Inspiration and ideas for how to say NO to your kids.
I say “no” to my kids about a dozen times a day, give or take a few dozen. And each time I deliver that provocative response, I weigh it heavily on my heart. I know the significance of my intention. I must measure the meaning with utmost clarity and consciousness. Human nature drowns us in entitlement, spilling into the river of excess and gluttony, soaking us with spoiled selfishness. It’s my job to stop the waves from crashing in…
Children have a relentless yearning for more. We are all born with this elusive self-centered hunger, aren’t we? It is up to us parents to help our kids shift their perspective from the constant need for instant gratification, to a deeper understanding of self control. We have a responsibility to nurture maturity in our children, through the process of saying “no”.
I believe this is one of the hardest lessons in life, because it is ongoing in our own lives as well. Even as adults, we often struggle with the unequivocal ‘no’, don’t we?
And so it goes…
Along the path of parenting, we must honor this value in every corner of our lives. We must demonstrate that more isn’t better and “no” paradoxically can often lead to more. Setting limits is imperative, in order to lead a healthy and productive life. Not having each and every opportunity or item that we desire is a reality and a good one at that! It takes great awareness, discernment and patience to choose yes or no to everything that comes our way. I believe we must practice this principle every day in our lives, so that our children can see our consistent examples of accepting ‘no’.
How do you handle limitations in your life? Take a closer look, and evaluate this carefully. Do your children see your need for more? Do they watch you value “yes” more than “no”?
I believe that is the first order of business for us parents. We need to demonstrate the ability to accept and honor those things we can’t do, have, or be, with dignity and grace…
Our children’s watchful eye will take it in. And as we embark on the most difficult lesson to teach, our modeling will only stand to enhance and encourage the same in our kids.
We must raise children with the wisdom of understanding the difference between greed and need, happiness and allowance, freedom and responsibilities. Our culture dismisses such differences, so we go against the grain of many. How many of our kids’ friends have this mentality? How many of our own friends do? It’s everywhere. And if we are honest with ourselves, don’t we grapple with greed as well?
Too many children associate more with happiness and design a conditional attachment to getting what they want…
“If I don’t get this, then you don’t love me.”
It is our job to change that perspective and teach them what love truly is about…and quite frankly, what life is really all about.
Every time you say “no”, there is an educational opportunity for your child. Too often parents exclaim, “Because I said so!” What does that teach your child? I can only guess that the lesson with that response is one of authority.
May I suggest we explain our “no”s?
I make sure with every “no” I give; there is an explanation that has reasoning behind it. I believe our kids are not only deserving of this, but through this process, they will build much-needed problem solving abilities to accept “no”. How else will they develop the insight and wisdom to make their own decisions?
I want my message to be heard more than my “no”.
There are times when my kids argue with me, and don’t care to accept my explanation. That’s okay. I have noticed that although most times they are mad or disappointed, they often get the “why” to the “no”. The more I take the time to explain, the more they understand and accept the answer. There are also times when they have a good argument against my “no” and I honor it, with a shift to “yes”.
It’s in these conversations that lessons are learned and principles are placed. My kids can process through decisions that will help them navigate their own answers as they grow to be independent thinkers.
I already see the fruits of my labor in my children’s perspective. At the young ages of 9 and 11, they get it. That doesn’t mean they are free from greed and entitlement, as I believe that will be a constant challenge for us all. But they understand the values our family holds, and ultimately they recognize the significance of “no” fitting into that foundation. They choose reasoning over desire to make many decisions often, and I’m proud of their ability to dive beyond the impulse and often set their own limits.
I’m sure as they get older, this idea will present more challenges! I’d like to think I am building the groundwork for all decisions in my children’s lives, through taking the time to teach them the value of “no”.
I think telling a child “no” is a healthy part of raising them. I wish they would listen to the “no” more often, of course, without the debate that follows. I struggle with that debate and admit to using the “cause I’m the mom” clause in the parenting contract. Someone once told me once you engage in the debate/explanation you have already lost. I tried to explain, as you did hear, that I am trying to give the why not engage in a debate. yet I fail on that way too often (hence, the I said so clause)
My favorite line I use ALL. THE. TIME. is “End of discussion!”
I get it Kerri. I do…
I do agree that I also have to be the one to say, “No” more often than not, but also do agree that when I do give a reasonable explanation it does seem to get accepted better than just saying, “Because I said so!” And I also very much agree that building the groundwork as they get older, I am hopeful for it to teach the understanding of the word, “No”, too.
That’s awesome Janine!! Yes… I think we can teach them so much through saying no!
I’m guilty of using the “because I said so” reply to my kids when I say no. But I do try to explain why I say no as often as I can. We do need to say no as parents. Sometimes I’ll turn the question to them and ask why I should say yes. More does not mean better. Oh, how that message is often lost these days….
Sometimes when they whine “WHY???” I’ll say “Figure it out. You’re a smart kid. I know you can surely see why…”
If they keep whining? I proclaim: “END of discussion. If you say one more thing about this topic, I will give you a consequence!”
That usually nips it. 🙂
Christine, I honor your response. How amazing that the one thing I totally do not get with “today’s” parents is their inability to Parent – the verb.
Children always want more. As a single mom, I had a reason for my NO, it was affordability. Do I pay keep the lights on or buy you those $150 tennis shoes?
Do I get those $100 jeans or buy food. I always knew my why, and explained it without going into detail. It was only after purchasing our home that my children got it.
You know what happened? My son found a pay stub, showed his sister and said ” She wasn’t lying to us, look how little money she makes. How can she afford the house?”
You have no idea how proud of him I was when he shared that information.
Children grow when they are must handle what is difficult in life. It is our jobs as parents to raise resilient, resourceful and thoughtful adults.
Well done, Christine!
Oh Michelle, what an EXCELLENT example of parenting with a verb!! I love that your kids ‘got it’!! And bravo to you for making some hard choices, I’m sure… Your kids will be better for it- this I know to be true!!
You have succeeded in this:
“It is our jobs as parents to raise resilient, resourceful and thoughtful adults.”
We have said “no” many times but I’ve found that all those Nos when the boys were younger paid off. I don’t have to say it as often now because the boys know the boundaries:)
And THERE it is!! You are evidence of this post!! I’m starting to see the principles played out here too… it’s WONDERFUL, isn’t it?
BRAVO MOM!!! I had a feeling you would share the same values I do, Kim!! 🙂
No is definitely a word that needs to be taught to our children. We live in the age of entitlement, and as they get older they will find that that is simply not reality. You cannot have everything you want. You have to work to achieve your successes and spoils. Saying no, and providing an understanding of why it is being said is fundamental to our children’s proper unbringing.
As usual, you nailed it!
AMEN to your comment and your perspective Christina!!
“Saying no, and providing an understanding of why it is being said is fundamental to our children’s proper upbringing.”
I struggle with this, and I have a non-Christian husband who simply does not get this (although as the kids get older, I think he’s beginning to see). I don’t think it’s an issue with love – we are all very affectionate and loving, no matter what happens, but “Stuff” gets in the way. My husband grew up in a situation where stuff was always taken away and it’s hard for him not to show love with gifts. Complicated issue, but thank you for making me think hard about this!
I think there might be a difference between gift giving (An actual love language) and discipline… perhaps? I don’t know the details, but I think it gets a bit difficult when we allow kids to have everything they want for all the wrong reasons…
My son saved 600 bucks for the last three years from X mas, birthdays and allowances (he’s nine) and has been discerning what to buy each and every time he goes to the stores with me… never deciding a toy was worth his hard saved money!!
Just recently he decided he really REALLY wanted an ipad. He used his money, and he was SO excited about it!! Of course he loves it. He also just bought a cool longboard… with his saved money. Excellent choices, because he waited to spend his money on things he knew he would use and play with for a long time. He still has money left. Lots of it! Tucked away in his bank account to save for now.
My point is that we didn’t buy him those things. He did. I really think he will enjoy those things so much more, having bought them himself. We had no reason to buy him those things unless it is his b day or x mas… and even then we are very cautious on what we choose!
I have no idea why I just rambled that story Gina!! I will just hope you and your hubs and unite on how to set limits with your kids!! I know it can be so hard if two parents have different principles!!
I am the Queen of NO, so I didn’t think I needed to read this, btu I was wrong. Full of wisdom. And this: “It is up to us parents to help our kids shift their perspective from the constant need for instant gratification, to a deeper understanding of self control.” is brilliant!
Oh I’m so glad you DID get something out of this Allie!! Yeah… that statement is the heart of it all…
Cassidy is the “no, because I said so” guy and I give very long-winded explanations! And sometimes I get angry too, when it’s questioned.
I think they need to know that there are boundaries. Of course. I get “no” said to me every so often too! Sob.
Your kids are still so young, it’s tricky explaining things to them!! Very simple explanations and dialogue is key… And authority is still an important message too at their age!
This is FANTASTIC. Almost brought me to tears. Whew: “Do your children see your need for more? Do they watch you value “yes” more than “no”?” Wow, so deep. It’s not just about me teaching them and saying “no” to them (and how hard that is sometimes!), but it’s about me modeling contentment and gratitude and priorities. I’m sharing this all over the place…
Aw! Thanks so much for sharing it Elizabeth!!! That is probably the most important part of teaching our kids… truly modeling it! They soak it all in… 😉
Saying “no” to our kids is showing them the way and placing limits, which are very important for them to grow.
“I want my message to be heard more than my “no”. YES Chris. I definitely agree with you. The explanation is essential. A “no” does not mean anything if we don’t state why we say no. Somedays we would like to rest and let the “no” out. But it won’t serve our kids.
Lovely post, as always. Thanks for sharing your words and wisdom with us.
I love that you agree so passionately with me on this Marie! It is hard work having to truly teach our kids the value of no, but it must be done!
I try to do this too, and it’s definitely not easy with a toddler. And I always follow my ‘no’ with a proper explanation. Thanks for sharing this. Glad to know I’m not alone in denying my kid some things!
I think the older our kids get, the more significant our explanations will be to developing this perspective! Toddlers definitely need a reason to the no, but it’s more simple and to the point. As they grow older, a deeper discussion about values can help our kids apply those principles to their own lives.
It’s never easy, no matter the age- that’s for sure!! 🙂
I don’t have kids, but I am certainly very grateful for how often I was told no by my own parents. It taught me to really think about how much I want a certain thing and is a habit I’ve carried with me throughout life.
I love that Jeri! You are a product of intentional parenting! I am too… and I think it’s one of the best life lessons to learn!
Thanks for stopping by to read this, Jeri!! 🙂
Oh how I love this – such gentle wisdom and encouragement here! This was very timely for me, as I’ve had a little trouble saying no when needed to my oldest recently. Thanks for reminding me of what’s most important! I too want my message to be heard more than my “no” : )
I’m so glad this helped, Sybil!! I think we all need a reminder from time to time. It’s HARD WORK saying no!! 🙂
Hi Chris! This is a constant battle as a parent. I never liked to say ‘no’ either. It’s so much easier to just say ‘yes’! I remember having an epic battle with my son over prom plans. Oy. No amount of talking and reasons helped that one.
I think as parents we have to remember that being constant in intention is good, as is being consistent.
He’s a parent of young ones now, and I suspect he’ll see the wisdom in what we said when his sweet little girl is 17!
Hang in there Chris. Sounds like you are doing wonderful things.
Ceil, I think I’m going to need your help when my kids get a wee bit older!!! I’m calling on you in a few years!! 😉 Oy. LOL!!
I totally agree with providing the “why” to a “no” whenever it is possible. It might not be necessary or appropriate all the time, but I think it can help them understand the reason we have rules, values, ways of doing things.
To me, the old “because I said so” is meant to convey power and authority, but I question if it actually does that. the one thing I will not do is debate for 10 minutes with my 5 year old like I am trapped in some kind of intense movie finale negotiation. Like, I used to make 230 pound male inmates listen to me, and I can’t get my 8 year old to brush her teeth? what the…??!! so unacceptable.
so I say my no, provide my reason if I can….. and then I walk away. do not make eye contact after that! They can sense fear! LOL
Oh great point Leslie!!! I refuse to get into a debate too!! If they calmly state their reasoning, I’m all ears… and if they continue to not accept the answer when I respond with understanding and explanation… then we are DONE. 🙂
I think kids are smarter than they let on and once we explain to them to their level the reason for the “no”, they’ll surely understand. That is if they don’t play stubborn. 🙂
Thanks for these helpful tips. Enjoy the weekend!
Aren’t they all stubborn? Ha! Yes… they do understand so so much!! But not getting what you want is a fundamental life lesson, even though we ALL want it all and get frustrated when we can’t have it! Lord knows I can be stubborn too! 🙂
It can be so hard some times! My son freaks out at the word “NO” and it can make whatever the situation is so much worse. We tend to redirect, or say “NO” in a different way! Great post!
Ah… yes Sarah!! It’s truly how we word our no’s sometimes!! Especially when our children are younger. Great point my friend!!
I find that I say it far too often bu tin a kind way, “I’m sorry we can’t get that now, that toy lives here. Maybe next time you can bring your own money and we can see if it can come home with us.” works well! Also acknowledging their feelings!
AGREED Kristen!! And my kids now can think through that very process on their own… oh, how I love that!! And yes- feelings aren’t wrong, they deserve validation! I know I feel disappointed when I have to face a no. That is part of learning how to cope with limitations in our lives… Thanks for your thoughtful response, Kristen!! 🙂
I think telling our kids no is one of the best gifts we can give them. But I absolute LOVE how you say to explain the reason why to them.
Thanks for a great post!!
It is so important that my kids truly understand why we set limits… how can we teach them to set their own? It’s all about preparing them to be their own thinkers and help them build that solid foundation based on principles and values, yes? I’m so glad you came by my friend!! THANK YOU!!
Thank you Christine! This is my first time reading your writings and I LOVE YOUR BLOG! While I was reading it I was like: Yes! Yes! She writes from my heart! Being a parent is so fantastic, but scary some times.Those waves what we supposed to stop and protect our children from, often crashing us. I’m a Christian Mom have been 15 years, but I have to admit I’m still and probably forever will learn how to protect “what LOVE truly is about and quite frankly, what life is really all about.” As of my humble opinion, based on experiences, authorities today (Theocentric or Anthropocentric or whatever centric) does not value independent thinkers, Self control, Maturity, Wisdom…authorities often want blinded followers…I wonder about everything…all. the. time. also. But seeing ourself through God’s Eyes as we developing our Identity in Him is the most amazing and humbling experience. Especially when your children finds theirs. Your previous blog “Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful You” really touched my heart also. Yes, the power we received from our Father, is a great responsability. Parent or not. Crashing Waves here We come! Your blog is an answered prayer! Thank you. (Ha! Thanks Elizabeth Thompson for sharing Christine’s blog.)
Oh my gosh what a BEAUTIFUL comment, my new friend!!! Thank you SO much for your incredible encouragement and your thoughtful insights you shared in response to my posts!! I think I love you. Really. I do. Do you wanna be best friends? 🙂 I’m SO glad you came by, and I look SO forward to our time together here!! Your faith and wisdom and perspective bless me… <3
Honestly, I’m still learning how to say no to other adults. It’s a process, love, as with anything.
I read this today and was touched:
“Until we can say “no” in a relationship, our “yes’s” are meaningless.”
Food for thought…for all of us.
With heart & meaning,
Dani
Love that Dani! And oh, how hard it is to say no for me too!! I struggle with that, but I am learning more about setting limits… and although it’s SO hard to let others down, we must find peace in allowing ourselves to make those hard choices. I’m getting better at surrendering those things in which I cannot do…
I love this! I do think sometimes though, I have a problem saying YES too. It’s a fine balance. But, I’m pretty good at saying no. 🙂
Oh great flip side perspective, Meredith!! Yeah… it IS a fine balance!! I struggle with the YES’s too…
Yes! Yes! Yes! You are right on track with this one. Part of teaching out children and loving our children is setting boundaries and sometimes saying no. I loved this sentence: “We must raise children with the wisdom of understanding the difference between greed and need, happiness and allowance, freedom and responsibilities.”
Thanks for this piece.
Thanks Nicole! YES! I refuse to enable my kids to grow into thinking they are entitled to everything they desire. That is not how the world works… I think we as parents need to teach them this truth early on and continue to set an example for them.
Chris, you are spot on, as always with love and wisdom. Here’s to explaining the no. I’ve been guilty of buying Tucker things he doesn’t really need because he gets so upset but really I need to explain the no. Thanks, friend. <3
It can be HARD to really stop and process through it with our kids… but there is so much value in it! It takes work, and effort and patience… all of which I do not have sometimes!! lol
This is such a great piece Chris! I have to admit, I’m a pro at saying no. For some reason I’ve always been fixated on raising children who weren’t overly indulgent.
While some look at my daughter and comment that she’s spoiled (she has an iPhone, iPad, MacBook Air, and many other luxuries), I’m quick to point out that this is a tween who’s an honor roll student, respectful, helpful, does all her chores promptly without parental involvement, has been competitively dancing and works really hard, and is a Girl Scout – just an all-around awesome child. So, if she doesn’t deserve a few extras I don’t know who does!
LOVE that you are a pro at saying no Carin!! And kudos to your daughter for being such a responsible and hard working individual!! When we live a responsible life and work hard, we can earn great things!! 🙂 That’s a valuable lesson in itself. 🙂
Wow, this post is on fire for a good reason! So much wisdom here. This is such an important concept for parents and kids to understand!
I am passionate about this topic Stephanie!! I honestly tell my kids when I am frustrated or angry that “I REFUSE TO RAISE ENTITLED KIDS!!!”
I do. Kinda like your morning… actually JUST like your morning!! lol 😉
Great advice! I totally agree – saying no is hard, but necessary. I admit that I am guilty of a “Because I said so!” here and there, but I try to give my kids an explanantion.
I am too… on a no tolerance kinda day. 😉 But usually the “Because I said so” has already been explained several times anyway!!