I remember when my daughter was only two; she had struggled with severe reflux,sensory and physical issues. She was sick all the time and also had severe asthma. To help her along through these struggles, I had to take her to MRDD every day for therapies with other little toddlers that were struggling as well. Every day I would walk her in, and let her go…
I would sit in the parking lot in anguish. I never settled. Uneasy. Nervous. Always. I never could go anywhere far. I would just venture down the street and back. I hated not knowing what was going on in her little world. Some of the kids were very difficult to be around, and my angel needed protection. Protection I couldn’t provide.
I would walk back into the school with a fast nervous pace toward the classrooms where I knew she would be visible. I would urgently peer around the room with darting eyes to find her, then quickly assess and evaluate the situation. Did she look okay? Was she playing with other kids? Had she been crying? Are her eyes red? Does she have any scratches or bruises? (Yes- kids had been known to be aggressive there)
Once I was able to see that she was okay, I would let out the air I had sustained inside my lungs for those two hours I held it in. And then there were times I discovered in horror that she wasn’t okay. And it rocked me to the core. It was a cycle of true mother madness, as only anxious moms like me can understand.
I am not good at letting go.
I never was, and I never will be.
I don’t know what is more difficult today, my son looking at me with those big blue eyes longing to have one more hug, scared at the thought of being in school all day, asking if I can volunteer this very day, needing just a bit more adapting time to take this new life in…but knowing he has to shift into his “big boy” role in his new class. I watched him sit frozen in his desk with not so much as a blink in his terrified eyes.
Or walking my daughter into a new hallway with three new classrooms in a new school…not knowing a soul. She was up at six this morning. Anxious to jump off the cliff of her fear and rip off the band-aid of anticipation. She looked so uneasy, so shy, so small. The only kid standing alone awkwardly at her desk, as other kids ran around hugging each other with greetings of old friends entering yet again, a new school year together.
I had to let go…
I tend to over think. Over analyze. Over everything. It’s just how I am. Sometimes I wish I were different. But for today, I will persevere with a quiet angst and stay down the street waiting…
How are you doing with letting go?
I feel the love for your angels through this post Chris! What gets them through these bumps is they know they have that love. Loved this piece, so very relevent to mothers everywhere. We all have to let go and trust that God will protect our angels. And even though we trust Him, we hold our breaths…
Thanks again for a truly masterful and beautiful post!
I just soak up your words and feel them glow in my soul. Deep, I know…but absolutely true! My hope is that other moms can relate and somehow be encouraged by this article. SO grateful for YOUR encouragement. It truly lifts me. 🙂
I will NEVER forget the kids in Kindergarten, or riding the bus (WITH A TRANSFER at the middle school)for the first time. I did “tail” the bus and watch the transfer from a hide out spot behind a tree! Otherwise I too would have never breathed fully! For me it was always “what if they needed me?”
I remember in kindergarten, Keegan had broken his thumb. Because he was so young they had him in a soft cast and he was to be very careful not to bump it. This would have caused more serious injury. I wanted to keep him home till it healed, but he begged to go. I explained everything to his teacher who stood politely and listened. I was confident that she understood to protect his little hand. I picked him up that day and he was so very quiet. I prodded as to what was wrong. He explained, rather casually I might add, that a boy had grabbed his thumb and bent it. “It hurt really bad Mommy, but I just hid under the table and cried for a little bit” I wanted to KILL that child, the teacher, the entire administration!!! I was so upset, but he handled it…on his own. I was so proud of him, but that was AFTER I chewed the teacher a new one in the hallway!! HA
Letting go is pure torture! I don’t think we ever do!
Oh those are such great stories!!!!! I could just picture you huddled under a bush watching the bus transer! I could just imagine you going OFF on the teachers in that mama bear style!!! POOR boy under the table!! Worst. Fear. Ever. Yes, oh yes. Letting go is the hardest thing a mother goes through- at any age!!
Well, now it is funny. For years the kids LOVED the momma bear routine. They would come home with a story of injustice and watch me get wound up…hands flying with rage! “What are you going to do mommy? what will you say?” Secretly knowing the hell fury coming at the offender…
Now, they very softly tell me things, saying “but it was okay, I handled it, you don’t need to do anything.” Then when I start to wind up they say, “No Mommy, no!!” I say, “okay, but then you better handle it, or I will!!” with a little crazy in my eye! They know I am here…with a little crazy in the trunk if they need it!! They just don’t let me do it as much!
*sigh* sometimes I miss it!!
SO TRUE!!!!! Cassidy did that the other day. “No mommy, I don’t want you to walk me in. I’m okay.” Cade this morning: “Yes, walk me in…but only to the hallway.” Inching the distance between us…. mom and baby. The space slowly getting bigger and bigger. LOVE YOU!
I also am a bus follower! It’s so hard to let go. Constantly reminding myself
God is watching over these precious gifts He has given me.
Yes. Amen! But I always worry…
My kids are much older than yours, 14-21. For the most part I don’t have too much trouble letting them go. But last year our oldest went to Russia for four months to teach English. That was incredibly difficult. I cried tons and worried the whole time she was there. And sometimes there are days I worry about my kids being out and about. Usually there’s only one thing I can do to help with the worry — pray a lot!
I hope your kids adjust quickly and you do, too. Good luck.
Happy Sharefest!
Oh I can’t imagine letting your daughter go across the globe for months! What a great mom-leap you made!!! Yes, always praying for protection with our kids is the best we can do when we are not with them. Probably even more so when they get older like yours! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!!
It really is hard. Everywhere my little girl goes, without me, I worry. Out with family, especially at school, and even out with her Dad, well, because Dad is Dad, but no is as protective as Mom. So, I understand completely what you mean. Last school year, I let her go for only 2.5 hours, now she’ll be gone for six. But I know it’s for her own good, because I want her to learn to socialize, and interact, and stand up for herself in her own little world.
Visiting via SITS. 🙂
EXACTLY! I wrote about that very thing in “Mother’s Dichotomoy”…I am sure you will relate!!! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!! 🙂
I completely suck at letting go. My oldest is 14 and you’d think I’d be better but I am really, really bad. Many have suggested that I put Gia in a “Mom’s Day Out” program but I can’t do it. You are not alone in this at all. I’m right there with you!
AND she’s your baby!!! SO glad to know I am not alone!!! Thanks so much for reading and commenting Ann Marie!! 🙂
It’s so hard to let go, especially when the situation is with your children. I learned early on with my kids that they are better off when I do the “dump and run.” I have a wonderful daycare provider who would call me a few minutes after I dropped off a weeping son to tell me that he was happy and playing just moments later. I wonder if she was making it up sometimes, but it helped us both let go!
And after letting go…it usually is a good thing! I still struggle with it though. Every. Day. Especially when my daughter says she can’t find anyone to play with at recess! Oh that hurts. But it’s how they grow and figure this world out…without us. 😉