I Am An Honest Mom… Are You?
I recently witnessed a horrible soccer match. All the kids on our team were not on their game, as they carelessly floundered across the field in a haze of confusion and lethargy. My son, who typically lights the field on fire with his dominance and outstanding ability to take control of the ball and score most of the goals…
Sucked.
What on earth was going on? My throat hurt from screaming by the end of the game. It was a brutal slaying and a torturing experience to see our team go down without a fight… or at least a coordinated effort that reflects strategy and skill. I was both disappointed and frustrated and it showed in my yelling and my demeanor. I said “Aw CRAP!” A lot. I hollered over and over again…
“Get your head in the game!”
“Come ON BLUE!!! You can do THIS!”
“What on EARTH?”
“Aw… CRAP.”
It wasn’t pretty. Either was I. I wasn’t one of ‘those’ parents that can be hideous- I just wasn’t pretty. I was bold, but edited within reason. Of course.
So after the game, us moms who endured this brutal battle with despair and disgust were left defeated and with a heavy sigh, we accepted that this just wasn’t their day to be “on”.
Then something happened. The moms took this turn toward the positive approach that is both honorable and redeeming, reflecting the true unconditional love of a parent.
I on the other hand, still wasn’t happy. I mean, yes- of course our boys are young and in the big picture, who really cares about one soccer game? It’s all about ‘learning and growing and skill building and team work’ right? My kid is 8 and plays on a 10-year old team, and this game was against 11-year olds. Bigger field, bigger boys, bigger numbers and bigger challenges.
But I believe he could have tried much harder and played much better.
Here’s where I constantly live out my role with my kids…
In total honesty. I believe in honest parenting.
As the moms all went to hug their kids and tell them they did great, I didn’t. My kid knows I love him more than anything in this world- but he also knows he will always, always, always get the truth from me.
So as we united and walked to the car, I asked him why he didn’t get in there and fight for the ball? I told him that he didn’t play hard and he surely didn’t give it his best. He knows that is the only thing that matters in these games, not the score or winning- but *trying his best*- and in all honesty I told him I didn’t see that today.
It wasn’t easy.
The ride home was difficult, but Cade knows all too well, how his mama operates.
I was disappointed with how he didn’t ‘show up’ for the game , and the team did not play well. I told him my throat hurt from all the yelling.
He asked “What were you yelling mom?”
I told him, and he laughed as I repeated the same shrieks of frustration and fitful phrases I belted out on the field.
He gets it. He knows it was a horrible game. He knows I would never tell him something that wasn’t true.
And I believe both Cade and Cassidy appreciate this kind of honesty more than any false reinforcement or praise.
You see…
When my kids shine.
Oh do they hear from me.
When they make good decisions, play hard, try hard, work hard, show responsibility, invest in their schoolwork, show kindness and sincerity and compassion, have faith, accomplish hard things, recover from tough situations, give more, show progress or reveal wisdom…
Their mama pours the praise on every detail of the ‘good’.
And they bask in the honest feedback and utter joy of celebrating such beautiful pieces and parts of who they are. I can’t tell you how much this pleases me, as I see my kids’ eyes light up when I reach deep into their hearts and hold their goodness in the palm of my hands.
They expect the truth from me. Because they know that although sometimes the truth hurts, ultimately it helps.
My kids trust that I will not distort the picture to please them. They believe me when I speak, because they know for certain that what I share is authentic and not masked by ornaments of décor that are deceiving.
I want them to have reality in living… because if I give them anything else, I am betraying the very essence of growth.
On the way to that soccer game, Cade and I talked about the challenge it will be to play against an 11 year old team, 8v8 and on a much bigger field. I told him, all that mattered is that he give his best and what an awesome opportunity this would be for him to step up his game!
He didn’t do his best. He didn’t step up his game.
And that’s what I told him.
He knows it’s the truth. And we move on, learning that the next time he steps up his game and does his best-
I will SQUEAL with delight at how well he tried. I will praise him because of his efforts and he will know…
I mean it.
Coming from someone who is terribly honest even to no end, I totally applaud your honesty with Cade and sounds like you did exactly what you needed and had to here. Trust me, I do believe I would have done the same thing in your shoes, because like I said I totally am not one to lie and definitely was the right thing to do as a mom. Thanks for sharing Chris and you definitely are a wonderful and amazing mom!! 😉
Aw!! I love that you are just as honest as I am Janine!!! I am totally truthful to NO END too!!! The kids know how honest I am- about EVERYTHING and I think both our homes will be better for it, my friend. We are teaching our kids that honesty is the only way to live. I for one, like that! And I’m sure you do too!
I think being honest is such a great thing. Kids shouldn’t be praised for every little thing! As I was telling my preschool students yesterday, it’s okay to make mistakes because that’s how we learn. 🙂
Exactly Ginny!! Too many kids are praised for everything and even as they get older, parents mistakenly continue to have that mentality and that really creates a distorted viewpoint for the child. When the kids are really young, it’s less about being critical and more about the praise in their efforts. But as they get older, the kids can take more responsibility for the thoughts and actions and behaviors that parents need to address and provide critical feedback, in order to help them grow into thoughtful responsible adults.
I love this! I so agree. I think sometimes we, as parents, overdo the praise in the name of building self esteem. However, that’s not the real world. I fI screw up at work, nobody is going to gloss it over and praise my effort. If they fail a test, they fail – no sugar coating it. As long as it is done in a way that is honest & not harsh, as I’m sure you always do, I’m all for the honesty.
Exactly Lisa!! The sugar coating stopped long ago here… there comes a time in our kids’ lives where they are old enough to hear honest feedback. Both my kids are old enough to truly take responsibility and learn from their mistakes or failures or less than stellar effort in life’s situations. How else will they learn and grow?
That was a tough game but Cade is tough he will bounce back. I agree with my wife you have to tell them how things are be straight forward with them.
You KNOW it’s how I roll, and thank God our family is so tight that we can be open and honest with each other ALWAYS. I love that about us. I think we will always be so close because we are always so truthful with each other… our family is the BEST- don’t ya think, hun?! Love you. <3
Sometimes I fear I’m too honest, but I think they do benefit from it in the short and long runs.
I think it’s great that you could talk honestly with Cade about this game and how you felt. Seriously great.
I fear that same thing Tamara!! I am completely and utterly honest… I just don’t know any other way to communicate. I think ultimately, our kids will benefit and learn from us- no masks here. And I pray they never have to hold a mask up at any time in our family. OPEN and HONEST communication is really so very critical in having a united family and supportive loving home.
Chris, I’m right there with you – I’m my boys biggest supporter and will yell the loudest when I’m proud because they are putting forth their best effort but when they just phone it in…look out!
At Jordan’s first cross country meet (7th grade – 4 years ago), they ran a mile. I knew that Jordan had basically just jogged and not really pushed himself. After the race there was no way I could say “good job” because I didn’t think he did a good job. I asked if he had fun and he said it was just OK. I told him that the only way to have fun at a race is to push and run hard. That was the only race in his 2 years of cross country that I didn’t say “Good job, babe!!”
Nailed it Kim!! Exactly that. 🙂
Yay to you for your honesty!!! I love that you don’t taint the truth to spare your child’s feelings because it is in the NOT SPARING that you are best PREPARING them for reality. And it is you, so you are doing it all in love, which is key. Good momma!
Exactly Karmen!!! NOT SPARING is best preparing them for reality. LOVE that!!
Standing up and applauding you at my computer!! Yes, yes, yes, THIS times a MILLION! I absolutely give my children credit when it is deserved (gushing credit), but I refuse to pretend that they have tried hard when they didn’t. LOVE THIS POST!!-Ashley
YAY for TRUTHFUL PARENTING!!! How on earth will our kids ever learn to take responsibility for themselves if they don’t get honest feedback? I want my kids to be able to take the criticism and learn from it and ultimately grow from it. Don’t we all? Too many kids are coddled and therefore they don’t try harder and then they believe that what they do is always and will always be fantastic, and that is simply not true. What a horrible set up which leads to such an unrealistic life view.
Thank you for saying this! I believe our children need to know that when they need honest feedback, we will give it to them. If we only tell the truth for the good stuff, we won’t develop that deeper level of trust with them.
And if we never give them critical feedback, they will believe that everything they do is great. Surely, that is unrealistic and sets the stage for a distorted perspective. I believe we would fail them as parents if we did that. And you are so right about the trust! My kids ask my opinion, knowing full well I will tell them the truth. They will BELIEVE me always… because they know this.
Praise is important, of course, but honesty is more valuable. Our kids have to know that they can get it straight from us, not just blow sunshine up their tushies. I am a firm believer in emphasizing the process, the effort, not only the result, and in helping the child learn what can be done differently next time if what they did wasn’t a best effort, the result they wanted, etc.
As always, good stuff, you!
AGREED Lisa!!! It’s all about growth… learning… and teaching our children to give and be the best they can be!
good for you: truth AND praise when it’s deserved. I got harsh truth. so much pressure. such high expectation. I eventually quit. my step dad turned me into a tight ball of anxiety before every sports match. It was awful to go through, but the worst part was that it caused me to quit something I loved. Something I could have gone very far with in my life. I wanted truth – I wanted to be better: to exceed!! But not the stress, so good for you for finding the balance!
YESSSSSSS! I HONESTLY love this. Sharing!
Just another thing that makes us more like sisters!! 🙂 Mwuah!
I do the same to my kids Chris! When I know that they are slacking and plainly being lazy (especially the 9yo) I make it a point to tell them that I was disappointed for the lack of effort. I give feedback without the sugar coating in a loving manner. I know you know what I mean LOL
I absolutely positively know what you mean Jhanis!! 🙂 Exactly!!
I think it’s so important to be honest with our children. If we’re not, how would they know when we truly are proud of them? Great post, Chris!
Exactly Kristi. My kids know they will get the truth from me- which makes my praise that much more meaningful. 🙂
I completely agree and always take an honest approach with my kids… I think it’s important because if you lie and coddle them they will be much less prepared to deal with the reality of life. Great post!
Exactly THAT Carin. 🙂
Good for you. If a kid wants to be serious about something then we, as parents, need to take it seriously too. As he gets older he will know he can come to you for honest advice, not just fluff.
It’s not easy to be that honest parent, especially in a world where everyone gets trophy just for showing up it seems… But they need to hear it! They know when they don’t give their best — we shouldn’t act like they did when we know they didn’t — because THEY know, too.
If we praise our kids for not doing their best, what do they learn? We fail them as a parent then.
AGREED!!!!! What a horrible disservice it would be to allow them believe something that is not true. So many parents will look the other way and still praise their child, which in turn sets the stage for true entitlement. I do not want my kids to feel they deserve praise for not trying their best. The world won’t allow that either…