Twisted, Tangled, Tied and Trapped
This season of summer is supposed to be filled with joy and the ever-present sunshine that radiates gladness and fun and free flowing schedules and days full of relaxation and rest. And yet, this season I have been running myself around a slowly dissolving well with constant doing and giving and serving… which has left my tank drained of nourishing water from which to drink in and get my fill.
It happens.
Although I thrive on giving and serving and doing, the very act has somehow led me to this place of dried up twisted, tangled, tied and trapped barricade of existence. Oh, there are flickers of light and love and hope and joy that somehow illuminate even the hard medal parts of me, but I want my fire back. I want my heart to be once again full of life and vitality and a voracious appetite for all that I am passionate about and all that I find worthy of tending to.
But I’m tired.
And that’s okay.
I know myself well enough to realize this isn’t the end of all I can do and all I can be and all I can dream. I know that this piece of my path is set aside for restoring and replenishing my vessel of goodness and gladness and giving. I have to understand and accept that I can’t do it all- and give it all- all of the time. And with that truth, comes the ever-present need to search for my stream and soak in the fresh waters of prayer, rest, processing, reflecting, and letting go. It’s time to lie down in the green pastures of peace, where I can just be.
And although it’s not in my nature to ever lower my expectations, there is a time and a place for being selfish. Self centered. Perhaps giving to myself the compassion and grace and tender care that I give to others. Wrapping myself up in my cocoon to recharge and untwist those mangled branches that have slowly wrapped around barren bars. When branches start to suffocate the vitality of our existence, it’s time to breath fresh air back into them in order to once again rise with new vigor and verve!
So many of us have a plate so full, we can barely breathe. The giving, doing, serving… can lead us to the end of ourselves if we don’t allow some of that back in. It’s the typical ailment many of us endure…
And some never stop to get their fill. And many may become strangled in the emptiness. Sometimes we don’t feel that we can afford to replenish our weary and worn places.
But we must.
We must make sacrifices in order to tend to our needs, or we wind up like this tree…
Twisted, tangled, tied, and trapped around cold unwavering medal. Who wants to live like that?
I know and believe my purpose for living and the richness of all I do is significant and beautiful in God’s Eyes. And I will continue to be who I am, because I know no other way of living. I want the abundance of it all, the depth of this life is worth the fatigue.
But for now? I can aim low. Pace myself according to my needs. Allow myself to rest, recover, and replenish and eventually restore my spirit and fill my heart back up to give. I will take more time to soak in His Goodness and be drenched in quiet moments- and try as much as I can to fight the ongoing pressures that ensue as I claim my need to simply replenish the well.
So please excuse me, while my God makes me lie down in green pastures, and leads me beside quiet waters…
He has some soul refreshing to do.
Psalm 23:2-3
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
Chris, you said exactly what I have been feeling and thinking. IT was just the weekend and I was supposed to relax and rest up, but still here I am Monday morning more tired then when Friday evening began. I am with you on wanting to recharge a bit and think it might just be in order. Thanks for sharing and letting me know it isn’t just me! Hugs 🙂
Isn’t that just the hardest thing Janine? I thought I would be able to embrace the quiet and filling time for me to replenish, and yet? It doesn’t really happen. Sigh…
Lets try again, shall we? 🙂
You and me girl… lets find a way!!
(Love you so so much!)
This is more important than any of us know.Well, not know – we know, we just don’t remember. Or choose not to remember. You understand what I mean – it’s the mom guilt thing. We somehow feel like we have this standard to measure up to – usually self-imposed – and if we don’t, then we jump to how we fail. But we don’t. We just need to be more forgiving of ourselves and understand that it is OK to need time for ourselves. I wish you peace, dear friend!
Oh, how you are so right Lisa. Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement. 🙂
T’isn’t aiming low if it’s necessary and needed and right for now, though, is it?
It feels low at times, because I expect so much more… the need is so great!! I love you. Thank you for helping me ease the burden, lovely. You always have a way with doing that. 🙂
Ah but are your expectations reasonable, Kitty? Would you expect them of another person? Would you expect them of me, and beat me up if I didn’t meet your standards?
It’s another way of doing it – you go high and I go low, but it’s all a way to undermine and attack the self and the esteem and confirm that we’re not enough, innit :p
Don’t think I didn’t notice that sneaking in.
“I know and believe my purpose for living and the richness of all I do is significant and beautiful in God’s Eyes. And I will continue to be who I am, because I know no other way of living. I want the abundance of it all, the depth of this life is worth the fatigue.”
That statement is so powerful and true.
If we are following God’s lead and fulfilling His purpose for our lives, He will give us rest for any fatigue that we may feel or experience.
AMEN to THAT Jay! Thank you for your beautiful comment and support. Your words are such an encouragement to me…
Are we twins? I’m so there right now.
I’ve been a little amiss in everything I do, but not so much in the greener pastures/cuddling with kids area.
Summer is usually my respite and this summer is heavy and humid and I can’t shake it.
I know it’s not the end of anything, more like the beginning.
Can we be twins? Please? Lets go with YOUR birthday, mkay? LOL
I know you have had such a hard and quite emotional season, love. I always feel more exhausted from ‘heart exercise’ than physical exercise… ya know?
But as with both- comes strength!! (Blooming beauty)
love flowing from Minnesota for you, sweet servant, Chris <3
I pray this every. single. night:
***He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.***
XXXXXXXXXXXXX KISSSSSSSSSS
I love that you pray this every night, my beloved friend!!! Oh, how I just love that.
Praying you’re still smelling the flowers… and everything else under the Son.
Oh, Chris – I so feel you on this. I am not nearly as giving as you but I’m tapped – 100%!! Thank you for the reminder of the verse and the need to lie down and refresh our souls occasionally!!!
We need to schedule it for ourselves- us busy B’s!!! Ya know? I know you run like crazy too… (both literally and figuratively!!) I think women like us tend to push to the end of ourselves naturally. So we need to be more intentional with it. 🙂
Praying you can find some soul refreshing time my friend!!! Lord knows we both need it!! (Like really… LORD KNOWS! lol)
I have been doing a horrible job of refilling me. In fact, I’ve been very angry with myself for not having and being enough. Like really angry and well. I’ve been sad with myself because I just have not remembered that sometimes, it’s okay to sit down, and be. To refresh.
And huh – look what just happened. You are saying that you are tapped, and yet, I come here, and feel refreshed. I hope that you do, as well.
Oh Kristi!! What a love you are!! I’m SO glad this post encouraged you in some way. And girl, I hear ya. The needs are many- the hours are few. It’s a constant struggle to stop and refuel ourselves. Praying you stop. FORCE the time for YOU. Even if it’s just a little bit to start. I have been having small increments of limit setting- and that has helped. Find those loopholes to embrace somewhere, mkay?
Stunningly beautiful, and you perfectly captured the way so many of us feel. That something has to give moment that we have where we just say enough. I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time I have allowed myself to just be this summer, and it has been a gift. So I encourage you to feel the same way my friend. You deserve it. :)-Ashley
Oh Ashley!! I am SO happy that you have had a summer full of such a healthy intention!! You are wise, my friend. Could you please send me a step by step manual for exactly how you do that? lol
ps: Thanks so much for sharing this piece. I am SO grateful for your support, my friend. Always.
You have to take a break occasionally and let others do their share. I think this burn out is one of the hardest things about volunteerism. I hope you get a good rest and have restored that fire for the fall!
Amen to that Joey!!! Praying through my decisions and how I can balance it all, and not get to the ‘end of myself’… rather make my calling fulfilling rather than draining. Volunteers are always at risk of giving to the point of emptiness. I’ve seen it happen over and over again.
Today? I am quietly filling my tank back up. Restoring and refreshing my soul. 🙂
I think you so get me.
“the end of me” – yep, that’s what I hit early this year. And I think I must have known, instinctively, that I had hit that wall and needed to go No Further. Crash inevitable. Because I am having the laziest summer on record. And the thing I felt bad about – was that I don’t feel bad about it. But I think that just tells me how far I had gone done the path of “the glorification of busy.”
I don’t like the path.
it’s dirty and dusty and hard to breathe. it twists and turns, and I gotta say: the views ain’t great.
I like this path. It’s a peaceful one. And I found ME on it.
(of course HE — well He is always there)
OH Leslie!!! How I absolutely LOVE that you chose the better path!!! I am THRILLED you have been living in the glorious light of peace and blessings of true abundance. Friend- I am so glad you have embraced such beauty this summer.
No dirt and dust to breathe… and I am betting the view is MAGNIFICENT. 🙂
I think it’s such a gift to be so introspective and recognize when you need to refresh yourself and regroup. So many of us need to learn how to do this…it’s wonderful you’ve figured it out.
I know exactly when my fuel is getting low… and the sign is flashing. I also struggle to heed the warning when there are so many needs all around me! I am learning more and more when I need to set limits and honestly? That means letting people down. THAT’S the hard part. But… I must. And then I pray for Grace in not giving.
We all deserve to rest and take care of ourselves. I don’t think that’s selfish at all. When we can love and appreciate ourselves, we can better serve others. Don’t ya think? Enjoy those green pastures!
Ah Jen… you said it perfectly my friend. Today I have the entire day (until four) all BY MYSELF. I am basking in the quiet moments of solitude. Just what I needed. Well, actually I could use maybe one or two more. But hey… 😉
Chris, you wrote: “Perhaps giving to myself the compassion and grace and tender care that I give to others.”
I’d leave out the perhaps!
Course it’s easy for me to say that, but I can relate to what you describe here, and recently got exhausted and emotional on a trip to family. I was doing too much of what others wanted and not taking time for what I needed. The good thing is I learned from it, and from then on took the time I needed to journal – which is what keeps me centered. I even wrote a post about how we can recharge only last week, if you are interested take a look!
I LOVED your piece Yvonne!!! Thank you so much for sharing it, my friend!!!
I’m trying to take out the “perhaps”… 🙂
We need these times of refreshing. Take this time for yourself, Chris, and don’t feel guilty. Enjoy this time. Just as you give to others, give this to yourself and find rest and rejuvenation in it. We all should do this.
Today- I am ALL alone ALL DAY!!! Basking in it… taking in the silent solace. Ahh…
Thank you my friend.
I need some refreshing too. I’ve let my writing and blogging go this summer, and I’ve struggled with that. But something had to give, and I wasn’t willing to let it be me or my family. Take care of yourself Chris!
You are a WISE woman, Dana!! Good for you, for making a tough but smart decision. Embrace it my friend! Blogging will always be there waiting for ya… 🙂
Trust me when I say I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m so glad you recognize that you need to take a step back. It’s so okay to let go of some commitments and trust that someone w/ more energy will pick up the slack. Please recharge, take time off, have a weekend w/ the hubs, come visit me, do what you need to do to allow your spirit to rest. oxoxo
I’d gladly sit at your bonfire and embrace your beautiful back yard vacation any day!! 🙂
Yes- trying to discern as I go- because there never really is a way to shut down completely. But there are avenues I can take that allow myself to say ‘no’ and take that time for me. I am practicing that as best I can!!
While it’s a great thing to serve, we have to remember that sometimes we need to take a step back and take care of ourselves or we won’t have anything to give.
Yes yes yes… I am trying to filter through the demands, and place myself in only what is necessary right now. Thanks Shell. XO