When I was growing up back in the 70’s and 80’s, I didn’t have any personal relationships with adults. Back then, adults and children seemed to live in two different realms. There was a perpetual solid boundary line that conveyed the message of separation. Parents remained behind the barriers of their own kid-free areas, while the kids were expected to occupy themselves away from them.
I think back to all the time I spent at my house and other friends’ houses, while the parents were quietly sitting in the formal living room while we tiptoed by, knowing full well that we were not to disturb them. I remember scenes of dads sitting in a separate room in lazy boy chairs, with a newspaper in hand while watching the tv, while moms worked in the kitchen preparing dinner. I have no memory of actually spending time with any of my friend’s parents, and I’m certain none of them had befriended mine. The culture of my childhood prevented quality communication between the two generations. We were not to bother the parents while we played. Our territory was in another place- away from them.
Growing up was so very different than today.
That constant divide between kids and parents, seemed quite normal to us kids. We didn’t long for anything more, because we didn’t know any better. Perhaps this environment was unique to general upbringing among other communities. Maybe it was just in our upper class suburban circles that solely founded this formality. Maybe not. I can’t say for sure.
All I can remember, was a strong divide between adults and kids. The only conversations I remember having with adults, usually began with, “Can I please… Mrs. Johnson,” and ended with a “Thank you for… Mrs. Johnson.” The interactions were short, awkward, intimidating and formal. I don’t ever recall actually having a full heart-to-heart conversation with an adult about personal thoughts or feelings. There seemed to be no interest or engagement on either side- that was simply understood as the norm. The definitive hierarchy and authority was set with the precedent that the adults lived in a different world than us kids… and we were not allowed to step in it.
We stayed on our turf, and they remained on theirs. No lines crossed, no deep relationships formed.
Perhaps I was raised in what some people deem- ‘old school conservative’ parenting, where there were no blurry lines of casual talks or group gatherings that filled the room with mixed company.
As I age and parent my own kids, I have become increasingly aware of the significance of those times. I’ve been reminded of this detached upbringing as I naturally continue to change the scenery with quite the opposite. I simply can’t have children around me, without wanting to know them, interact with them, play with them, and engage with them in a variety of ways. Maybe it was my line of work, as a therapist, a teacher, or youth leader… but I would guess it wasn’t just my profession. I see it everywhere now…
That generational gap is gone.
These connections have changed the parenting landscape for the better.
Adults connect with kids all the time, as families and friends come together for events and parties and activities. There is no concrete line that marks the two territories. It’s a rather blurry chaotic beautiful mess. Play dates are integrated, as kids often feel completely comfortable hanging with the adults and vice versa. I see adults forming trusted relationships with other kids, as I too have been able to open my home and my heart to many kids that have crossed my path, through other friends, parents or ministries.
As the kids get older, they may want their own time away from the adults. But the invitation seems to always be assumed. And the adults could stand to have some of their own time without kids too. It happens. But I still have older teens and twenty somethings reaching out to connect with me for guidance, help or simply time together. It’s rather lovely.
Each year, I discover that I have purposefully broken that barrier and created an open door for many kids to step through to my side. I absolutely love it when my kid’s friends seek me out to talk about difficult matters, or share exciting news. I want my children and their friends to always feel welcome to engage with me, and I pray it continues. I have felt compelled to step over into their territory or invite them into mine, over and over again.
Cultivating this integration is critical for our children, for so many reasons.
Because I grew up without those intimate relationships with adults, I didn’t have the opportunity to understand much about who they really were, or learn from their insights and perspective. My limited view caused me to believe that their timeline began as I saw them: Grown up. They had no history to me, because they didn’t share it. Their lives never had an impact on me, because I was never offered the opportunity to discover any life lessons they may have taught me. My friends and I were on our own. I don’t remember one adult hanging with us in my girlfriends’ bedrooms, or playing with us in the backyards all around town. We surely could have used a fun and friendly adult to step in and guide us through those years. We had to answer our own questions about life and all the gory details of it all. I wonder how differently it would have been, if we had opened those borders.
As I experience the freely shared personal stories of many kids and young adults that share their lives with me, I find myself wanting to open my own timeline and perspective for them to view. I want to invite them into interactions that may be helpful in guiding them toward creating their own path. Perhaps my history and my perspective may teach them a thing or two, or at least offer them some new insights or answers to those same questions I once wondered about.
I want them to realize that the decisions they make in their young years, will truly outline the rings on their own tree trunk- never to be forgotten. I want them to realize that they too, will make markings on their own course, each day they face difficult circumstances and celebrate personal victories.
I believe our kids need to see how we were once children too. There is significance in that truth, and opening up their peripheral vision to see beyond their years- may in fact be a valuable experience. It expands their compass, and enlightens their awareness…
To know that we adults have a history, and they can learn from it.
Surely there are appropriate boundaries that must be considered in these adult-child relationships, and I have witnessed the pendulum swing a bit too far. There needs to be clear authority outlined within our engagement. The roles between adult and child are solidified in respect, but shouldn’t be bound in complete segregation. If we are careful to discern what we share, the adult-child communication can be quite beneficial for us all.
I know I have found great joy in allowing this boundary to break. Dance parties with kids, talking about boyfriends/girlfriends, sorting through peer conflicts, navigating around hard choices and playing games with genuine laughter and excitement are the great opportunities our parents missed out on…
I’m sure they had their fun with their adult friends though- Sometimes, that cocktail party without the kids under foot sounds heavenly.
But I’ll take the messy madness of it all any day.
I am so with you and will take the messy madness of these relationships with my kids any day now! Beautifully said and the generation gap is most definitely a thing of the past for parents and kids (both) nowadays.
Very well written! Can you imagine what it was like in my generation???? When I started my periods my mom said I must have spilled my strawberries! My friend’s older sister filled the void. I do not remember a time when my mother hugged me!
I hope you remember the hugs I gave you. And you had a close relationship with Mr. Warwick. Thank God! Unfortunately your father also kept his distance, physically and emotionally.
I see the changes and am happy for them. I do believe strongly in the fine-line you talk about.
Oh Mom! I CANNOT imagine that at all… And looking back with your generation, you touched on something profound. Each generation seems to have filled in that gap even more. 🙂 I’m glad for that. And yes, of course I remember your hugs. And I remember some cherished golden moments with dad, where I felt like his favorite! I hold on to those memories tight.
I thought of Mr. Warwick while writing this! Although he was a pivotal part of my new-found faith, we never talked about anything else. 🙁 But still, I was gifted with that life-changing relationship.
My dad was great about playing with and talking to his children, but I know this was often not the case with his generation. I loved hearing Dad’s stories about his boyhood in Idaho, about the very difficult journeys or really great adventures he had. I loved hearing my parents reminisce about their early romance. Because of my appreciation of all that they shared, I talk quite often to my kids about my childhood. They know the names of many of our pets! And I, too, love interacting with children and sharing my view with them. They may not agree, but I hope my experience shared will give them a wider perspective.
Stories were made to be shared between generations, as you point out so beautifully. We learn from each other, and our world is expanded.
It’s so different now, isn’t it? Just yesterday I took Audrey with me to see The Intern (we’re on break), and we walked around after and talked. Really talked. It was a grown up movie, but nothing she couldn’t see. Yet it sparked a grown-up conversation and it was amazing – something I never had with my mom (although we did go to the movies together, a lot). Just so long as she knows I’m her mom – not her friend:)!
Chris, this was such an interesting topic to write about! From my own childhood experience, I agree with you regarding other people’s parents, who mostly didn’t interact with us, except for a few special moms, including my own. I have wonderful memories of my friends coming over and hanging out at the kitchen table with me and my mom and we’d sit around and talk about “stuff” – this mostly happened during my high school and college years and I even have one childhood friend who after my mom had passed away, said to me, “your mom treated us like adults and that’s what made her so cool.” It was such a nice compliment.
Hi Christine! I found you at Eli’s Blog and love your six words posted there- Find Joy in the rush. I’ve got a lotta kids, and a lotta rushing, and I’ll try to remember your thoughts. I love what you say here too. I’m glad that children and adults can interact more these days. I love coaching kids and engaging in conversation with them – they are so funny and insightful. But I also like to keep a clear boundary of respect, and sometimes that’s hard in our increasingly casual society. The best thing I’ve found is to keep the lines of communication open so that they know what I expect and what they can expect from me.
Have a great day!
Yeah this. Although my family was not quite so bad — there wasn’t an overwhelming “children should be seen and not heard, and also seen rarely” – I have many memories of time spent with significant adults in my earlier years. But I do know that was unique for the times.
But I certainly saw it in other families whose homes we’d visit. And from time to time a personal experience. And you know, it used to amaze me, that as I child when you were so often “ssshhh’d” away, that then you were also expected “well come give Auntie Mary a hug good-bye. what’s wrong with you child?! give her a hug – be polite” Um, you just spent 2 hours telling me to get out of your space, but now you want me in it? And to touch someone who I haven’t been given the chance to get to know in a real way? Um, no. do better.
As with anything else: I think adults need time to be with other adults, and children need time to be children — but there should definitely be plenty of meeting in the middle!!
Hi Chris! You described how I grew up to a ‘t’. Parents were a mystery, and I didn’t care to figure them out. Remember spying on them at your friends house? Maybe I was a little curious after all!
Your sunny and inviting presence in your children’s lives is a breath of fresh air. It’s such a compliment to you that they respond so well, they can tell you really are interested in what they say, and what they feel. I know your children will learn this behavior from you, and so the same for their own children too.
Oh yes, messy all the way!
Blessings,
Ceil
Glad I read this one sister. It is exactly why teaching high school English for 31 years is still rewarding. I am passionate about fulfilling the needs of these young people’s minds…and opening up…sharing my human-ness with them. They need open minded listening adults to help guide them through this oh so changing world…
Very interesting. My parents were both teachers at my high school, so when I had friends over, they felt they needed to “maintain their authority.” There was not “hanging out” with my parents or with my friends’ parents. Now that I have kids, I have to say I don’t really have relationships with their friends. I know them & they know me, but we don’t talk much or hang out. You’ve given me something to think about.
It is a great time to live, is it not? My son has asked me to delay my visit to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving with him and his sister. His roomies are going away for Thanksgiving and he wants me to be there when they are! So I’m going a week late. Love that he would think of me and want me there.
I actually don’t remember it very well when I was very young, but somewhere along the line – my parent’s friends are the ones I think of through everything. They came to my wedding. They are my Facebook friends. We’re on first name basis, these days, anyway.
I so wonder how it will be with my kids. Scarlet still sort of shies away from her friend’s parents. I honestly don’t even know if she knows their names!
That’s true. We used to be like compartmentalized. Children can never enter the adult world and adults seem to not understand kids. As if they’ve never been kids once.
I think technology has helped bridge the gap in a way. And now we’re more aware of what communication can do. We’ve learned from our past and we don’t want history to repeat. 🙂
I’ve thought about this, too. I am so, so, SO happy it is gone. I could not imagine that being all there was to my relationship with my children. There was one mom in our neighborhood who we actually hung out with and talked with her…she found out what was going on in our world and laughed and goofed off with us. I bet she found out a lot that was going on that way. lol But I knew I wanted that with my kids and their friends. We were THAT house. We had a house full all the time, and I loved every minute of it. I’m super close to both my sons now, and they’re grown. It’s funny. I think they thought we were the norm. As they’ve gotten older, they realize how amazing our family tribe is. Intentional parenting. I just love that you observed this, Chris.
And I love that you also experienced this shift and YOUR intentional parenting brought your tribe intimately toward each other. THAT is what I wish for my family!! I will keep working on that very goal. I am inspired by your experience and your parenting, my friend. TRULY.