I find myself gasping for air these days… treading the treacherous waters as best I can. I sink in grief, for my beloved friend who so abruptly lost her devoted lifetime love just days ago. He was yanked from her life in an instant, leaving her heart crushed into a million tiny torturing pieces and her daughter crumbling into wailing tears.
Oh the pain. The pain. The pain.
This death paralyzes me, and my ‘to do’ list has shifted and changed and the shadows follow me as I try to accomplish the tasks at hand, all the while the waves of grief crash over me and I simply freeze.
But life is raging on, much like those flooding waters. There are gifts to be bought and swim meets to attend and a house guest that was planned long ago. There is cleaning and preparing for my ‘exit’ out of my duties, and meals to make, kids to care for, and ministries to lead. Anxiety spills into my every trembling breath as I anticipate the surgery just days ahead. All the while, a funeral is planned and the reality sinks in. He is gone.
Too much. Simply too much.
This leaves me breathless. My body shakes and my heart pounds so loud and hard as I sit here once again paralyzed and bound in anxiety.
It’s been a hard month. So very hard. And yet?
I see where God has built a hedge of protection around my heart and my family. I recognize the Divine Providence in it all. I take it in…
Slowly soaking in His Peace and His Provision.
When I panic, I pray.
My pulse still quickens at the thought of what I need to get done. But I find myself asking, “What is most important?”
Over and over again.
The blurry haste of hurrying. My tattered frayed nerves are vibrating strong. And although I am constantly pulling myself back to gasp for air, I know that it will come.
God delivers. Always. I trust that. I really do.
So as I continue my race of worry and fear, I take each step intentionally and purposefully, always asking…
“What’s most important?”
And I do that.
The next thing.
My next step.
One scary, scrambled, somber step at a time.
And I ask my God to give me the lift of His Light, to take those steps we choose together.
I will surely miss many along the way. I already have. But the holes I leave behind, I trust God’s Grace will fill them.
I’m off to do what’s most important. I pray you do the same, with the breath of God’s grace to fill the holes that you miss too.
And please pray for this cherished precious family, as they begin the long aching road ahead full of longing nights and empty days. They are my ‘people’ these three turned two. My closest of the closest. I feel their pain like it was mine, as I beg God to carry them and the weight they now wear.
This Holy Season is upon us, and I will seek the star and His guiding light. May you do the same. And I pray we all find the Prince of Peace in each shaky step along the way…
Oh Christine!! I’m so sorry for your loss. I pray for your friend and her family. I pray that God eases your pain and gives you the strength you need to receive your guests. I hope your days get easier. Love you!
Thanks so much for your precious heart and encouragement Manal!! It was hard- the last few months have been very difficult. But I was SO blessed to spend that time with my dear friend staying with me, despite the loss and sadness.
The simplest things are the most crucial, aren’t they? Breathe. Take a step. Eat. Sleep. It’s the only way to plow through stuff like this.
Your dear friends are surely in my prayers – as are you and your gang, too.
Sending you the best I can – love and hugs and prayers.
I love you Lisa!! I love your heart and your precious encouragement. Thank you, so very much for being such a sweet friend. <3 I do hope you had a beautiful Christmas? I miss you!!! I have a lot of catching up to do...
Yes, beautiful! Sorry to see it end and school to start, but ready to be back in a regular routine again, too. Balance, right?
Yes, lots of catching up ahead – how are you feeling?
Oh I am so glad you had such a great holiday sweetie!! Regular routine… oh how I yearn for that. I am doing a bit better each day. This has not been an easy recovery and I have another month in this cast. My two mantras? “Surrender” and “This is temporary.” 🙂
It’s been SO hard to let go of so much. But pain and exhaustion and immobility does that. Many blessings still all around me though. I won’t ignore those!! Perspective. Yes? XOXO
***Too much. Simply too much.***
Isn’t that the truth.
Once again, I’ll say…. “This is NOT our home.”
I thank GOD for that.
because…sometimes, it’s just too MUCH.
Love & Prayers flowing from Minnesota. xxxooo
It’s been a lot of too much the past few months… but there are always choices we can make to make it more bearable, manageable, yes? I love you. <3
Just the next thing, Kitty. That’s some of the best ‘grief advice’ I think I ever heard or used.
Keep doing that. Sending prayers xXx
Thanks babe. (YES- STILL doing comments!!! Poor Sammy is watching me while I struggle to finish!!!!) MWUAH!!!!!!
Truly so sorry to read this and can’t even begin to imagine what your friend is going through. My heart breaks just thinking about it, especially this time of the year. Saying extra prayers for her and her family, too now.
Thank you so much my sweet friend, for your heart and your prayers… She and her daughter are so strong. I am amazed.
Dear Chris,
I struggle with the Christmas season a bit and as a Christian I don’t feel that I should. I don’t know if it’s the commercial and the spiritual struggle. Then we lost our friend and I can’t stop thinking about the family! I know he’s in a good place and his first Christmas with Jesus. So I just want to thank you for always sharing your thoughts and wonderful way with words. I feel what you say and you put it into words! Thank you my friend! Love ya!
Oh Sandy, how I love your comments so much!! Your words always touch me so deeply, and encourage me so very much. Our hearts are very similar, aren’t they? I love that. Thank you for being in ‘this place’ WITH me. <3
I am so very sorry for your friend, Chris. I lost my mother at Christmas time. Grief is never easy, but during the holidays there’s an additional layer of pain. Please let us know how your surgery first, please.
OH Allie!! I’m so so sorry you had to endure such a horrible loss and at Christmas time to boot! I hope you manage to find joy and light in some way as you navigate through each new holiday season that you approach, including this one! I miss you hun. Hope to get back into blogging soon. Surgery was tough- still in a cast for another month. You’re so sweet to ask!! XO
Life has just been too much of late for you. I am thinking of you and sending all the strength I can spare. You’re right: take a breath and handle the next thing. That’s how you get through, you wise woman.
Oh thanks so much honey! Your encouragement means the world to me Sarah… <3
I’m so sorry to hear of this loss. I’m surely praying for comfort in days ahead. How blessed though that you know to pray when panic sets in. So many do not. Hugs to you and prayers for continued peace.
Thanks so much honey.. it’s definitely been a mess of a few months over here. We’ll catch up when things settle. You know where we can meet!! 😉
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend.
I pray when I panic too..
And anxiety literally leaves me breathless sometimes. I don’t even know the mechanics of why that happens, but it’s nice to do something to get the breathing back in. Easier.
I hate that you struggle with anxiety too, but I love that you and I suffer with similar stuff- ya know? It’s quite connecting, so I love THAT part of it! It’s amazing how we can feel it physically too- but makes sense as we are truly a whole: Everything works together in us… or fights hard too.
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss for your friend – always sad but when it is so unexpected it is even harder.
Agreed Kim. Unexpected loss is horrible. Thanks for your sweet words my friend.
Anxiety is so horrible. I wish you peace…
Oh Michelle, you are so kind to stop by and take the time to read and encourage me. Thank you so much, my friend. I’m hoping to get back in the blog world soon… Anxious to head over to your ‘place’ and take in some good stuff!!
So so so sorry for your loss and for the anxiety you’re feeling. I get it. I do. Hugs and prayers. Tons and tons.
Thanks babe. I hope you had a beautiful holiday!!! Miss you and love you… XOXO
I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately, Chris. Sometimes you’ve just got to prioritize and focus on what’s important. I so get that.
Oh I know you get this Jennifer! You have mastered navigating through messes much better than I have. I am always just so inspired by watching you manage all your stress. I need your strength and endurance to rub off on me!!
I don’t really get anxiety per say, but my brain does get very noisy on me quite frequently and that can steer me off course. Because it’s just noise — it’s not always anything important – just the wheels spinning madly. But when I become aware of it, I find a way to step outside myself for a bit. Be still. be quiet. Yoga and meditation are good to help me get to that place…. I can’t even pray until I reach that place because I can just imagine God “girl, you need sssshhh your brain and make some sense when you come to me!” LOL
Focus is an issue to say the least.
Will keep your friends in my prayers.
I can’t tell you how many prayers I say whilst going on about 677 different routes of thinking and that muddled mess of NOISE!! I just picture God shaking His head saying the same thing He says to YOU! 😉
Oh I am SOOO glad I am not the only one! what a relief. Thank you! 🙂
Ohmygosh are you kidding? That is ALWAYS how I pray! lol I figure God knows me so well, He made me this way right? This- THIS is what He gets. Me just how I am… rambling, distracted, completely non-edited raw ME. 😉 Why pretend to be anything else when we pray? Right? 🙂
Sorry for your loss, Chris. I do hope you find the peace that you need to get through this time, for your family.
Thank you so much Tarana, you are so kind. I’m so grateful for you prayers and your sweet encouragement!
Oh Chris I wish hugs can take away such pain! So sorry to hear for your loss and praying that your friend and her daughter get through this painful time in their lives. 🙁
Thanks so much my friend. I appreciate you and your sweetness and prayers! I miss you and can’t wait to catch up on your posts! XOXO
Oh friend. Pain and grief during this season is so much more poignant and difficult. I’m so sorry for you. I love you and thank you for being so beautiful you still recognize the grace of turning it over in the midst. Praying, praying, praying…
Thanks so much dear friend, for your beautiful words and friendship. I hope you had a beautiful Christmas!!! I miss you and hope to get back into the blogging world soon. XOXO
I’m so sorry too! Will be paying for your friends…and you!
Thanks so much Meredith. I am so very grateful you came by and I appreciate your support. <3
So sorry for your loss, our prayers go to you and your friends. Take small steps at a time, God’s grace will be shining through. Pain is temporary, life is good.
Thank you so very much for blessing me with your precious encouragement Lynne! It truly touched my heart and you are so very right… God’s grace WILL be shining through…
Sending prayers to your friend and her family. There is nothing like the power of prayer when we are at our lowest, may prayers raise her up.
Oh that is just such a beautiful way to look at it, my friend. You say it perfectly. Thank you for your prayers!!
We went through this 3 Christmases ago — it took all this time to feel alive again. Your post was beautifully written and tell your friend, as I am sure you have, that God sees her tears and puts them in a bottle.(Psalms) They are precious to Him.
Oh Carol! I’m just so sorry you had to bear that pain too… and I absolutely love how much that scripture and your precious comforting words. I will surely tell her. I’m so glad you have begun to feel alive again, my friend. XO
I’m so sorry to hear about this terrible tragedy, Chris! I will be praying for this precious family and their very difficult path to healing. I have no doubt you will provide a great deal of comfort to them. I know that’s who you are :). Much love!
Thanks so much Candace. It’s been awful. Please keep praying for my friend and her daughter… my heart has been so heavy for them. I am also completely amazed at their strength and grace that God is infusing in them despite the tragic circumstances. I am in awe of how they are enduring it all.
Oh, Chris. I am so sorry for your loss and your friend’s loss. It’s so hard to lose someone we love. My son and I were just discussing that earlier. Someone who he knows lost her boyfriend. You just don’t expect that when you’re in your 20s. But then do we ever expect it, even when we know it’s coming? It’s difficult to walk through.
I felt much like you until a couple of days before Christmas. At times, I thought my head would explode from all I had to do, and no matter how much others help, so much falls on us to think, plan, organize, and do. Even when others help, we cannot really walk away from the chore, because they need help in doing it. It’s stressful. And then pile on the amount of extras thrown in there for two major holidays back to back and all of the other crisis we have going on. Suffocating is a great word. I am thankful for the reprieve in my spirit that God gave me to just let it all go. What was done would be done, what wasn’t wouldn’t be. It would all be OK. That was nothing short of divine intervention. One thing for sure, after the holidays, it sure does make the rest of life look relatively easy. Of course, that is the thing about these big holidays…life does not stop because of them. We find ourselves dealing with it all.
And to think, through everything you have been going through, you thought of me and checked on me when you sensed something was wrong. What a beautiful, soulful friend you are. Sending love, hugs, and prayers. xo
Oh Topaz! I had you on my heart so much, and I’m just so glad you are okay! I hate that you had to suffer through your back pain, and struggle (or should I say suffocate?) through the season as well. I loved Stacy’s book I read and shared on my blog (Savoring the Season) and in it she shared such a poignant devotional about how that first Christmas was far from perfect… and yet, His Plan took place. Yes… ah yes.