm… God surely isn’t done with me here.
Goodness, that’s scary…but interesting perspective you drew from it. I definitely have some rough edges to smooth out, and I hope I have sufficient time to work on it.
Oh, don’t we all Courtney! I am in the throws of some serious refining right now. Life can uproot some big rotting vines in our heart… taken out for God to redeem, heal, reform, and restore. It seems I have much more work ahead… You are definitely not alone!
Well, I certainly hope you don’t go anytime soon because I would miss you and your beautiful words terribly. However, if you were to go, you would make a grand entrance indeed my friend! XOXO
AW! Thanks so much Lisa!! XOXO
Aww, beautifully said and I admit I have my moments as I am getting older that I am truly no where near ready to leave this earth yet, but do strangely feel at peace will all I have experienced, so far, too. So, I get both ends of this coin, but do love how this experience made you think that much further about this and reflect that much more 😉
I love that you get both ends of this… sweet friend. It’s such a hard topic to grasp, even among the faithful!
Ours not to question – ours perhaps just to grieve and be baffled and hold one another in our sufferings, and there find relationship and meaning.
And yet I think there is such significance in our faith and what we believe to be true… that is where I find comfort and peace in knowing at least Heaven’s Hope, and God’s love for our aching hearts.
What an amazing moment! You’ve thought it through so beautifully.
Thank you so much sweet friend. I appreciate you. XOXO
What a peaceful revelation to have, though I’m glad heaven can wait for you!
Me too, Bev. I hope I have years to go before Heaven open’s its doors for my entrance! 🙂
Chris, for some reason this post has me in tears! I don’t know if it’s your beautiful writing or the idea of dying (Heaven can please wait for me for YEARS and years and YEARS *please*) or if it’s awe over the grace and gratitude with which you live your life. Much love friend.
Oh Kristi!! How your words bless me so so much, my sweet dear friend… thank you love. It’s SO hard to think of our lives ending. SO hard. I pray we stick around long long long… <3
Moments like that always give me that panicked feeling of I’m not ready to say goodbye. A few years back I had an allergic reaction to a cortisone shot, where I lost feeling in my legs and torso and arms, and my blood pressure dropped so quickly that the doctor had the nurse call 911…and all I could think about is “I’m going to die without getting to say goodbye to my husband and kids.” It was the worst feeling in the world. I hope I can get to that point where I feel more peace about it.
OH Michelle- that must have been AWFUL and terrifying!! Oh, gosh what a horrific experience! I just pray I have left behind enough of ‘me’ to feel at peace if something should happen. I keep that in mind often- and pray that my kids can have their mother’s fill for life if something should occur. There’s a bit of comfort in that.
I’m so glad you are okay!
A beautiful post inspired after what I’m sure was a scary moment.
I am definitely not ready to say goodbye to my children. There was a time in my life that I was sure I’d go young — and now I find myself thanking God for each day I have with them.
OH friend! I’m so glad you didn’t die young! I just keep clinging to the hope that our God knows exactly what is best for us and will prepare us and our children for what’s to come. There is comfort in believing that truth. <3
Beautiful realization! There are things in our lives that happen to make us think hard of what we’ve done so far and how we’re living our lives. I hope to be able to “age gracefully” and enjoy life. I’m seriously scared to die. I want to see my kid grow. We never really know what happens next. So now I’m just living life the best way I can.
Thanks so much Rea! I used to be scared to die too… I think as we open our hearts to the reality of this life being short-lived, we start to accept and discover for ourselves what lies beyond. No mother wants to leave her kids behind! Oh the horror! I pray God keeps me around long enough to be there for them too. <3
I’m not sure what’s out there, but I have to believe that I wouldn’t want to leave THIS too early.. this family. This job. This life.
I had some scary road experiences too! I hate winter!
And what you have here on this earth is quite amazing my dear friend!! A treasure indeed. <3
What you write really resonates. I have tackled, in a different way, these same feelings on my own blog and the way you have put it here is beautiful.
Thank you so so much Allison! I would love to read your view… will go have a look soon. 🙂
What a beautiful perspective on what can be a difficult subject. I can’t understand why God’s plan is what it is sometimes, especially when He calls someone young home to Him. But I find comfort in knowing that He was ready for Peyton. That she was ready for Him. Thank you for remembering her in this post too.
Oh Sarah, I will never be able to comprehend the depths of your precious loss of Peyton. I grieve for you… and pray that God’s Kingdom in Heaven will be a constant source of Hope and Comfort for you. Hold on mama. Hold on. <3
**And perhaps?
I will make a grand entrance after all.**
Yes, you will, my dear teacher.
God will say, “Welcome, my good and faithful servant. You have lived well.”
And HE will say to me, “Kay’s been waiting. She’s over there with the purring lions”
So much love flowing from me to you. xxx
AW!!!! Kim- your comments always ALWAYS bless me more than you will ever know! I do believe that God will have a few more things to say to you before He leads the way to Kay. 😉
And I am stunned you call me ‘teacher’… I don’t feel I carry that role, unequipped for such a thing! But oh, how I love the idea that perhaps I am sharing lessons- of life, of faith, of the heart. In my own little way. <3
Oh how I love this perspective. It’s an interesting way to look at life. What are we here for? What is our purpose? Have we fulfilled it yet? Only God knows. You, my friend, still have some encouraging words to write and speak. xoxo
Do you know how much it means to me that you always take my words and message to heart… and bless me with your beautiful response? Oh, how I adore you. Having you in my life is such a blessing Jennifer… may God use us together to both nurture and comfort and care for one another- as we do our best to make a difference in the hearts of many! <3
This age is a wonderful place to be, isn’t it, Chris. It feels more peaceful. We trust him more every day, and we seek to hear His voice. The things of this world do not drown His voice out as they could so easily in our youth. And even more, we know we cannot go one step without Him, and the best thing we can do for our children is cover them in prayer constantly. It is just a different place we walk. Even though the storms are greater, so is the peace.
Glad you are OK. Yes, Heaven will have to wait for your grand entrance, my beautiful friend. xo
Oh Topaz… how profound and powerful your words are to me! YES, my dear friend- to it all! Oh, how I adore your perspective and love that we are in a similar place in our faith journey! <3
Well, I’m glad you’re not ready for heaven yet and I’m glad you are save and sound.
Every week we say the Lord’s Prayer in church and I ponder over the first few lines. “They Kingdom come, they will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” I wonder if God wants us to fulfill his work of bringing heaven to earth instead of the other way around. Its up to people like you and me who agonize over the business of the heart to do His work…here on earth…and create a better place now and for our great-great-great-grandchildren.
Oh how I love that perspective Stephanie! “It’s up to people like you and me who agonize over the business of the heart to do His work…here on earth…”
YES oh YES oh YES. I love that you and I are in this together, dear friend. <3
I understand that feeling of evolving as we age. I find that it is happening to me. Things that were confusing become clearer and clearer. I’m enjoying life more as a I get older.
Isn’t it wonderful Anna? I live a more GRACE-FILLED life these days… it makes for a much easier and intentional existence I wish I had in my 20’s and 30’s. But I think it’s all a process of aging… growing in wisdom and somewhere along the journey, we start to allow acceptance and confidence in who we are to soak in.
Wow Christine! What an experience. Interesting that it caused you to reflect and gain a renewed sense of peace. Six weeks ago I had a similar experience, I was choking on a large pill, unable to BREATHE. I ran into my husband’s office, and when he hit me on the back instead of doing the Heimleich maneuver, I literally thought, “Oh no, he doesn’t know Heimleich. I’m going to die.” I was able to make him understand through sign language what to do, and boy was I relieved when that pill popped out.
But I didn’t have any profound reflections after that! Just thankfulness!
I am SO glad you are okay Betsy!! SO scary…
I think it just depends on the place we are at, ya know? I have been in a deep place of reflection and processing- which probably led me toward the response to that experience. My heart was tender and open to insight- and it’s not always that way! 🙂
pretty sure I’ve still got some edges and thorns, so I guess God isn’t ready for me yet! LOL
but glad to hear that you are okay, and still with us, because I don’t think many of US are ready for you to go home yet!! We’d miss these words that keep shaping our hearts.
Oh Leslie… how I adore your words and encouragement!! Thank you friend. And apparently, I have some more pruning and carving and molding to do still here. Praying for peace in the process.
Chris that gave my goosebumps. This is a beautiful testimony. I can’t say that in those remaining minutes of the drive home that I would have felt the same way. Either way I feel that I’m not ready – I have some fixing to do but I also need to embrace life more fully as it is. Thank you for your perspective on that – very very uplifting!
Oh thank you SO much Kenya! I have felt the same as you on MANY occasions… believe me. For some reason, I think as I get older and truly open my heart to Grace and ‘what it’s all for’- I see more clearly. It’s far from done. Matter of fact- I just dove into the trenches of my darkest corners this past week- and the emotional toll it has taken leaves me depleted and somewhat tormented. Apparently, more work needs to be done here on earth…
I know God is in this- and this is one raw wound that needs healing.
Oh Chris, I love you. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you not only thought of me and Kathryn, that you actually mentioned her. I often wonder if we stick around longer for those reasons. I hope there is some reason to it all.
And, I’m glad you were not hurt! Because your children need you. And many other people too!
And I love YOU Alexa… so very much! <3 You are in my heart and my prayers more than you know, my dear friend. XOXO
Even though I’m not sure what I believe about life after this one, I love the comfort and serenity with which you view it, Chris. It’s contagious, I think.
OH Dana! What a BEAUTIFUL comment. Thank you so much my friend. THAT is my prayer… always. <3
Scary! I’m pretty sure–no matter how ready for Heaven I ever get–I’m always going to worry about the family I’m leaving behind. I hope I don’t die til I’m over 100
I sometimes feel the same way Brittany! “God PLEASE don’t take me!!!” But- at least we hold the beautiful and miraculous hope that Heaven is truly Home, my friend. This life is but a short walk, compared to the horizon ahead.
I love your perspective here, Chris. I don’t want to go yet either. And I hope I have lots more time to accomplish things, but I know, in the end, it’s all in His timing.
I love your faith Rabia… <3
What a scary experience! But sounds like you learned a powerful lesson, too. I’m in that stage of the 30s full of anxiety and stress, but you’re right…every year I see myself growing stronger and more capable of what life throws my way. Great post!
Thanks so much Meredith! I love that you see your journey in the same way. It’s beautiful really, when you realize how each season/decade brings more clarity and strength- and above all grace!