I jolt awake, look at the clock, and realize I pressed snooze too many times. I still have enough time to make this morning run smoothly. I can do this. We have our routine down to the minute over here. Seriously- down to the minute.
Pulling my heavy aching body out of bed to meander down the stairs, I start the coffee and begin making breakfast for the kids. I have the balancing act down: Fixing breakfast and finish packing lunches at the same time. It’s all about efficiency. It has to be.
I hear the kids putter down, groggy but happy, as they always seem to be. I’m often amazed at their peace in the morning, their ability to face each day with joy.
I don’t feel joy.
Instead, I’m scurrying to start the day, focused on the tasks at hand that must get done with diligent timing and utmost precision. I manage to greet them with smiles and hugs and be the mom they need me to be.
But I’m tired.
This motherhood job can be monotonous, mundane, exhausting.
And as I go through the motions of each of these tasks, secretly wishing I could be back in bed, I think to myself…
This house is warm and my food supply abundant. These kids I feed are healthy and thriving. Preparing them for their day is a gift I am able to offer my kids.
I should feel grateful, but I don’t.
I’m not up for feeling much about anything at the moment.
I’m just too tired.
But I can think thankful.
Oh, I can do that.
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It’s my fourth trip to pick up the kids at school. Four times a day. Every single day.
I sit in my car, idling in line, for what seems like an hour. It never gets easy, better, or comfortable. I’m secretly cussing out the stopped car in front of me not moving forward- obviously distracted with her phone. I find myself wishing I had lived far enough away for the bus to take them to and from school, but I shake my head at this ridiculous desire because I know this piece of our lives is really a privilege we all treasure. But after almost ten years of this gig, it gets old.
Monotonous, mundane, exhausting.
And as I continue this routine, day after day- rain, hail, sleet or snow…
I think about how blessed I am to have such great public schools for my kids to attend. I realize how wonderful it is to launch their day with morning prayers while driving to school, and greet my kids at the end of the day, receiving all the latest news firsthand.
What a blessing it is to be here for my kids, to be present in the moments that matter. What a gift it is to mother them through each and every pivotal turn in their day.
I should feel grateful, but I don’t.
I’m not up for feeling much about anything at the moment.
I’m just too tired.
But I can think thankful.
Oh, I can do that.
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Driving to the pharmacy late at night with my daughter, I’m annoyed at the inconvenience of the after-hours doctor appointment and the subsequent drive to pick up a prescription well past bedtime.
I didn’t plan this gaping hole in my schedule, and I am quietly scanning my mental “to do” list that I will need to accomplish when we get home. I wonder how much the meds will cost, and yet I realize how long it’s been that we have needed any medication for my child. For ten years, she was on several various medications for countless medical issues. Now? Nothing. She is well. Healthy. Strong.
Miraculously so.
I think through those blurry years of drowning in sickness and suffering through endless nights of panic and pain. I reflect on how hard it all was, and how hope was barely whispered at times.
Survival was our way of life. And now, after all the specialists, procedures, surgeries, and dubious amounts of medications-
My girl is utterly healthy. We are well.
I should feel grateful, but I don’t.
I’m not up for feeling much about anything at the moment.
I’m just too tired.
But I can think thankful.
Oh, I can do that.
**********************************
The day is over and it’s getting late, but the chores need to be done. After tackling the dirty dishes and going through the school papers, I hear the dryer go off and head downstairs to grab it before it cools into a wrinkled mess. I climb up the stairs with the heavy heap, wondering how this load could be so big. It seems I just did a bunch of loads yesterday, but there’s more. There’s always more.
I dump out the clothes as they fall on the couch and I begin once again, to sort and fold each piece while wishing I could be slouched on the couch with a good book instead. Surrounded by the vast array of soccer uniforms, football jerseys, swimsuits, and towels from the events of the weekend, I dig through the pile to pull out a pair of pants my son loves to wear, thinking I just folded these the other day. I shake them out and gently wipe away the ripples as I stretch my arms down the sides of the legs realizing how long they are and how big my boy has become. I catch my breath at the thought of how fast it’s all going. He’s gotten so big. He’s grown so fast. What an athlete that boy is, and I have watched him transform from a babe to a boy to a maturing young man.
I spot the bright colored swim club sweatshirt, my daughter has this passionate attachment to and I think about how many times she has come down with it on in the morning. Oh, how she loves what it stands for and how it defines a part of her vulnerable growing identity. She is at that age, where I know the solid ground she walks on could crack at any given moment. Adolescence does that. It marches toward the threat of emotional turmoil, wrong turns, and harmful options. It reveals the fragile parts of growing up that seem to suddenly prowl and prey on young victims of innocence. I worry and I wonder what the days, the years ahead will be like. And I lift up a quiet prayer for guidance and patience through it all.
I’m so proud of my kids. They are both hard-working, respectful, and compassionate souls.
I should feel grateful, but I don’t.
I’m not up for feeling much about anything at the moment.
I’m just too tired.
But I can think thankful.
Oh, I can do that.
********************************
The circle of any given day goes round and round… Caring for the kids.
No matter their ages. No matter their stages.
The diaper changes, the feeding frenzy, the dirty dishes, the mounds of laundry. The clutter, the clamor, the cleaning, and the caring enough to keep any form of consistent continuum amidst the chaos. The late nights, the all nights, the long days, and the hard talks. The homework, the carpools, the activities, the endless stream of doing. The lost items, the late arrivals, the hurry and scurry through the yelling and the tears. The sacrificial serving that goes beyond ourselves and into our children…
Requires deep discipline and devotion.
Motherhood- is often tedious, mundane, exhausting.
We should feel grateful, but we don’t.
We’re not up for feeling much about anything at the moment.
We’re all just too tired.
But we can THINK thankful.
Oh, mamas…
We can surely do that.
Chris, thank you for this beautiful and simply stated reminder that we as moms can do it even through all the long and crazy days as you I am tired, but still I do love my life and that does make it all worth it.
It makes it all worth it… Oh yes indeed it does! Some days I just don’t feel it. BUT I KNOW IT. 🙂
I am reading this as I drink my second cup of coffee. It’s still dark out! Monotonous, mundane, and exhausting. Too tired. Yes, Yes, yes. As for being thankful, I’m sure I am, but perhaps I will actually feel it around noon. But wait it’s Friday, so I may feel it earlier. No, I have a Cross Country pasta dinner to attend tonight – and I must be on the road by 6:30 a.m. tomorrow, because I volunteered to help at the regional meet. Too tired. Where is Calgon when I need it?
OH Allie! You are IN. IT. GIRL!! Keep thinking thankful, sweetie! And take that Calgon as soon as you get a few minutes to REST. 🙂
Think thankful. Yes. Two brilliant little words. Great job, Chris. Off to share.
Thanks SO much for reading and sharing and appreciating this Kelly! I am FEELING grateful for you right now. 🙂
Yes, yes we can be thankful and yes yes it’s hard. We’re tired. Our routine is also down to the minute! Four times at school – that sounds rough, sweets. I LOVE the school bus! Seriously love!
It’s a royal pain. It is. BUT- I can think about all the reasons why it’s good. SO I will MAKE myself think of them, while I idle in the line… 😉
I think we can all relate to this. Motherhood: the most exhausting yet rewarding, non-paying job you’ll ever have. ????
http://unveiledandrevealed.com
YUP. 🙂 Agreed of course!
“I should feel grateful, but I don’t.” Yup. Each morning is full of blessings and love, and yet, I feel miserable a lot during the morning! I’m also terribly sick right now and down on everything. It will pass.
When I’m sick, my entire attitude on life changes. It’s AWFUL. I hope you are better now, love! Oh, and I’m TOTALLY not a morning person.
I think even as a non-mom it’s easy to end up like this. Hubs and I have such busy lives, and often times I find myself too tired to do it all, too tired to be grateful for what is going on in our lives.
So I’ve gotten myself into a habit; whenever I feel too tired to feel grateful, I walk around our house – I look at the home that we own, which we never thought was possible, the house that literally fell into our laps. I look at the car we never thought we could afford, the kitchen that I’m madly in love with, the husband who cares for me and the three gorgeous furbabies. I might not feel thankful, but like you said, I can think it. And it reminds me how grateful I am for all these things I thought I would never have, that I have in abundance.
I’VE DONE THAT TOO!!! Seriously- like randomly walked around my house looking at all we have and soaking in the gratitude. LOVE that, Tabitha!
monotonous, mundane, exhausting – that’s exactly how I’m feeling now. Yes, I do feel thankful and I also feel bad that I should feel down when others do not have as much as I do! 🙁
OH Roshni- have I been THERE. How on earth could I grumble and groan when we have SO much and others have SO much LESS? Yeah. I get it. BUT- that just adds to the yuck. Instead we can turn it around and THINK THANKFUL.
Chris, as usual you are right. Think thankful. You always know how to uplift! I’m exhausted from traveling and yet tonight I went to watch our boys team play their first playoff game…a team I have no children on, but I have friends that do. And you know what, even though I am tired, it was a pleasure to watch these young men, some of whom I knew as little boys, play their hearts out and win the game in double overtime. Tomorrow I do it again with my own kids…my son’s xc team has their state meet and daughter has her first playoff game in the conference championship series, and while I am tired and not always grateful, I know how lucky I am that I do get to be there and see these things. I am thinking thankful right now!
Oh Michelle, that sounds exhausting! It’s a lot of that stuff these days, isn’t it? I’m so glad you came by to read this one- it seems it was good timing! Keep that thought life brewing with gratitude. You got this!
And here am I with kids all grown and gone. Wouldn’t I give ANYTHING to be where in life you Mamas are…but I will THINK thankful for having 4 beautiful adult women in my “resume”!!!
Aw! You know what? I hope when I am where YOU are at in my life, I can think about my own grown children and have peace that they are both doing just fine. MORE than just fine, really. That they have become remarkable adults. Your resume looks pretty good, mom. 🙂
Christine, this is a lovely and remarkable post! It was a joy to read… Sometimes gratitude is inferred just by the fact that we keep going… Its not always something we are cognizant of but it IS there…
Oh thank you so much for coming by to read this, Ivy! I’m so grateful. And I love that perspective. Just love that. I’ll take it!
LOVE this, Chris! Motherhood is such a dichotomy. You’ve captured it here. 🙂 Happy Halloween.
Thanks so much for reading this, Lisa! I’m so glad you liked it. 🙂 I love that- it truly is a dichotomy. Exactly that.
So well put. oh, how clearly I remember all that time in the van and the endless mountains of laundry. The shame of it is how–as you say–the sheer grind of it makes us too tired to appreciate the gift of it. That is why the mindfulness, the remembering to “think thankful” is so essential.
Exactly May. You said that so perfectly!
Oh Kitty. I do love, love, LOVE you, and I’m so sad to hear that you’re not up for feeling much of anything right now. Me neither. It’s that kind of a week or month or something. But I love you. I feel that.
Keep thinking thankful, darling.
And have some lines.
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(six is one for each school journey, and two spare)
I’ve taken your lines a lot lately, Faves. I have needed them. And I will ALWAYS be able to feel LOVE-ForYOU. Love like that never disappears. <3
Thank you for this, Chris! It’s such an encouragement to read the words of another Mom as if she could hear the thoughts in our own head! We are right there with you sister, thinking thankful and deep down crazy grateful for our sweet blessings xoxo
Aw that makes me feel so comforted to know other moms experience the same thoughts and oh yes oh yes- ‘deep down crazy grateful for our sweet blessings’!
I felt this way a lot more when the kids were little. The days seemed endless sometimes. Now, not so much. When you have a 17 year old child, who will be leaving you in only one year, it puts things in perspective. The realization that this part of your life is speeding by hits hard, and you appreciate every day that much more. Especially when three more kids are hot on the heels of the oldest. In 5 short years, we will only have 2 kids at home. The days are no longer endless. They go by like a speeding bullet. I’m thankful for every minute of every day I get to spend with my kids.
Oh, and I don’t think I’ve ever taken a load of laundry out of the dryer when the timer goes off. 🙂
HA! Do you know I RARELY EVER get to the clothes right after the timer goes off! I swear I can’t tell you how many times I ‘fluff’… over and over again!
I love your reality check. Thank you for that profound perspective Christine. I needed it.
When you’re lying in bed in the morning, knowing you need to get up or getting out of the house is going to be that much worse, and you’re planning when you might be able to sneak in a nap, that’s Mom Tired. It does get a little better when they can drive themselves to school and activities, but you add a new element of worry when that happens.
Girl, you KNOW IT. Mom Tired. I love that. 🙂
Love, Love, Love! It’s like you are in my head- or maybe just in the head of every mother. I am grateful, but mostly I’m just tired and burned out and overwhelmed. In the midst of all that, I forget the grateful. Thanks for the reminder. XOXO
It’s so easy to do when you are overwhelmed and tired! It’s really like any other habit I suppose. The more you do it the easier it gets. It can be your ‘go to’ thoughts while you are doing all those tedious tasks! It helps. SO much! Hang in there friend. I know you are totally on overload. <3
Wonderful post. States exactly what I feel. So hard to find that joy. I had it once. Every morning I looked forward to getting up and taking care of the babies. Then things got too exhausting. Too tired. I can so relate. Good luck on finding the joy.
I really think it happens to us all, CeCe. Hang in there mama… I SO get it. But tired as you may be, you can still set your thoughts on all the things to be grateful for. It’s hard, and just like I said- you may not feel that joy or gratitude. But it really helps. That is what I found through the years!
Hi Chris! Sometimes the continued drumbeat of motherhood leaves us just cold. Not warm, not thankful or cheerful…just numb. It is a lot of work, and it never seems to end. But at least you see what should bring joy, and I bet about two minutes after you wrote this post, the joy started to seep in. Maybe flood?
I just got back from the baptism of my little grandson, and let me tell you, the look in my daughter’s eyes when we left would break your heart. She has three children, three and under. And a full time job. That girl is TIRED. I don’t know how much thankfulness she had right then, but I know that she thanks God a lot for all she has. Just like you do. It’s just that some days are flat-out crazy, and we all forget to be thankful…
Blessings,
Ceil
Hey Ceil, perhaps your precious daughter needs to read this post too! I remember those really exhausting days… blurry and functioning. I wrote this post for ALL the moms out there, because really no matter what season we are in, there is the mundane, tedious, exhausting stuff we do to care for them that doesn’t bring us the inspiration to feel much of anything. If we can create a habit of this thought process, it helps! I speak from experience. LOL
Absolutely, but the act of thinking grateful leads to feeling thankful. Lack of sleep is a serious challenge. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The exhaustion diminishes eventually.
That is exactly right, Kristi! It DOES lead to feeling thankful! I honestly was going to write that- but then I thought… neh. Lets focus on our THOUGHT LIFE first. And what comes next comes naturally for themselves. AND for myself! 🙂
I cannot remember waking up excited to start my day. It’s been too long Chris. I grumble and complain about the things that needs to be done. Work and chores plus the blog. I FORGET that these things allow me and my family to live our lives, slowly inching us to our dreams. I AM THANKFUL. Tired and cranky but totally thankful. 🙂 Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
And I love your honesty, Jhanis. Bless your hard working tired mama heart! Girl- I get it. 🙂
Yes. I can think thankful. Your posts often read like prayers to me, Chris, and I so appreciate that.
I can think thankful. I can surely do that. xoxo
Oh Dana… When I first read your comment, it literally caught my breath. And it does so again now. Thank you, my friend. SO much. Oh, how I love that they speak to you like that. XOXO
But I can think thankful. Oh, yes! The Lord has been hitting me over the head in my quiet times lately to simply call out to him when things go wrong, even thoughts. I am thankful for that nudge and for the privilege!
Oh Katy, how I love SO many things about that! First that you are quiet enough to listen (Sometimes hard for me!) and second that you are obedient to His Nudge, and third? You are THANKFUL and call it a PRIVILEGE!!
I would really love you to guest post over here… Just sayin’. 😉
Awesome, awesome, awesome. How many times have I passed over gratefulness for what I have in order to complain about what I don’t? So many. This was so well written. Thank you for speaking to my heart. xo
I just LOVE that this spoke to you, Andrea. Your response to this one means SO much to me! 🙂 I remind myself ALL the time to think thankful. It becomes a habit really. I have some not so good habits, but this one? I like. 😉
I can certainly remember days and nights of just exhaustion, but I can also remember talks with kids in the car after picking them up from an after-school activity or talks with them at dinner, or at bedtime. I loved hearing about their day at school, their feelings about life, etc. In retrospect, the years flew by quickly and in the process taught me so much. Now mothering is a little different for me. Sometimes I feel as though I am the one be mothered, by loving and caring grown children, yet I’m still doing some mothering at the other end of life when have opportunities to mother my own very elderly mother. To mother is a role given to all women, whether they have children of their own or not.
Yes Pat- what a beautiful way you described the generational love of motherhood. I also agree that “mother is role given to all women, whether they have children of their own or not.” So well said. Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
You and I are on the same wave length today! My mantra has been “think happy thoughts” and some days, when I hold the happy thought – I actually do feel like I can fly!
Our minds have a powerful mission, if we can steer them in the right direction! Fly girl! FLY!
Yes…it’s so easy to become wrapped up in life that you fail to appreciate it. I’m thankful you reminded me today.
It truly is. Especially during all those hours of ‘functioning’ when you become ‘numb’… My thought life has power over that, if I choose to be mindful of gratitude! 🙂
Thinking thankful is most definetely the first step.
That’s exactly my message, Erin. I know you get it! 🙂
This was beautiful and beautifully stated. Sharing.
Thank you so so much, Kerry!