Inside the Mind of a Shopping Mom

February is a bit of a lottery month for me, because not only does it have Valentine’s Day, but it is also my wedding anniversary on the 17th. It is my hubby’s tradition to give me Kohl’s gift cards for both, to which I exclaim, “YIPPEE!” There is nothing more delicious than shopping with a gift card! (emphasis on gift, because then you can buy anything you want) What could possibly be the topping of this dessert? The melting fudge of a shopping excursion WITHOUT the children! Time ALONE, with gift cards, in favorite store, alone, gift cards, favorite store, alone…gift cards…favorite store…get chills just thinking about it!

Here’s the proverbial whipped cream and cherry on top…..I had the exquisite 30% off coupon I got in the mail!!!!! If you are a Kohl’s girl, you know this is the big daddy of all coupons. It’s the elite and highest level of existence in the Kohl’s card world. It is the gold ticket in the Willie Wonkohls Bar. There is NOTHING better than that! (Man, that store has the best scam EVER. They reel the shoppers in with discounts and, just as you have finally exhausted all means of the Kohl’s frenzy filled with great deals, they go and send you another one! And of course to BOOT, there is ALWAYS a sale at Kohls. And dare I mention the oozing Kohl’s cash that comes with it??) In my home, we all know that mommy doesn’t buy ANYTHING that is not on sale, and coupons are mommy’s best friend.

With that said… being a stay at home mom having only one income for our household, and the idea of “mommy out shopping at a store with crazy sales, coupon in hand, alone, guilt free gift card…” is a dream come true. It’s almost as good as a Caribbean Cruise.      Almost…

Here’s how it played out:

“La la la la la….here I am at Kohls! On my own! No kids to drag me down and distract me and make me scream. Aw, that poor woman with her kids, I should smile that compassionate mom-to-mom smile and give her some support. No, I will turn and walk away. No mom talk today. No, no, no, no….okay, got to. (Smile and tell her I have two bandits of my own…she nods in that ever so grateful way. Conversation ensues…yikes. Must turn off my mom radar immediately after this lovely bonding moment.) La la la la…oh my, look at all the clearance signs! Where do I begin?? Now Chris, it’s only 50 bucks, don’t go too crazy. I will start at the home décor, wouldn’t that be fun! Oooooh, look at that gorgeous painting! It would go so nicely on my living room wall! Lets see, 50% off, plus my 30% off….hmm… wow! OMG! But wait, I cannot do this. I JUST replaced the other wall loop thing with the clearance damaged paintings and took all that time to mark out all the cracks in the new steal of a deal on my wall now. No. don’t you dare go there….Oooh, look at those pillows! Have enough. Oooh…look at those baskets! Clearance too! HAVE ENOUGH. Stop now!

Onward.

Yum. I just love Mike-n-Ikes. ALL to myself. (Gnawing on handfuls straight from my purse pocket) Uh oh, coming up on the kid’s sections. Okay, now is the time for utmost strength and total control of my inhibitions.  I spent my last gift card on them.  Not gonna happen again!  Don’t look. Just DON’T LOOK! Oh dear Lord in heaven, there are so many clearance racks in my peripheral vision, I can almost taste the savings! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Don’t stray from the mission! This is about ME not them! (Turning into the girl’s rack…)         I suck.

(Thirty minutes later)

Are you happy now? You just wasted all that time! You have at least a hundred bucks worth of savings for both your kids and of course for that baby shower three months away. (I stop and look down at my overflowing cart…then turn it in the corner of a full-blown crazy mess of a site clearance area that hadn’t been touched in hours. I then abandon the cart, walk away, head down in shame…and go find a new cart. )

Okay, that was hard. But free at last free at last! THANK GOD, I’m free at last! On to the Misses area!!! Wonder if I will find anything that I can squeeze into and look half my age!! It’s worth a shot! I’m living on the edge today baby!!! Okay, slow down sister. Straight line to the clearance rack of course. Don’t get too crazy! Hmm….no, no, no, no. Hmm…Maybe? Maybe? Maybe? Will try on… HELL no, Hell no, HELL no. Sigh…

Back to the second clearance rack not giving up hope yet! Okay, here we go! Hmm…. No, no, no, seriously? Oh my… I am outa this area NOW! Who am I kidding?? Wha- wha- what’s that? Hmm…. Cute! Big elastic waste (a must) but cute cargo shorts I could wear in Florida! Oh YES!!! Oh.  Maternity wear.  Oh no.  But I can cut the tag off and no one will ever know! SCORE! They fit beautifully under my now permanent muffin top! With a big shirt, it will work! Case closed. Why on earth is there maternity wear in this section anyway?   Oh dear…

Okay, must buy something that screams NON-maternity now. I have to make up for this little secret …on to the Mrs. Section. (I walk through the Jennifer Lopez glitz and glam… really? Geez. Never in a million years.) Find the Mrs. racks full of clearance stuff to sort through! Hmm… maybe, maybe, maybe, ooooh JEANS! Hmm…uh, no, no, maybe, maybe, looking hopeful! (Go to dressing room) No, no, no, hmm…if I suck it in just a little bit more… THERE! They fit! (Turn to look at backside, of course) OOOHHH! Looking good ol’ lady, looking good! But can I stand the squeeze… is it worth it? Digging into my skin now… maybe they will stretch more after I wear them through the day. YEAH! That’s IT! I am soooo getting these!! (Gasp as I peel them off of me.)

Now these are awesome comfy yoga pants…yay! They FIT! Nice elastic. Loving them! Oooh! Another sweat pant-like material yoga pants! And the price is sooo right! (Mind furiously calculating the 30% off of each clearance price and adding up to the magic number 50.00)

Looking at clothes in a ball in the corner of the changing room. Ugh….I really wanna walk away. Really do. I mean, I clean up after myself and the kids all darn day and night. It’s MY day out! Oh hell, already abandoned a full cart…just not right.   (Spend ten minutes hanging up all the misfits.)

(Phone rings…it’s hubby wondering where I am, and why it’s taking so long. Kids are with Grandparents for the afternoon and sleepover. Dinner date is waiting!)

Okay, looks like a good combination of things to buy:

One pair of maternity shorts,
One pair of tight fitting hot jeans,
Two pairs of yoga pants for comfort.
It adds up to 55.00 so I can still use my gift card and my coupon can be used if I pay the remaining 5 bucks with my Kohl’s card. Ooooh! I will get Kohl’s CASH too! (Ah…the lure will haunt me back…)

Off to check out and my shopping spree is done and everything I dreamed it would be!

Think I’ll call and check in on the children…

kinda missing them.