Are you good at saying “No”?
I think many women struggle with this word.
I know I do…
You receive a call from a dear friend asking for help moving all her things to storage Saturday, but you don’t know how you can come through with such a busy weekend ahead. Your church emails you a request to serve at the weekly ministry this winter, and you just don’t have the time or the energy to do it but you’ll feel awful if you let them down. The school called and they desperately need a volunteer for the upcoming winter event, but you’re torn because that week’s schedule is already packed.
We are passionate people, and we have compassionate hearts. When there is someone in need we seem to have a hard time turning down their request. There are endless opportunities to say “No” in our lives as there are endless people in need of help. Whether it’s organizations, ministries, philanthropic groups, beloved friends or family, there are countless asks and we are faced with the giving them the answer.
“Yes!”
Or.
*Gulp*
“No.”
My dear friend, Galit Breen asked me to write a guest post for VProud, and I am deeply honored to have my article about this very difficult topic published on such an incredible site! I believe this is an issue we need to work through as we all learn to discern how to better care for ourselves in balancing our ability to give when we can, serve where it’s needed- BUT also practice the fine art of knowing when to say “No” before we find ourselves exhausted and depleted.
Can you say “AMEN”?
Let’s get wise together and pursue a more intentional response to all those requests that is both fulfilling and purposeful- but not overwhelming and frantic. We don’t have to say “Yes” every time, despite the pressure we feel to come through. WE can’t be everything to everyone, and if we try, we will surely fail. If we don’t say “no” often enough, we will miss out on what matters most in our lives.
Come join in the conversation HERE, would you? And while you’re there, stick around and check out the amazing videos and articles sharing a variety of important topics for women. VProud offers a wealth of information and interesting insights on various issues and ideas. You will LOVE. IT.
I used to struggle, but now I can (thank God!). This is really helpful. Most people get too exhausted or stressed because they can’t say no to others and in return, they keep saying no to themselves.
I love that Lux… “They keep saying no to themselves.” That is such a great point!
Wonderful guest post and saying “No” is most definitely something I struggle with, as well. But love your thoughts and reminder here that we should say it more often. Now just need to practice that myself more often as well.
Janine, I love that you get this and I can see how your sweetness would lead you to saying “YES” more than you should, my friend. We can practice saying “No” together. 🙂
I can’t agree more on this with you Chris. Lovely article (could not find how to comment on VProud so doing it here).
Saying NO is tough. It always had a negative connotation. Or we tend to see NO has a negative word. When in fact NO is a way to love ourselves and care for our life, a way to say I MATTER.
When saying YES all the time we feel exhausted half way. And we don’t have energy for what’s important for us.
We, women, lile to control everything. We’d all want to be superwoman. When in fact we lose contact with our life when we keep saying YES, without even thinking whether this or that is OK.
It takes practice to say NO but it has the power to change our life. We count too.
Thank you for sharing your views on this subject. It’ll help many my friend. Stay well Chris.
Oh Marie! I absolutely LOVE your response to my post! Oh, how you shared such wisdom and truth.
It takes practice to say NO but it has the power to change our life. We count too. <-- YES to this and all of what you wrote, my friend. 🙂
Off to check it out:)!
Thanks so much Allie! 🙂
I really like this part, Chris: “But with more clarity, we may realize saying no is in fact a bold declaration that we cannot meet the needs of everything and everyone. It’s a clear commitment to discerning how we spend our valuable time. It’s wisdom revealing itself and strength rising up in the power of our answer.” Fist pump to that!
You know when I was editing it, I re-read that a few more times because its truth just seemed so inspiring to me! I really like that part too. :)Thanks so much for reading it my friend!
I think sometimes a constant stream of Yes is a symptom of pride. Like in a “Watch me do this!” sort of thing. Like other forms of pride, it only serves to alienate others and we burden ourselves with more demands. Saying no to things we know we could do allows others the opportunity to contribute, too.
Now that’s an interesting insight, Andrea. There is truth to that! I also believe that if we continue in that prideful arrogance with saying yes to the point of extreme exhaustion, then we are surely not aware of our own needs. It’s like a detachment with neglect in taking care of ourselves for the sake of ‘taking it all on’. It presents as a form of deterioration in truly knowing and understanding who we are… ultimately resulting in self harm. Ya know? I am actually always so inspired when a woman I know is able to clearly express her needs or is able to say no to an ask with confidence and awareness of her own balancing act. They are such role models for me!
Back in 2009 when my husband was gone on deployment, I had stopped working a 9 to 5 I thought I had plenty of time on my hands. I was in school but I still thought I had time on my hands. In a very short time I was terribly overwhelmed. I remember being in a women’s bible study group that went on a 10:00 am (because I had time) and crying one evening over the bible study homework with everything else I had to do. I had to look at how I got to the point of crying over bible study homework. Now I saw no all the time. Sometimes I say, “Let me get back to you on that.” I’m going to have to use that nice way of saying no you put it your article. 😉 A lot of time my no turns into a yes but I always say no first and take the time to process whether or not I can really do it.
OH Kenya, you share such a typical story of how we women take on too much thinking we have ALL SORTS of time! Girl, I have BEEN THERE! I think I really need to contemplate your approach of saying ‘no’ or ‘let me get back to you on that’ first… then thinking it through. You’re a wise woman!! 🙂
Someone called me “Super Mom” the other day and God as my witness if I DID have laser eyes, I would have melted them on the spot. Because, um No. First of all, as you say, no one can do it all. Or at least do it all WELL. Secondly, that’s not the goal, the reason, the motivation, or the purpose behind any of my “yes.” I have no problem saying “no” any more simply because I have looked to make the Yes more intentional. I’ve tried to put myself in the places and situations where I can truly serve. It’s not trying to be “Super” anything — I say: I’m simply living my gifts. I have them for a reason. And if you need me for an area that is not within that frame, it will be a No Thank You.
Admittedly, last week was a crazy insane time where 3 of my Yes just happened to all fall on time of one another, and it was stressful and at the time didn’t feel much like a gift at all! But, that’s just how life unfolds some times. So this week, if you be calling me? Um, No. ha
“Living my gifts” <---- OH how I love that, Leslie. Just beautiful!! I just love your perspective on this my friend. 🙂
Boy do we ever need to learn that word NO! I love the idea of not being frantic, and sometimes a YES causes frantic lives! I will never forget my son loving that word NO as a toddler! We need to learn from the children, don’t we!
I couldn’t figure out how to comment there (too early in the morning at 10:00am?) so now I’m back! I go through “yes” periods and I love them. I go through “no” periods and I love them too, for different reasons. What I need to learn is some balance – it’s ok to say both!
XOXO!
OH T- you are such a LOVE to come back and comment!! It IS so hard to comment over there! I haven’t figure out the site despite being published on it now. LOL 10:00am can absolutely be too early! 🙂