This is a follow up post from my recent piece titled, “You Don’t Remember”. Please read that first.
These months were the hardest months I would ever have to survive as a mother. Since the moment Cassidy was born, she had one medical crisis after another. My greatest fear with having another baby was Cassidy getting sick as much as she had while I was nursing and tending to my newborn. I was terrified to face it all, wondering how on earth I would manage. I could barely make it through these terrifying months with just Cass, and now I would be adding another precious dependent newborn. I prayed incessantly about this, and just weeks after giving birth to Cade- something far worse than my greatest fears transpired. It wasn’t just Cassidy sick, but Cade too. And the nightmare unfolded…
How could God allow this to happen?
I have been going through photo albums searching for pictures of Cassidy to share, and I came across this.
(Look at those sick eyes.)
The day Cade was born. Cass was so sick leading up to this very moment. Then weeks after Cade’s birth, my sweet boy had bronchiolitis. And sure enough, Cass then came down with another horrible virus… the one that ended her up in the hospital.
My first five weeks with a newborn.
Were the hardest weeks of my life...
Hours before she was admitted, I felt an intense urge to write my home church friends and ask for prayers. They had been bringing us meals and that was such a blessing. I had never reached out to the group in this way, but I felt the need to do it immediately after I got out of the shower. I ran downstairs and got on the computer to write this:
“Hello everyone- I am writing to you all first and foremost to thank you…I can’t tell you how much your meals and prayers and love and support have helped us this past month. We are so grateful to all of you for your amazing meals and all the time, effort and money you put into nourishing our family with food and comfort. I just received one of my bills that would include all our groceries/food needs for the month and it was HALF of what it usually is! I am crying just thinking of how amazing it is to think of the saving you gave us this month! As you all know, I am not working right now and I usually am in charge of paying for all our family’s food/nonfood items. Do you know what a difference this is for us? I can’t thank you ENOUGH for your total generosity in your giving and serving our family…
Through you, God has blessed us with this much-needed relief.
The next part of this letter is to ask for more prayers to come our way…
As you all know, weeks leading up to Cade’s birth- Cass was very ill. Since Cade has been born, we have since dealt with Cassidy being very sick for another two weeks and just as she recovered, Cade got sick. Well, this week- Cassidy became terribly ill again with fevers of 103 and horrific coughing and breathing problems again. She is so sick. It kills me to see her so ill, and I’m trying to cope with Cade still getting over his bronchiolitis at the same time. Cassidy is back on steroids and breathing treatments and antibiotics. She is truly a mess. I desperately need your prayers for my children’s health and for strength in their immunity. I feel like we are in this dark hole and can’t get out of it. Derek and I are stretched to our capacity. Quality time with God seems to be quick desperate pleas and thank yous for each passing day we manage to pull through.
I know this will pass. I know it will get better and that God’s Hand is on our family. I know that he is growing me in strength and faith with each trial. I also know that these children are HIS. And I place them in His Hands daily as I struggle to care for them. I simply ask you, to lift our family up in prayer in ways that I cannot right now. Thank you so much.
All my love to you and know how much I miss seeing you all and I miss my involvement in home group. I know that this distance will pass too. For now I’m grateful for you all filling in the ‘gaps’ for me.
Derek was watching Cassidy, who had finally fallen asleep on the couch. Although her breathing was laborious, and her coughing ensued- I was thanking God she was finally asleep after days of trauma and pain.
As I came up the stairs, Cassidy awoke in gasps and crying and I don’t believe I have ever seen her so sick. I picked her up as Derek grabbed the thermometer, took her temperature and looked at me with terror in his eyes as he said with an intensity I will never forget, “We are going to the hospital.” He wouldn’t tell me how high it was, for fear of me breaking down. My man is rarely affected by asthmatic trauma, because he lived it his entire life. But this time? The fever scared the hell out of him…
As we raced to the car and drove to the hospital, I started bawling. From the back seat came this whispery, raspy angelic voice…
“It’s okay mommy.”
My baby.
Said that.
To me.
How did she have the strength and maturity and sensitivity to reach out and comfort me? She was 2. And very very sick. This moment still baffles me. And blesses me.
It turns out the fever wasn’t the biggest scare after all. But it was the fever that got us to the hospital in time… to pump much needed oxygen into my sweet baby.
After transitioning her to the respiratory isolation unit and having the nurses hook her up to several machines and tuck her into her hospital gown and place her in a crib, I didn’t know how I would be able to leave her. I was terrified she would cling to me crying and I would have to peel her little hands off of me and turn and walk away. I was horrified at this very idea, and I truly believe God knew I wouldn’t be able to survive the separation I was faced to make. I could not put my baby through more trauma when she was already so fragile.
Somehow I managed to create this new excitement for a ‘sleepover with daddy’ as I put on the greatest act I have yet to surpass. I talked about the videos they would get to watch… “Dora! and “Blues Clues!!” I squealed with delight at the fancy bed she got to sleep in. I told her I would be back in the morning to hear all about her fun night’s stay! Absolutely terrified to walk away, I slowly stepped back toward the door, inching ever so slightly away from the crib…lingering too long, before I turned from her gaze.
“Have a fun night sweetie! Mama will see you tomorrow!”
And as I took a deep breath to go, she simply said…
“Bye mommy!”
I opened the door, closed it behind me and fell completely apart.
In that moment? God raised His Mighty Hand and gave me a miracle. For my little babe to allow me to depart from her and leave her in this hospital room so sick? For Cassidy to have said goodbye with such a peaceful cheer?
That was God’s sweet grace.
I think if she had been distraught over my leaving, I would have never been able to survive. God knew it. He carried me away from her… with that Divine moment.
I still look back in utter amazement.
This was the baby that never left my side. She constantly followed me out in the middle of the night to nurse Cade. She always desperately needed my attention, my comfort, and my presence. But in a cold, dark hospital room- having been through hell for six hours… sick with pain and debilitating asthma…
She said goodbye with not one hint of sadness.
Only God could do that. Only God.
After two nights in the isolation respiratory unit, my baby came home. Still very sick, but at least her oxygen was at a normal level now, so that scare was over. I was now faced with more nights of this horrible sickness as I also had sweet Cade in my arms to tend to as well. Apparently, God still held me in His Hands and gave me enough strength and insight to manage this letter to my church home group:
“Hello all my dear friends. I just wanted to send a quick note to let everyone know that Cassidy was discharged today from the hospital. Her oxygen level stabilized over night and fever lowered. She’s home now, and still very sick. For some reason, I had this fantasy that she would be all healed… Now we have piles of prescriptions to fill and we need to start where the hospital left off in caring and treating her. It looks like I will be a very busy mom with all her medication needs. My biggest fear is that Cade may have been exposed to something during all this time in the extremely infected areas of the hospital. The nurse was horrified to see that he did not have a mask on at all times. No one offered this until it was too late. Cade seems fine for now, and I can’t believe how God blessed us with Cade being an ANGEL during this entire trauma with Cassidy! I think he is finally over his sickness because his temperament as changed significantly! I can actually put him down without him screaming!! My prayer is that he continues to be okay… I just can’t even imagine all the things that he could have been exposed to at the hospital… pray for protection! I am confident that God has answered this prayer, but my human side still worries!
(Cade did not pick up any illnesses from the isolation unit!)
I am just blown away that you guys are thinking of still feeding us!! Unbelievable!!!!! You have served us in just the most abundant way- I can’t find the words to express my endless overwhelming gratitude for each and every one of you. Thank you…
From the bottom of my heart.
(Not only were we fed for two months, but also that saved us financially. Hospital bills are not small.)
I have to just share how incredible God is-
I felt this overwhelming necessity to write you all to not only express my gratitude, but more importantly I felt an intense need to ask for prayer. It was at this time that Cassidy’s temp was rising during her restless sleep and within minutes of sending my email, she awoke with 105.9 temp, listless and unable to breath. The timing of His Spirit awakening my need to pray for my baby literally as she was growing so ill during her sleep- is something I cannot humanly conceive. A truly Divine call. What a comfort to know that my Father in Heaven knew just what my baby needed and prepared me in so many ways for this intense experience as we headed for the hospital just minutes later. I truly believe her fever may have saved her from any damage the low oxygen could have had on her weak body. We had no idea her oxygen level had been so low! I thank GOD for getting us to the hospital. Had she not been fevering so high, we would have never thought to take her.
(I’ve always wondered what would have happened to Cassidy, had we never sought treatment with her oxygen level so low.)
Leaving Cassidy in the hospital was the hardest thing I have ever done. And God gave me great comfort in trusting her to His care, when I was forced to leave. He had prepared me for this big event when Cassidy had to go without me recently when she was sick— and Derek had to take her so I could stay home with Cade. That was the first urgent care visit, I had not been with my baby. I paced and cried for three hours not knowing if my baby was okay. I had to trust in Derek and God to take care of her. I got through that experience only to have a more intense one two weeks later. But God slowly prepared me for the hospital through the initial trial two weeks ago. He knew I needed a “step program”!
I know I am rambling…forgive me having to take you through so many words! I just keep processing all of this and seeing how God has been so real throughout all this messy, messy month. I am so blessed by His Love!
It’s in God I must trust to carry us through…
Chris
As I relive those frightful agonizing weeks, turned into months, turned into years- I realize I need to piece it all together in posts to come. There is so much about this little girl’s life, and my sweet boy’s journey that I must share the details of it all. I will dive into more of our story this summer, as I delve into the past with a bit of a quivering lip.
I am amazed at the strength and perseverance God gave me… This is a dab into the relentless season of parenting that engulfed my life for years, forcing me to grasp God’s mighty Hand with the fierce force of survival and surrender.
I lived on my knees.
And now I rise stretching with the angst of the memories.
Knowing full well, we have overcome.
And lingering still, it will always be.
As that song unveiled it all again
In me.
I had a hard time reading this post through all my tears. I actually feel a bit breathless right now. God was most certainly there for you, Chris. Sometimes we expect Him in other places, but He shows up where we need Him (though we might not realize it), doesn’t He? I’m learning this myself right now.
Now you have ME crying Jen!! Yes, dear friend. Oh, how I just love how you said that. YES.
And I am thanking God for ‘showing up’ in your life right now- and more incredibly, is that you SEE Him. So often, we are too traumatized and freaked out to even look for Him. You are so wise, and courageous, and I am in awe of your strength. <3
I love you.
What a nightmare. I can’t begin to imagine the agony of having to leave your tiny girl in that hospital room.
What an amazing transformation from that sick girl to now. And what an amazing mama you have been. Hugs and kisses and blessings to all of you.
It was my worst nightmare Stephanie. Absolute worst. And I was already so tired and emotional and hormonal from everything… But it’s amazing what you get through. Many people have definitely had to suffer through much worse tragedies. I know this. I really was a mess for so long about Cass and every single thing that blindsided me during her young years. I definitely feel like my anxiety got put to the test of all tests!!! But somehow- through the grace of God, we made it.
Didn’t think I would- oh so many times.
Can not even make it through this post. I am crying for you, for the fear you must have felt. Those pictures; her eyes!
I don’t really know what else to say right now.
Oh gosh Christina! I am a mess just reading your sweet words! Thank you for your heart in this. Oh thank you so so much. <3
I truly can’t even imagine. I had a 2 year old when my 2nd child was born and I cried the day I left the hospital without him because he was in the NICU (he was 6 weeks early). Looking back it was all selfish!!!! He only spent a week in there mostly as a precaution and came home completely fine 1 week after he was born.
I knew that you were a strong and amazing woman but until I read this post I didn’t know exactly how deep your strength went!!! I hope that those days are the worst you ever have to live through!!!
Oh gosh Kim! That sounds terrifying!! Thank GOD your sweet baby boy was okay- and left the hospital in only a week? AMAZING. And he was completely fine? FREAKING AMAZING! (Had to add something…lol)
Seriously- you wouldn’t believe how many times I broke down and totally crumbled. I had many many weak moments. Oh did I ever… I honestly thought I wasn’t going to be able to keep mothering… I wanted to give up time and time again. Especially as more happened after that. And then more. And more. I told a dear friend I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was terrified at looking at the next 20 years soaked in trauma and no sleep and fear. It felt like it was never going to end. It almost did me in. Many times.
Oh thank God it did. Oh thank God it did. Oh thank God it did.
I cannot even imagine and I thought I was scared when I got pregnant when Emma was only 7 months old and then was on bed rest after she was a little over a year old during that same pregnancy or when Emma was 3 years old with RSV pneumonia with 104 fever with extremely low oxygen levels, but still nothing compared to what you described here. And yet all these times, I was truly scared and not sure how I got through, but Chris, cannot even imagine having your little one this sick and then having a newborn at home. My heart broke reading your memories of this time and truly glad that you all made it through with god by your side stronger and better then ever for it. Sending you a re extra hugs tonight though for sure now!
Oh Janine!! RSV is HORRIBLE!!! Cass had it twice- ended up in the hospital for that her first year. Cade had it also- I knew it, diagnosed it- and he needed hospital-sized breathing treatments as well (three in a row- and no change. GAH!) Funny how I can remember such details- and yet, I can’t remember anything else during those blurry years. So interesting to me. But I do remember holding him with the mask and thinking to myself “I am so much stronger now, having been through this before. I can do this.”
Every mom at some point and many points- has to face such difficult circumstances… YOURS included!! Bless your mama heart!!!
Somehow we get through it- somehow.
BIG HUGS right back to you, sweet friend. I literally want to crawl into the computer and find you and do one of those weepy long holds. <3
Powerful testimony, my friend. And DON’T dwell on “what might have happened if we hadn’t…”
You DID. You got her to hospital in time.
And this week she has a birthday.
Dwell on THAT, Lovely.
*hugs*
You know- it FREAKED me out for months after- because every time she got so sick, I worried she may be low on Oxygen again! I didn’t trust myself- Here she had been so sick, and I didn’t know to take her to the hospital- it’s a constant battle to trust your mom gut. I had too many scares where I was naive to the danger of her illness, and this was one of them that sent me spiraling- constantly questioning my parenting.
(Still cringing EVERY single TIME I talk about mom stuff with you, love- seriously. Every time we message together – every single TIME. Oh, how I pray you tell me when you can’t take it! Please? I love your heart.)
Why are you/were you beating yourself up? You’re not a medic – how could you possibly know? Good grief! Talk about holding yourself up to unrealistic expectations! What mom EVER EVER EVER knows precisely the right thing to do for her kid? Especially in a crisis so far outside her knowledge base.
STOPPIT! Goodness me. You agonise too much, my lovely – apart from anything else, it WAS alright, and Cass IS absolutely fine and lovely and beautiful and THRIVING. And whether it was Derek or you or God or pure coincidence, you DID get her to hospital and she DID receive the right treatment and IT WAS ALL OKAY 😀
*exhaaaaaaaaaaaales*
And stop getting yer heartstrings in a tangle. I’ll let you know. I’m fine 🙂 PROMISE. *heartsqueeze* You are too sweet 🙂
So I read this a while ago and cried, and now I’m re-reading your comment again and am STARTING TO CRY!!!
I know… I KNOW. I’m one big fat emotional mess of a woman.
lol
Your words always make my heart SWOON.
Thanks lovey.
SO much.
Not a ‘mess’ hun, because that makes it sound like a negative. You are possibly the most emotional person I know, and I think you’re quite wonderful for it. You exhibit strength and courage and genuine faith in others, to be able to feel so deeply and immediately, and share that. Something I know I’m terrible at. Bravo, my sister 🙂
So after a very long day, I get to come home and see THIS? Oh Lizzi!!!! Do you know how MUCH this does my heart good? Sometimes I think I feel TOO much to handle it all. Like now, when I hear my daughter coughing so hard… in an asthma flare from the swimming in the cold, and the field day in the mud and the endless celebrations of this last week of school and fifth grade graduation and AND her birthday!
She’s worn out. And I worry.
And my heart clenches every time I hear her cough.
A learned response. But I know this time it’ll be different than all the rest. She is stronger. And for that, I thank GOD.
A learned emotional response to a very specific and very powerful trigger with attached, understandable emotions of panic and fear. Of COURSE you have this. It’s completely explainable, given the heritage and the things you’ve been through with her.
*hugs* I hope she gets better soon.
Things will change, and I hope that one day her cough will just send a shiver of nastiness down your spine rather than a full-on panic-response, but in the meantime you have a long slog of work ahead of you to recondition yourself into new ways of thinking and behaving. But you can do it. And it will happen inevitably each time she DOESN’T end up in hospital. It won’t be easy though, but it sounds like you’re already switched on to what needs to happen.
God really is always there, isn’t He? It might not be in the way we wish it would happen(like magically making everything better), but He’s still there for us, we just have to know how to look for Him.
I LOVE that Shell- “We just have to know how to look for Him.” YES! Perfectly said. XOXO
What an incredible post in every way Chris. I honestly feel like you are such an amazing woman…to have handled everything you went through with such grace and courage, well, that is certainly God taking your hand through it all. Beautiful my friend.-Ashley
Ashley- you are so good to me! Ya know- I can’t count how many times I fell apart during these years! Like BROKE DOWN and CRUMBLED into a million tiny pieces. It was more than I could take…
Or so I thought.
God is good!
Wow, Chris. I’m speechless. I cannot imagine leaving my two-year-old alone in the hospital and truly do believe that God was looking out for you by blessing Cass with peace and comfort as you walked out that door (and by your son not getting sick as well). What a beautiful and powerful community of support you had my friend. Thank you for sharing this story – heartbreaking but utterly inspiring. Hugs to you!!
I can’t believe it still stirs so much emotion thinking about it! Pretty intense indeed. But I love telling Cass about all her stories so she sees (and believes) how God took such good care of her and loves her so very much!
I have always tended to throw a twist about God to her- saying how she is just so darn special to have God bless her with so many things! I call her one of God’s favorites. 😉
He truly carries us through the challenging times in life. This post illustrates this beautifully!
He truly does! Sometimes we just don’t see it until it’s all over… and we look back and realize He provided those critical things that helped us survive.
So glad you stopped by to read this story, my friend!
Ahh, your beautiful kids. I am crying.
When Des was born, he had to go into the NICU for six days. And I never just came home, and certainly not with him. Not at first. And Scarlet needed me so badly. That’s when I first felt like a mother of two.
Then I came home and Scarlet got very sick and passed it to Cassidy and me!
Nice, right?
We’re all ok now. Whew.
Oh GOSH Tamara! That sounds HORRIBLE!!! I can totally relate!
But we mamas come through, don’t we? No matter how sick or tired we really are…
I can hardly type this comment through my tears. You truly have overcome! And God was there every step of the way!
Katie- this really was only the beginning. BUT a very traumatic and terrifying journey into the way of life for us for years.
There are stories that are so much worse than mine. This I know, and this I constantly realize could always be even harder than it was.
For that I am grateful. 🙂
Such an unimaginable thing to have had to go through, Christine, and I’m so glad you weathered the storm. What a beautiful, heartfelt post.
Thanks so much Linda. It was horrible. I just thank God that difficult and trying season is finally over!
I cannot imagine leaving one of my children in the hospital overnight even now, even with my husband. I cannot even imagine how hard that must have been for you, exhausted and emotionally spent already. I think in those moments we either let God in or we get angry and shut him out. I am so glad you felt His hands and peace through Cassidy’s sweet, simple words. It is a powerful story for sure. XOXO
You are SO right Lisa! And there were times when I just let go of God out of so much anger… I’ve even wrote about it. But each time I did that, I felt even worse. What else is there to cling to?
He’s our only hope really. I certainly don’t have another other options! Alone in this world? With God in this world?
No brainer to me. I actually felt terrified each time I say “I’m OUT”- like I just lost my lifeline.
How hard that must have been. I understand a little, because I went through a difficult time with my youngest when he would simply stop breathing. I thought I was going to lose him so many times and I was just a mess. Of course he is fine now, but it was the worst part of my life. It’s a horrible feeling when you feel helpless like that. And to have it all happening with a new baby…oh, the stress, Chris…I feel for you. I imagine it’s hard to relive it with your words as well. Sending more hugs your way!
Oh Michelle! I remember you sharing that and I just HATE that you had to go through something so terrifying!!!! There is nothing more awful than watching your child and thinking you could lose them.
Awful. I feel ya. Oh, how I feel ya.
I fell apart while reading this. God is so good. He gives us strength when we feel we don’t have it and surrounds us with people who lift us up. I love your church family. Truly.
Thanks for sharing such a powerful and blessed testimony.
xoxo
What a gorgeous response Jennifer! It’s truly amazing how we are lifted up in ways we wouldn’t even imagine, during such traumatic times in our lives. My church family has come through over and over again for me. I am so blessed because of their faithful serving hearts!!
Chris, this brings so much back to me. And as I read through the comments and so many mothers saying, “I cannot imagine leaving my child in hospital…” it brings back even more. Because I don’t have to imagine, though in my case, it was our baby in hospital. Sometimes it was her I left, sometimes it was her sister who went home without me. Some nights I crawled home at 4 am as my husband got up to go to work.
I can totally relate to where you say that you didn’t trust yourself and wondered if you could get through it. I felt that way too.
But I do have some words that might be of comfort for you – when we took our daughter into hospital she had seemed unwell all day, but had none of the danger symptoms we’d been warned about. Then she stopped breathing. She started by herself again, but we took her straight to hospital – directly to the ward where she’d been in special care. At first they thought we were overreacting because she didn’t look too bad. But her oxygen level was terrible. To cut a long story short, she was on a ventilator in 80% oxygen within an hour.
Later when I spoke to the nurse who’d been on then and said I’d wished I’d taken her in earlier, she told me that they would probably have told me to take her home again because bronchiolitis comes on that fast. So you couldn’t have done anything different than you did either.
We do the best we can, and the great thing is they survived.
OH Yvonne!! That DOES comfort me!!! Perhaps you are right… the timing was perfect. Oh, how I believed and trusted that then!
Learning how to navigate an asthma that NO ONE can treat, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do as a mother. I simply had no idea what I was doing and desperately searching for answers and healing and praying for strength through it all.
Thanking God we BOTH survived, my friend!! There are moms out there that STILL live in such traumatic circumstances, it breaks my mama heart.
That God would use a two year old who could barely talk, much less understand what was going on, to comfort you is amazing to me. What a horror to live through. I remember watching them wheel away my three year old for surgery…broke my heart. I can’t imagine having to leave a child in the hospital overnight even with their father. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
Oh Laurie! I absolutely LOVE that you get how incredibly miraculous that moment was for me!! And oh, how I know the pain of watching her child being wheeled away for surgery. It’s awful. I have another story about our hardest time doing that out of the many we have had… will share sometime soon!
Wow. Wow. WOW! God trusts those he knows are up for the challenge. You were trusted BIG with your special babies. You are so dearly loved!
What a beautiful perspective to have my dear friend!! I never thought of it that way. Thank you for blessing me with it. Truly! XOXO
Wow, thank you, Mama, for sharing your incredible faith at such a trying time. It is truly inspiring on a completely different level. Thank you. I’m so glad to be your neighbor at Shell’s linkup, glad that I was brought here to read your testimony and incredible story. ~Jenna // A Mama Collective
Thank you so so much Jenna!! From one faithful mama to another… Thank you! 🙂
Oh wow, this brought tears to my eyes. What an horrible and yet miraculous time in life. So glad you have so many church friends who stepped up and served you. I really do believe God often sends in angels in the form of people we know.
He is good.
I do too Emmy. I do to.
God is good! Sometimes life isn’t, but God ALWAYS is perfectly perfect. It’s so hard to trust in His Power and His Plan- but I do believe He uses everything in our lives for His Good. 🙂
Thanks for reading this my friend!
Oh Chris! I spent Christmas in the hospital with Henry when he was two and a half and I was pregnant with Benjamin. He had bronchitis and pneumonia brought on by asthma. We couldn’t get his oxygen levels up high enough to please the doctor’s. It was a horrible time, with one at home, one on the way and a very sick boy in the hospital. I think that’s the hardest part of motherhood: not being able to serve all your children at the same time
OH bless your HEART Rabia!! It’s amazing what we moms can endure, isn’t it? I am so so sorry you had to face such traumatic mom seasons too. I don’t think any mom is without them, yes? It’s the hardest part of this motherhood journey… and thank God we have the sweetest parts to balance it all out!
***It’s in God I must trust to carry us through…***
Your FAITH inspires others who live on their knees.
I have found that this is the only place left to go…& the pierced hand is always waiting for me.
Love to you, my dear beautiful friend.
GORGEOUS photos. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I just sat down to my laptop after a very long day… and you know who I talked to?
Kay.
I see her cross and talk to her all the time, and I touch her cross with a gentle sway of my fingers.
I just wanted you to know that, my beloved sister. I love you both so deeply. Amazing really- how connected I feel to you and your beautiful angel sister.