This will be a blog that is trivial, but worthy of writing due to the impact this issue has on mothers everywhere on a daily basis. I have a profound burden to bring about change in this area of child rearing, so as to stop the cycle of dysfunction around the world. What is this perpetual stump we mothers stub our maternal toe on? What is the thing that makes us most crazy on a daily basis?
Ten minutes before departure…
Almost every single darn day it happens. The pace of the home is ordinary and the rhythm is ticking productively as the children are preparing for the day/event/activity/ETC. The efficiency of time seems doable and all hope is on the “on time arrival”… Which leads us to:
Ten minutes before departure…
No matter how many ways I attempt to make things go smoothly, it seems to over ride all efforts and systems that were checked in place. Within minutes of leaving our home, this new aura mysteriously takes over the mindset of my precious cherubs. I picture a mist spreading it’s sinister vapors like a fog machine filling up the house as hysteria starts to rise. My wonderful adoring children inhale these radiating fumes, and they get:
STUPID!
Yes, I said it. I said the “S” word. I’m very sorry to call my children that horrible word, but there are many other words I can think of that actually reflect their behavior better and they sure aren’t nice.
Why? You ask why I say that bad “S” word to describe my children the last ten minutes before departure? I will now give you a sample of the scene that plays out in my house…..
“Okay guys! We have 15 minutes before we need to leave! Everyone dressed and brushed teeth, right?” (As I frantically clean dishes from breakfast and scurry to pack the lunches and snacks etc.)
“Sure mom….”
“Okay, did you clear your plates?”
“Uh….” (While watching Sponge bob, they are in a trance)
“HELLO!!! Do you hear me???? If I come downstairs and you haven’t cleared your plates, there will be a consequence!” (I run upstairs to get dressed in my 5 minute “me time”)
“DID YOU CLEAR YOUR PLATES??? TEN MINUTES PEOPLE!!! I AM COMING DOWN AND YOU BETTER BE AT THE DOOR READY TO GO!” (Yelling now from upstairs…)
Nothing.
(Flying down the stairs knowing full well the vapor has been released)
“Are you kidding me???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????”
(Kids still sitting on couch with zombie-looking faces)
“MOVE IT!!!! NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!”
(Kids startled from their trance-like state, and start to wander around the room oblivious to any direction.)
“Okay….let me be CLEAR! Get your plates and take them to the kitchen like you have been expected to do for EVERY MEAL, since the day you could walk and hold a plate!!!”
(They slowly grab one plate while leaving their cups behind)
“CUPS PAAAAAAHLEEEEEEEZE!!”
(They wander back to room and get their cups and bring them to the kitchen, where they start to wrestle.)
“Really? REALLY?????? We should be in the car LEAVING BY NOW!!!! Do you have your shoes and socks on? Did you pack your lunch? Have you done ANYTHING??????”
(Again they start to scurry in a disoriented state and wander looking for their socks….they seem to have forgotten where they are.
“Uh…mom? Where are our socks??”
“Seriously? SERIOUSLY?????”
“Oh yeah, in this bin. I forgot. Oops. Hey stop pushing me! No YOU stop pushing me! NO YOU!!! NO YOU!!!! YOU!!! YOU!!!!!!!!!!”
“OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN ABOVE PLEASE KEEP ME FROM KILLING MY CHILDREN!!!!!”
“Mom where are my shoes??”
(My eyes now beaming with a red glow….)
“Please tell me you see them…please!!! Do you NOT see them right over there??? RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!!”
“Oh yeah…..oops!”
“Okay, HOW in the world could you not see that your socks don’t match??? Are you seriously blind? LORD please help me…..”
“Um…Oh! That’s funny! Oops! I’ll find the matching……MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!!!! NO YOU MOVE! NO YOU MOVE!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
“THAT’S ENOUGH! Both of you STOP IT!”
“But he was pushing me and I was trying to get a sock and that’s not FAIR!!!!”
“You know what’s really not fair???? THAT MY CHILDREN CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF THEM GET THEIR SHOES AND SOCKS ON!!!! AND THAT THEY CANNOT SEEM TO REMEMBER TO CLEAR THEIR PLATES!! AND THAT FOR THE LIFE OF ME, NO MATTER HOW EARLY WE START AND WHAT I DO TO ‘HELP THEM’…. WE ALWAYS RUN LATE!!!!!!!”
(They were in the car during this entire rant….as I screamed and scurried to get my coffee….looking over to find my daughter’s backpack on the bench.)
(Open garage door and walk to car to find them laughing and playing….)
“Dear, do you think you might need something for school today?”
(Long, long, long minute passes while daughter thinks….and thinks…and thinks….)
“Oh yeah!”
(She runs in grabs backpack and runs out the door leaving lunch behind)
“WILL YOU BE EATING SOMETHING TODAY???”
(Again looking confused and realizes what I meant, in the nick of time before I was going to unleash more ugly on her)
“Well, that was a lovely morning huh kids??? Do you enjoy this craziness right before we leave? You must love it, because it happens almost every day! Why I ask? WHY????? There are very few things that are expected of you…..VERY FEW!!!! You know them, don’t you? Basic! Simple! You are both smart kids. You can do this! I know you can do better! Now you have a good day at school and we will have a better morning tomorrow, won’t we?”
(Daughter nods while mind is on the friend she just saw and her need to catch up with her at drop off…)
“WAIT!!!! WAIT!!! WHERE’S YOUR COAT!!!!!???????”
Yes, every day…however plenty of time to watch television!! So, there is no T.V in the morning what-so-ever…not negotiable!
We told them that if they were watching T.V. and masked men came into our house the children would have no clue. They would go into the back and attack us and carry our lifeless bloody bodies out to the living room…no one would even know until the kids started fighting and needed a referee!! They would perhaps attend to the situation, only to tell us to “SHHH!! We can’t hear the T.V!!” Who am I kidding, they would turn up the volume! Maybe then they would save us, cuz they couldn’t find the remote they just had, they would come ask for help…no. They would just yell from the couch that they couldn’t find it…
Nope, we would just be dead.
LOVE IT!!!!!! SOOOOOO TRUE! 🙂
It is a universal problem. I am convinced of it, too. You can literally have it timed out like a military style operation and still one minute into their part of the routine and all bets are off. I consider it a successful morning when neither one of my children leave for school crying! 😉 Great work here! 🙂
THAT is HILARIOUS!!!! Feels so good to know you go through the same thing I do every morning!! LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are reading me!!! THANK YOU!
Oh man, this is all so true to life for me! Holy moly. I was holding out hope it would get better when my boys got older, but now I’m not so sure! Shoes, socks on, plates to the kitchen, thats all I ask in the morning, and it never happens. Thanks for the wry smile, good to know I’m not alone.
Holy GUACAMOLE!!! Ha! It’s always such a good feeling that I am not alone in this UN ending morning nightmare. I continue to live it EVERY DAY! Blows my mind each time I look at my kids, and ground hog day happens over and over and over again. Thanks for your comment and for reading me!!!! Keep coming back!! 😉
Yes! Oh my gosh the sock and shoes!!!! What the heck is wrong with kids??? Yesterday I was ready to dash out the door and had asked my son to get his shoes on 15 times. He’s slowly wandering around the house saying “I don’t see them anywhere”. When I look at him he is nose deep in his DS. WHAT?!?
Oh yes… the video games… yes…ds…. I need to update our mornings of “stupid”. This was a few years ago- so I am not sure Cade had a DS yet!
It’s enough to drive us CRAZY!!!!! 🙂