Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit stuck. Anxiously wondering about my role, my purpose, my place in this world. Maybe a bit bored, uninspired, weary of the same ol’ and definitely frustrated with my inability to push forward to something new, something more, something significant that transforms my life to the next level of living. I’ve been holding out hope, holding onto hope, and letting go of hope… over and over again- and it’s exhausting! Wanting so badly to fulfill whatever it is that I am called to do, but coming up against blocks and barricades and even blank stares into space revealing that ever elusive goal that seems blurry and buried.
The mundane monotonous cycle of life continues on with the wheels churning out breakfasts, lunches, dinners, laundry, rides to school and back, homework, sports, family, events and ministries etc…etc …etc.
It’s all so very good. I surely can’t complain. I often ask myself, “How dare I even wish for more, when I have so much!?”
I am fully aware of the incredible life I have, the significant blessings I hold, and the immeasurable love I have the privilege of feeling for many.
But I want more…
Life is leaving me vacant of inspiration, and I find myself filled with angst and questioning and wrestling with my next ‘move’ toward whatever it is that God wants me to do.
And really? I have no idea.
What then?
I go through these moments of defining my dream, or peering into my desires, or clarifying my momentum with intentional decisions and assurance in continuing the not-so-clear course.
I stir.
Unsettled and leery of where I am to be and what I am to do.
So I go where I always go…
Back to God.
And I pray pray pray.
And I listen listen listen.
And I walk away empty and defeated because I don’t get the answer, the revelation that I need.
Have you been there?
It kinda sucks, doesn’t it?
Sometimes, waiting is the hardest part of God’s Plan.
Well, let me tell you what happened next.
I was outside, on a glorious morning with radiating sunshine and crisp fall air-
Praying and feeling that zilch, that zing, that pressing pressure in my desperate plea…
“What NOW, Lord?”
And then it happened.
I can’t tell you for sure if it was a bolt of lightning, or a sudden convicting whisper… but it felt much like the bolt. It spoke to me with that fierce illuminating power and cracked open a part of me that needed to be broken and stitched back up again with new threads. Funny how those bolts come in whispers.
God’s really good at that, isn’t He?
Yeah.
He put me back in my place… but with a completely different perspective.
“Why the urgency? STOP the urgency. Find joy in THIS place I have given to you. The rest will come, when it is supposed to.”
Huh.
Now in all fairness, I really do find joy and meaning and gratitude in many places I stand in my life. I’m betting you do too.
But honestly?
He nailed it.
“Urgency. Why the urgency?”
What the heck is my hurry? Why do I have to be so anxious about my next move? Don’t I trust that whatever it is, He is equipping me for it now? Haven’t I learned from God time and time again, that we cannot pursue a passion, without a season of preparing for the call? And here’s the kicker for me…
I may think I’m ready, but only God knows when I am. His timing is perfect. Not mine. It’s humbling to realize that I may very well not be ready at all, much less even clearly understand my call. From his view, He sees exactly what is to come, and shakes His Almighty head with dismay, as I shake my fists to the wind and cry out, “NOW!!
Good gravy, He must get tired of my immature and selfish ways.
After my “bolt-whisper”, I immediately felt this new peace come over me as it filled my anxious wondering and antsy worrying with such truth.
Seriously.
It changed everything.
Since then, my days have been spent embracing the joy in the moments of now, while steadily pacing my way through one decision at a time…
Letting go of the angst, the worry, the fretting, the exasperation of not knowing.
It’s quite liberating really.
Now don’t misunderstand. I’m surely still yearning for more. I think we all need to have hopes and dreams and aspirations for our lives, our future, our passions.
I’m just not unsettled anymore.
I guess the race I began, clearly wasn’t supposed to be a race after all.
When you are a type A, nonstop go go go kinda gal…
That’s a hard bite to swallow, yes?
So I wait, without the wringing of hands and the worry marks on my forehead. And I go forward with intentional steps that may see no outcome.
And that’s okay. I’m going to trust the evidence will come.
Each step, each moment lived in the now must be preparing me and equipping me for His plan.
In time.
In perfect time.
So while I keep busy in my have to dos, and my choose to dos, and the cycle that throws me round and round over and over again…
I will trust that God is preparing for me the path and building the bridges for me to cross toward where He wants me to go. I’ll stop fretting about it all, and find comfort in knowing there is purpose in this wait. There is always purpose in the wait.
Are you waiting? Antsy? Worried? Wondering?
Maybe this whisper may be a lightning bolt to you too.
“Find joy in THIS place I have given to you.” Yes, Chris! I needed to hear this today.
I’m SO glad you came by to read this, Katy! I need to be reminded of that charge every day. Some days are easier, others much harder. There is so so so much joy I take for granted in THIS place. Working on it… Sigh.
I am so not a patient person by nature, but oh how I needed this reminder here today for sure. So, thanks for that and so much more always, Chris 😉
I am horribly impatient!! It’s awful really. On a large scale and small scale… and oh my, how God is working on me! Refining is tough. To. Take. lol
Wow, I read your “what happened next” line saying, “I can’t wait until I get an answer too and then saw the response to your plea and I said “really?” the same time you said “huh?” What an answer! I still want to hear it for myself though. And you know that is exactly the response we aren’t listening for. I could have already been told.
Right? I know…. I KNOW!! But challenged we are… to find peace in this place. Sigh. Not in more. For now, anyway. But really, how exciting it is to trust that He is preparing us for something in the future? Lets trust that, okay? 🙂
Ahhh! I love your vulnerability and then going to sit in it to listen for God’s wisdom. That’s where He wants us, waiting listening for the call. Waiting. Waiting.. And yes, so hard, so hard, so hard to do when you so want to do His work, to be in the world engaged! I’m so there with you Christine..in fact this entire year has been about that for me. I took a long needed part-time break after making 2 documentaries back to back,..and wanted to work on new subjects, perhaps a career shift since it’s a new season of life for me..but boy I didn’t expect to land in a desert! I’ve thirsted, cried, navigated mounds of dryland and angst!! You sound like me so much..and then finally we realize we need to return to the feet of God who surely has plans for us.–in God’s time. The way I’m learning it is He is giving us rest, preparing us for something, pruning our branches, humbling us.. My staycation is all about relinquishing all my ideas, all my yearnings, all my tasks and plans..to clear out, to let things die, for new life. Take extra special time for soul care during this season of preparing the soil for planting new seeds God will surely reveal! Know I’m along side you, sometimes still struggling with the same sort of yearning. Your post was beautifully written!!
You inspire me, Kathy. Truly. I am taking your lead with this intentional staycation. I absolutely LOVED your post about it! I will refer to it often, as I try to nourish my soul and ignite my spirit in the coming weeks. THANK YOU for being such a blessing to my heart.
***I will trust that God is preparing for me the path and building the bridges for me to cross toward where He wants me to go.***
I. Get. It.
I pray for that path, direction, guidance, and MORE every single day.
I say, “GOD, I’m ready. USE ME. HUuuuuuuuuuuuuuRRY!!!”
xxxxx
YES!! I love love LOVE that, Kim! Almost as much as I love you. 🙂 He IS using you and yet, there will be SO much more ahead. I can feel it. Can you? Hold on tight, my love. You are a blazing fireball with a message that God NEEDS so many to hear!! Keep burning… keep burning strong!!!!
There’s no hurry Chris. So right. But it’s not always easy to wait. I can so relate to what you say in your lines. When you think you’re ready for the next phase, you want a sign, you wish to see where to go next, what to do next, right now…
But God has his own timing and his timing is best. We shall trust him always.
I have times like you when everything seem to bother me. I am in need of action, inspiration. And then something happens, a message is sent to me and realize that now is all that matters and that I should enjoy the moment before being able to move forward.
Thank you for the reminder. Your words are always like sugar to my soul.
Much love my friend. xoxo
OH Marie, your comments are like sugar to my soul! Thank you friend. For getting this, for your beautiful response and the love that oozes from your words. <3
No. Because I can no longer breathe here – I miss my people so desperately. I am suffocating. I had life for a few short weeks. I must come back. Soon.
I know, babe. I know… Hold on. It will come. Find peace in your place… you simply must. For now… and keep working toward that change. It’s going to come!
Oh yes. It’s like that Tom Petty song – The Waiting is the Hardest Part.
I get restless. I get wanting more. I get pretty much anything you ever say. Ever.
I love you. And I love that you get what I say. And I think you have arrived in so many ways, and the waiting is over in so many ways… and that THRILLS me more than you know!! Shine girl. SHINE!!
Remember the framed “Serenity Prayer” you gave me? That’s all there is for me…His Will, not mine, be done. But I do know I can’t sit in the rocking chair and wait. I have to do the next right thing. I have to do the action(s). And at my age, I have so much to do and so little time left to do it! I want to be near you, Chrissy, but, the actions are difficult and slow and God may have another plan. I do know G0d is all about Love and Happiness and I am okay waiting. I love to pray and to read and to needlepoint and to Bunco and Wisconsin and the Packers and. . . . .HIS plan!
PS: You are a beautiful writer!!!!!
Mom
Oh mom, I love it when you come by to read my words and my heart! Thank you for the encouragement, and yes to all you shared! His plan, not ours. Keep trusting in it, and living! Bunco, and needlepoint, and praying and football, and ALL the things you do! His perfect timing… YES. 🙂
I’ve been there many times, my friend. And it definitely sucks! But this: “There is always purpose in the wait.” Yes, yes, yes. I know it’s almost impossible to see it while we impatiently wait. That purpose is there and we will understand it someday. I love your new found attitude, Chris. I know how hard it is to come to that trust and peace. I struggle with it on a daily basis :). Many blessings to you while you await what’s next!
I love that you get it, Candace! (I know you do, my friend!) I pray for true peace in understanding, that we are exactly we are to be. There is comfort in believing that very truth, isn’t there? I must cling to it every day right now.
Yes it IS the hardest part. Tell that to the single people especially and you’ll get a loud resounding ‘amen’. 😀
Happy weekend!
Oh yes oh yes…the single people, and the sick people, and the people in poverty… and the list goes on and on! I am always reminded of them all, and pray for so many who are waiting for significant changes in their lives. I was once a single gal… it took time, but oh it was God’s perfect plan!!
Oh my. Well you know that I’m in this same place. Waiting and asking what’s next. But unfortunately, I seem to try and figure it all out on my own without God too often. This post was like a prayer for me on this Sunday morning. A morning prayer that I sometimes neglect. Christine, your writing here is so important. You know that? This is a place of trust, a respite from all the noise out there. Thank you.
Julie, I absolutely love how you truly take in my words and soak them into your heart. I can’t tell you how much that touches me, inspires me, moves me. I’m so grateful for you! And yes, I often try to do it all on my own as well. Even WHEN I pray about it! It’s just our natural tendency, isn’t it? Praying for us both to find peace in trusting that right now, we are exactly where we need to be. <3
I needed this today. I feel so much like the beginning of this post. I was just having a conversation with my husband about al the busy, busy, busy – how I drowning in it and so exhausted, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I said to him,”Something’s got to give and that something is going to be me.” It’s this constant, nagging feeling that, even thought my life is full (maybe too full!) there’s just ha to be something more – more joyful, more meaningful, more . . . . . something. I glad you got your “bolt-whisper.” I suppose I will continue waiting for mine! 🙂
I know the feeling Lisa… I know. You know it’s so hard to see and feel the joy in all we do. But maybe if we really get that this place we are in can actually be savored somehow- it might change our perspective. I’m working on that very thing. I will be praying for that for you too, my friend.
I definitely have a Type A personality and I’m not very good at being still. Subsequently, this is a very encouraging word to me! I really like the statement that there is “purpose in the wait.” I’ll be repeating this to myself!
Ah yes – this. This is exactly why I have been journeying….towards Stillness!! Ha – sounds contradictory right? But everything you said and yes the most: what is the gosh darn hurry anyway?! I’ve always sought to find meaning in the menial tasks of wife and motherhood, but also you know: things just need getting done sometimes so shut up about it and just do it. Maybe you’ll find your smile in the the doing. ha.
You know I had been looking for a purpose, a call to something More; Higher, maybe even Beyond. And the waiting has seemed forever; but something has finally been revealed and I am very excited about it!!!
So, all in good time. His time. Perfect.
Ah, yes my friend! It seems that your mission and purpose is truly being revealed! I love that you are so intentional about being in the present and staying still. It’s amazing what can be found there, yes?
Hi Christine! Looks like we are blogging about the same issue this week, perspective. It’s amazing how a little head and heart shift can change the whole image of our thinking, right?
I think it’s often like a ‘lightening bolt’, or at least it really feels like one. I will often wake up in the mornings and wonder who I’m kidding with this whole writing thing. I don’t have talent, I’m not getting anywhere. But like God said to you, how do I know what God wants for me? And certainly I am to enjoy my work now, it’s what He’s given me to do.
God bless us on our secret and not-so-secret journeys. We’ll get to the place where we’ll look back and say, ‘Oh! That’s what you were doing!’
Blessings,
Ceil
I love that you and I are in this place of waiting and wondering together Ceil! Lets hope and pray that is exactly what we’ll say someday!! I know I have said that very thing before in my life, so I will trust it will come again..
I kind of needed this message this morning. Thanks for sharing, gorgeous!
I’m so glad you came by to read it then, my friend. THANK YOU!!! 🙂
Oh, how I relate to this. I feel that sense of urgency. I don’t know. It could be determination. Or it could be urgency. We are sitting on a ticking bomb. Probably more than one if I’m completely honest. Maybe it’s a combination of urgency and determination. It feels a little like the desert. He’s done some pretty amazing things in our lives, like the supernatural peace before a major life event that I wrote about, and so many other stories of manna from heaven that we’ve been blessed with on this journey. Isn’t the desert just a part of the journey, the place we must pass through to get to the promised land? And if we stay in faith, we continue on our journey to the promised land.
This was such a great post. I’ve been thinking on these things a lot lately. Imagine if we lived near each other, the deep and beautiful conversations we would have over a glass of wine. xo
So so so beautifully said, my friend!! I love everything you shared, and oh yes- “Isn’t the desert just a part of the journey, the place we must pass through to get to the promised land? And if we stay in faith, we continue on our journey to the promised land.” <— Amen.
Oh the conversations we would have!! That would be so incredible!!! *Dreaming*
This spoke to me, Chris. I have been thinking and worrying about what I’ll do when my kids leave for college, and it’s stressing me out. Instead, I should enjoy where we are now. Cherish the time that they are still living under my roof. Embrace the waiting. I’m going to try.
Oh Dana, I’m betting that is a daunting look ahead. YES- embrace the NOW. That time will come, and I’m sure there will be new perspectives and purpose that will come with it…
Even though I have experienced this sort of thing many times over, I still struggle with those moments when I want MY will to happen RIGHT NOW. I forget that God has this and His way is always the right one in the end. .And yet…I get impatient, frustrated, snippy. Been doing a bit of that lately so I’m very glad to read this today. Thanks. <3
I get depressed. Unmotivated. Stuck and definitely impatient, frustrated and snippy! But I must trust- YOU must trust- and gosh darnit, God’s plan is best! One thing I have learned to understand most, is when I am ‘stuck’ or stirring… waiting and feeling paralyzed- that’s when God is equipping us for what’s coming next. Those down times, quiet seasons spent squirming- are preparation for what’s to come! Hang in there, honey. <3
Contentment right where we are at! Not always easy for sure! I love how you still so sought God during that confusing time of wondering what is next. Someone was said the journey is the end itself, not the goal we are striving to acheive. It’s the process of writing that is the end, not the finished piece, for example. Sure does take the pressure off and the joy release when the urgency is let go of, doesn’t it?!
It’s that darn URGENCY! God nailed it for me then, and continues to remind me of this unnecessary pressure. There is peace when we truly trust that God’s plan is alive and on track. And I’ve learned that the time ‘stirring’ is often when He is equipping us for what’s to come!