Dear Childless Mother,
Do you know that every time I share a picture or a post about my children, I think of you? Every time. Do you know that every time I talk about my parenting, my days filled with all the frustrations and joys of raising my kids, I think of you? I do.
And a piece of my mama’s heart breaks each time.
I may never truly understand your pain, but I picture your face, your tears, your deep and heavy sighs, and your ongoing breath of sadness for the child you don’t have in your arms and in your life. I imagine the ongoing tests and trials you have endured desperately attempting to keep a growing baby in your womb and the devastation that breaks open your entire being each time it fails. I think of those silent moments of questioning, of begging, of pleading for the one thing you want most of all in this life… and I hear the silence echo back with resounding emptiness.
I can only guess that is how you feel. Empty of dreams, empty of hope, empty of the life you thought you’d have as a mother.
And you see all the pictures of kids, of families so full of stories that you could never tell. You read all the funny quotes and birthday milestones and wonder what your life with your precious child would be like, as you take in the experiences of others and wonder, “Why them?” I bet you have had to walk away, turn away, and turn off notifications just to protect your broken heart from all the incessant updates that scream the very truth right at you- The truth you believe because you are without. And the hardest reality rears its ugly head over and over again, each time you are reminded that you are a failure, less than a woman- a Childless Mother.
But that is a lie. You are more of a mother than I could ever be.
I long for you to truly understand that you are NOT a failure, and not less than a woman.
You are more of a mother than I could ever be.
All of your passion, your relentless efforts, and your desperate attempts prove this very truth. Because the reality is that I didn’t try half as hard at being a mother than you did. I didn’t spend endless hours praying for, hoping for, begging for a child to hold in my arms. I hold you up on the pedestal of greatness, of love, of merciful strength. And if I would define motherhood, the very depths of what it is- I would describe you.
I am not more of a woman, simply because I was able to have kids. Oh, no. I have done nothing to earn the Victor’s Cup… Nothing. And here’s the most important truth of all. You have done nothing, to earn your empty womb. That is what upsets me the most. The gift of being a parent is not conditional upon being a person worthy of having a child. Just look at all the millions of unwanted children all over this world, whose parents were able to conceive, and had no desire to have these discarded innocent children. The deepest twisted paradox of humanity is this very thing. Beautiful women (and men) who so passionately want to have a child, and can’t versus the men and women who recklessly create children without a thought, a desire, a plan.
Oh, this world is broken. So very broken.
How I wish so badly I had the power to change it.
Your medal of honor and badge of strength are earned through the long endured road of palpable pain and fervent hope. You may not have the Victor’s Cup with a swaddled baby wrapped in your arms… and for that- I break off a piece of my mama’s heart for you, each and every day. But please know, you are the greatest example of a mom and a woman to us all. If life was fair, and just, and logical by any and all reasoning- And if this world wouldn’t waver on random heartbreaks and unpredictable hopelessness, and if the privilege of motherhood was based on reward or worth or earning…
I would give anything to watch you take the Victor’s cup, full of swaddled babies, each one wrapped in your arms. I couldn’t think of anyone who deserves it more.
So when you cringe at another update from me, please oh please know that I cringe with you, I cry with you, I mourn with you…
Every single time.
Dear Childless Mother,
You inspire me every day to be the kind of mom I want to be.
Janine Huldie says
What a beautiful sentiment here, Chris and I don’t truly do feel very guilty especially when I complain or vent of the crazier moments here as I know I am truly very lucky and do know that deep down. Thank you for saying what I might not have had the courage to voice and put to words in my own space.
I was really nervous about posting this one, Janine. Because I want so badly to honor those mothers and was worried this would be received in a different way other than I intended! But I went ahead with it, thinking I needed to at least try as best I can to lift their hearts to this place on a pedestal where they belonged. And not stay still in the dark, where I know their hearts often lurk amidst us moms. It’s SO hard to address this… but my intention was one of utmost love. And the highest respect. <3
Thank you so much for sharing this love letter. It has been just over 4years ago I had a still born son, Luke. I feel this way so much of the time with my friends and family that I sometimes don’t even attend events with them. My best friend doesn’t think sometimes and complains about how hard being a mom is. I don’t want to take any of that away, I do think it is difficult but I just want a chance.
Oh Jeanna, I’m heartbroken for you, mama. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you- especially with a best friend deep in her own motherhood journey!
I want you to have a chance too, with every bit of my heart.
Praying for you…
Wow this is such a powerful post on so many levels. So much so, I shared it on Facebook after years of never posting about my own personal journey. In truth because I was too embarrassed. But after reading so many articles and blogs this particular one moved me more than any other. Not only because it is so beautifully written, but for someone who is a mother to reach out and describe so succinctly, the pain of a childless woman is not only very moving but also goes some way in uniting women who are blessed enough to be mothers with those that aren’t and feel detached from other women and inferior. I’m all about women trying to empower each other. It’s a truly lovely and comforting letter to read. Thank you xxx
Andrea, your response to this letter means everything to me. Tears flooded my eyes while reading your beautiful words. It was my desperate hope that my letter would be received exactly as you received it. Thank you from the bottom of my aching heart. I was honestly afraid to write it, but couldn’t NOT write it. It overwhelms my heart and my thoughts so often- So I took the risk. I’m so glad I did.
And YOUR journey is important, and I hope you give it more of a voice. You can surely empower and encourage women through your own experience. <3 (I am so glad this piece moved you to that point) I am all about women empowering one another too. And I celebrate our unity with you, my new friend.
All my love and support to YOU,
I don’t know you, but I thank you greatly! I can’t even find the right words to say how much I love and appreciate your words. You hit everything spot on. And your feelings about it all are what we all long for from others. I have read this and reread this and cried and loved reading it again, because it is so wonderful that someone with children gets it and cares. Thank you so much!!! My husband read it and he said you summed up everything he has wanted to say to me, but couldn’t find the right words. Bless you!
Oh, Leisa, when I read your comment, tears streamed down my face. Knowing my attempts at getting this right are validated by beautiful women like you (and your hubs) means everything to me. I was terrified of publishing this- but it poured out of my heart and I prayed it would land in the hearts of people like you. I only wish I could take away your pain and give you the Victor’s Cup.
Thank you for this. From a “childless mother”. ❤️
Oh, Mandi, from my heart to yours…
another jennifer says
My heart breaks for the childless mothers. I know many. It just doesn’t seem fair, especially when there are parents who don’t take care of their own children. They are still mothers though, and I have to think they will one day be with their child. Beautiful post. It’s a sobering reminder.
Yes, it’s a reminder that I think about so very often. There are many many many… and it’s the epitome of unfair.
So broken by this I can’t even type, Chris:
“I have done nothing to earn the Victor’s Cup… Nothing. And here’s the most important truth of all. You have done nothing, to earn your empty womb.”
Thank you from the depths of my heart for this. And for This heart…your heart.
With love and tender mercies,
You are an inspiration, a Victor, a heroine… to me. <3
Lisa @ The Meaning of Me says
I sent you a message. <3
I love you Lisa. That is all. <3
Holding you in my heart, Dani, my sweet friend. *HUGS*
“The gift of being a parent is not conditional upon being a person worthy of having a child.”
Fertility is only conditional upon functional bodies, and perhaps good timing. Nothing more.
I have to, HAVE TO believe that it is nothing to do with worth or value or deserving, for the very reason that some of the worst people I know keep managing to reproduce prolifically, and wreck lives and create tangled family webs, whilst I sit here completely, explainably barren.
Through choice. Because I love my infertile husband, and though this is close to a dealbreaker, it hasn’t proven so yet. Nor (I hope) will it.
But I would say this (IN SPITE OF the fact that yes, it’s mother’s day here and a totally stupid day for me to read it and you nearly made me fucking cry and I’ve had ENOUGH CRYING this week, seriously) – do NOT feel guilty.
Don’t you DARE.
Because it’s happenstance and accident and fertility the other way around. If I’m not to take my lack of motherhood personally, then you sure as hell aren’t allowed to take your fullness of it personally.
You’re not obnoxious about it. And as you say, when things get too much with whichever parent posts constant updates or vignettes about their kids, I have the choice to click away, but in the meantime, YOU, PERSONALLY, YOU are setting a good example for others. You are nurturing and encouraging Cass and Cade in beautiful ways. You are tireless in doing your utmost to support them and raise two wonderful, well-rounded human beings.
Don’t you DARE feel bad about that.
The BEST thing you (or any parent) can do to honour the aching, childless mothers (and fathers), is to bloody well parent to the best and utmost of your ability.
And. You. DO.
You read this!? Oh my love, I just hope it wasn’t too much!! I will honor your request. But always know that when I do share, a piece of my heart breaks for you. And husby. And I am amazed at your strength and your investment in love- amidst the deal-breaker. You are an inspiration in what sacrificial love looks like. Thank you for that, for showing us all what that means.
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
So beautiful, Chris. I will admit that I DON’T think of the childless mother every time I write about my toddler or tell a funny story about him or complain about how tired I am. I appreciate this post because it’s reminding me to keep that perspective and better empathize with the pain and emptiness others feel.
Thanks Katie! Yes, it’s easy to forget in our own motherhood worlds full of well, mothering! This post serves as a reminder to us all- that there are beautiful precious women who do not have that gift. It breaks my heart every time I think about it.
Kathleen O'Donnell says
What a thoughtful, heartfelt post. I was adopted. My mother couldn’t have children so after ten years of trying they adopted me. I know her infertility defined much of her life, it wasn’t acceptable in the 50s and 60s to be childless. I think she went a little nutty over it and never really got over it. Even though I have that in my background, I never really thought too much about childless women. This is a lovely reminder that not everyone is as blessed as I am with my children. Love to all of you out there who suffer because of it.
Thank you Kathleen, for reading this and adding your story and your perspective! I can only imagine what your mother went through- and yet I am SO glad she picked YOU to be her child. That was surely on purpose. And yes, I do hope this serves as reminder for us all who have children to remember those that don’t. <3
I rarely thought about childless mothers before. And now, through the amazing world of blogging, I know amazing women who should be mothers. And my perspective has changed, and that’s a good thing. I also love what Lizzi said – the best thing we can do is parent to the best of our ability. So that’s what we have to do.
Yeah… I really love Lizzi’s perspective on what we can do. She’s such a gem. It’s amazing the reality of so so many women who have struggled with infertility or have lost a child. It just breaks me, every time I think of them. Thanks for reading this one, Dana! <3
My Inner Chick says
–absolutely, stunningly, heartbreakingly, amazingly written.
no more words.
I love you. <3
Tove Maren says
I completely agree with the feeling of thinking of the women without children when I post. Beautifully written.
Thanks so much for reading this, Tove. It was hard to put into words, but praying it honored many hurting hearts in some way. <3
This is exactly how I feel, Chris. You write it so well!
Thanks so much Sarah. My heart and your heart are the same. <3 *Heavy sigh*
I have a few friends who are without a child and I feel the same way each time I post a photo of my kids or talk about my kids in front of them. Beautiful post Chris!
Thanks Jhanis. I cringe every time. And I have gone so far as to apologize for sharing about my kids… Oh, how I wish things were different. 🙁
I would really like to think of this mother more often, and to always remember her pain. Thank you for reminding me.
Yes… it’s so easy to *forget* in our own lives what others may be experiencing in theirs. This is exactly why I shared it, Tarana. <3
This is just simply lovely. My heart breaks for these women too.
Thanks Meredith. I know you and many feel the same way… I just wish it wasn’t so.
I think about it a lot. I have a few baby-lost friends who have since had other children, and of course I rejoice with them so darn fully.
Well, so grateful they have a happy ending to their heartbreaking story! I sink and soak in pain for those that don’t. Sigh…
So incredibly beautiful, Chris! I have a special broken place in my heart for “childless mothers” as well, my friend. I had a miscarriage before I had my son and it was truly devastating. I know women who have lost several babies and it is so heart breaking. Thank you for sharing this with the world. I know there are many that need to hear it. You have such a big, beautiful, loving heart!
Oh Candace, there is just so much pain around this subject and I have been wanting to write about it for some time. It doesn’t do anything but at least acknowledge their pain, that’s the least I can do. 🙁
Kristi Campbell says
Tears and love Chris. This is absolutely gorgeous and so so true – it is not about deserving or anything other than body and circumstance. I know of somebody who is pregnant right now and it’s not not not good at all. I know of sweet Lizzi who SHOULD be and so many others. I know that I experienced pregnancy loss before success… and well, yeah, your words my dear. You are beautiful.
Oh Kirsti- I know *know* you get this to the core. Sigh…
My heart aches for these women deprived of the joy of being pregnant and holding a little one in their arms full of love.
Your words are so touching Chris and because they are so true and beautiful, they have a healing power.
Why? I often ask myself this question. It’s not fair but dwelling on it does not help. I know so many women ready to jump into motherhood and knowing only negative signs on a pregnancy test or trying, , keep trying and facing false hope.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. They are for us to remember those fabulous women.
Thanks so much for your precious comment, Marie! Oh, how I wish there was something I could do. My heart hurts for these beautiful women with mother-hearts everywhere.
Maria Davis says
That was beautifully said. I have a good friend struggling with this right now and my heart aches for her because I KNOW she will be the most amazing mom ever. It breaks my heart.
Thank you Maria. It’s just so tragic. Breaks my heart over and over again every time I hear of another childless mother. Sigh…
I’m slightly dyslexic and it wasn’t until after the first paragraph that I read that right. Instead my mind was telling me, dear motherless child…And immediately my thoughts were filled with all the kids in foster care and in orphanages waiting for someone to pick them. To say I choose you.
They do go hand in hand I think. Maybe that’s because of the people in my life. In my family, I’ve had 4 close relatives adopt. Another 2 who have foster parented. And another who has adopted through fostering.
My heart aches for all of them–the childless mothers whether it’s from infertility or tragedy and the motherless children. Everyone deserves to be loved and have someone to love in turn.
My heart aches for them too, Amy. And I just love the fact that so many “Choose” children that need a mother, and their calling is fulfilled in that way! It’s an incredible calling indeed! And yet, there are so many out there that still need to be chosen, and those that still long to be a mother. Sigh… I so wish I could change that.
Mary Collins says
What a kind, thoughtful post. I’m glad to see you are addressing the invisible mothers. Those who prayed for motherhood but it never came. Those who love, nurture, and care for children they did not bring into this world, but does all they can to see to it that these children grow up to be God fearing, happy, adjusted adults.
I love that, Mary. SO many childless mothers truly ARE mothers in an incredibly powerful role they take on with others who need mothering. They truly have a mother’s heart. <3
Jackie @ The Courage In Me says
I’d like to share this on a site I follow called Stirrup Queens – it’s full of bloggers from the infertility, pregnancy loss, and adoption world. These words would bring them great comfort. Oh, and I want to re-blog too with your permission. I get a lot of traffic from women with infertility due to an open letter I wrote a few months back (actually very similar to a lot of points you touched on here). Your message here is SO IMPORTANT and VALUABLE!! You have no idea. Big hugs!!
Jackie, you absolutely have my permission to share this anywhere you feel it would help, heal, comfort or encourage in any way. It’s all I can do. Oh, how I wish I could do more. <3 HUGS!!
Thank you so much for writing this article. I am praying that God uses it greatly in the lives of these precious women that came to mind as we read it. It definitely is my heartbeat…so thank you so much for putting it into beautiful words for us all.
I really appreciate you reading it, and offering up your prayers for those that have this burden in their lives. Thank you so much. <3
Elizabeth Thompson says
This brought tears to my eyes. I think about this so often, too. My husband and I endured nearly three years of infertility, every day an agony. Thankful as I am that our ordeal is over, I still ache, knowing that dear friends—and countless other women I have never met—are still suffering the staggering loss that strikes again and again every time they walk past a stroller, hear a child laugh, or simply glance at images on social media. Thank you for sharing this.
Oh Elizabeth, I am so thankful you have a happy ending to your story!! You get it, and it breaks my heart that you do. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart in response to this post. <3
Every time I stop here your posts inspire me to be a better person.
Now I need to give my babies a hug and say a prayer for all those mamas with empty arms.
AW! Thank you so much for that beautiful encouragement, Christina! Yes- we need to hug our babies and pray for all those beautiful mamas who can’t.
As usual, those of us who are single and childless but long for a husband and family are forgotten. I’m sure it’s very hard to be married and unable to conceive. It’s extremely hard to be in my mid thirties, still single, and to have no idea if I could have children. All around me friends are married and having more kids and I have to sit there while they post thing after thing after thing and go on about how childless people could never be tired, how we all have tons of extra money (I wish I had even a little extra) and can just go off and take trips on a whim (I wish) AND that I can’t know what real love is. Tv shows and movies and books tell me this, too. I’m really tired. And I don’t have anyone to give me a hug and tell me I’m worth anything.
You’re worth everything. Please feel my virtual arms around you, giving you that hug you so deserve and need. You are worth everything. And I’m so sorry you are surrounded by so many reminders of what you don’t have… I’m so sorry you have to feel such pain. <3
I don’t know exactly how your feel but I am 44 going on 45 and I have never been married and I’m childless.. My dream was to get married young and raise a family for the Lord… everyone I know is married and is blessed with kids… but here I am alone, devastated and heartbroken…There isnt a day that I dont feel ashamed, not important, ugly, worthless, not trust worthy, not good enough, left out, old, valuable, failure, cursed and left behind… but when I read the word of God and spend time with God he tells me he sees me so
Valuable and loved that he sent Jesus to die for me and to not listen to my feelings but to what he says about me.. which is opposite of my feelings…. he sees my worth when he sent Jesus to die for me, he sees as trusted, he sees me complete in him and not lacking anything. Then my heart is charged and my head lifts and my heart mends and stops hurting
I recommend you read this book called In Him by Kenneth E. Hagin its a $1.50 you can find it anywheres. I have it on my iphone.. just remember Jesus sees you were worth dying for because he couldnt imagine his life without because he loves you… take care…
Denise Dunlap Billings says
Of all the tears I’ve cried–and there have been thousands, maybe tens of thousands–the ones falling down my cheeks right now have been the most hopeful I’ve shed. I would never have dreamt that the voice of a woman who hasn’t lived through the struggles I and so many others share would speak so beautifully and knowingly about our pain. I can’t tell you how uplifting it is to receive empathy, and not just sympathy. Thank you for standing beside us and not apart from us. I will carry your words in my heart always. Many, many blessings to you.
Oh Denise, I’m in tears reading your comment. Your words are so achingly beautiful and I am so grateful you shared your response to this post here so I could know my words did what I hoped they would. I was honestly afraid to write this, not sure how it would be received- but I had to. I had to address this, I had to make it known how mamas like YOU are constantly on my mind and in my heart and prayers- and how incredibly heartbroken I am for you all. I would give anything to change things for every mom out there who desperately wants to hold their baby in their arms. I especially wanted to shout from the rooftops how your strength and relentless passion to be a mother is both courageous and inspiring to me. Everything I wrote stands true for every childless mama out there. I will always stand beside you. <3
Tamara Windham says
You are a rarity. I am a childless mother of 17. I am also a teacher and often say that when I die and go to heaven I’ll have my own class of my own children. You so beautifully capture many of the things that I have gone through in my journey. I have had pain, both physical and emotional. Your post has given me tears to add to my other millions that have come before. I used to think that I did some unknown thing wrong to deserve all the pain. I have since learned that children are not deserved or undeserved.
I have had to walk away from many conversations or change the subject time after time. Sometimes it gets to be so often and annoying that I end up just sitting there ignoring the conversation. I have thought I was a failure, less of a woman, and literally worthless. I wondered why I was born a woman and wondered even why I was born.
It is all I can say to thank you for your voice. But that only expresses the mustard seed of emotions I feel in my heart.
Tamara, I haven’t stopped thinking about your comment and your incredibly inspiring words. I cried when I first read them. 17. Oh. My. Heart. You truly will have your own class in Heaven! What a wondrous visual I have of you being smothered with kisses and hugs from all 17 of your cherished babies!! I hope I can be there to watch it all unfold, my new friend. IT will be GLORIOUS. You’ll have eternity to catch up with them. <3
*You are more of a mother than I could ever be.*
God bless you, Tamara.
I so needed this, maybe it was just the fact that another random person thinks of me (in a way) and maybe its because you said we are mothers (even if we haven’t been so blessed yet to technically be a mother) or its the fact you said i have done nothing to deserve my empty womb (and yes i know its not bc I’m a failure). This post made me cry, i hold it all in, no matter just how sad i am as i dont want to make all my new mother friends and family frel bad. But this helped open me up to a good cry i needed. The struggle is real, moment to moment. One minute im at peace, but just 5 minutes later i want to scream Why?!? Or i want to hide in a dark room and cry. And tonight i needed a good cry. Thank you for your post and God bless you and your family.
Amanda, my heart breaks for you. I’m so so sorry you have to endure this cruel road. I AM thinking of you, praying for you, hoping for you- always. Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. I’m just seeing your comment now! Shame on me. 🙁
Helena Sylvester says
Speaking as a childless woman i would like to say that i have gained so much in maturity and insight by not having children, i have seen the process of parenthood and seen how what motherhood does to women long term and to be completely honest it is not always good. I have seen mothers who feed of the kick that the power of control gives them. I have rarely met mothers who truely value their children and friends for who they actually are. I too thought long and hard about writing this but your patronising smug attitude has made me really angry. There was a time when i wanted children more than anything, now i am grateful for the adventures the freedom allowed me to have and the deep love and strong bond that grew with my husband from it, also for the truely good friends i have – some mothers and some not, who NEVER pity me.
I’m truly sorry my words caused you to be angry. My intention was one of compassion and love, and it breaks my heart that you consider me to have a “patronizing smug attitude”. I know many women who have suffered this agonizing road, and I took a chance to share my feelings about it- because all childless mothers are constantly on my heart and in my thoughts. Please know I meant no offense. My words were an attempt to offer empathy.
I am glad you have gained gratitude for freedom and living a life of adventure, along with your strong bond with your husband and having true friends. Those are such gifts.
Liz Cooke says
Firstly, it’s nice to see some empathy because there really isn’t much of it around. I’m going to write a very honest post about what it’s really like to be childless and sadly I’m not alone in experiencing some of this behavior, it’s quite common amongst the childless community!
We all have gone through a journey which is emotionally draining, whether that is through disease, unexplained, miscarriage or just not meeting a partner within child bearing age.
The first ask from me is please don’t provide me with unsolicited advice! I can’t tell you how many times I was told to relax, it will happen in the end! It never did as I had no idea I have stage 4 endometriosis. IVF failed and my husband left me. I started noticing some of my friends with kids started to become distant. All I will say here is kindness costs nothing!
Secondly, don’t ask me if I have considered adopting. The short answer is yes. I went to the adoption open evening and was astounded when I was turned down on the spot for my lack of experience and the fact that I wasn’t ‘over’ my infertility. The sad truth is that those with kids already are the preferred candidates for adopting and the infertile are the last on the list and you have a long and intense battle ahead to prove yourself after the long and intense battle to try and get pregnant in the first place. I’m not ashamed to admit that I am battle weary and stopped the process.
Thirdly, I’m not jealous of you and your family, I’m grieving for the loss of the family I never had. Some friends just drifted away as we hadn’t nothing in common any more, some made it very clear that I was no longer welcome. I have been accused of being jealous by two people I thought were good friends who no longer speak to me. What did I do? Nothing! I’m just not seen as being a viable friend as I was no longer relevant! My own sister fell out with me because I invited her to party with her two kids. She didn’t want to come as there wouldn’t be enough children there to entertain her kids …..and yet again I get accused of being jealous. There is a MASSIVE difference in being jealous and grieving your own situation. I can honestly say I don’t really think of other people’s familes as resentment gets you nowhere and is hugely destructive! But I do need to grieve and heal – it’s natural and normal and us infertile people should never be ashamed of that! I decided I wasn’t going to pretend I was ok with being infertile when I wasn’t! I think a lot of people cover their grief as it just reconised in society. This needs to change. It’s not shameful to grieve the family that every bone in your body wants and tells you to do.
Liz, I appreciate you taking the time to comment here and share your intimate insights from a childless mother’s perspective. All of what you shared is incredibly valuable and I am so grateful you gave us a view into your experience so we can learn from you. It is heartbreaking to read about your adoption experience, the struggles with your friendships and even family relationships that suffered too. I’m so sorry you have had to endure it all. It is surely NOT shameful to grieve, and resentment surely can’t be helpful or healthy.
Thank you, for your voice and your wisdom in this Liz. It’s so very important to me.
Brandi Lytle says
I am childless not by choice and was never able to become pregnant, despite ten years of trying. And at this moment, I have tears running down my face because you so eloquently expressed my heartache. Thank you for this beautiful post. Thank you for trying to understand our struggles. Sending you love…
Oh Brandi, I’m so grateful to you for sharing your beautiful response to this letter. I never stop thinking about you and my heart never stops hurting for you. I wish I could do more than write. I wish I could change this messed up world. It’s not fair. I’m so sorry. All my love and prayers for you always.
Gabi Brandao says
Thank you so much for this post. You spoke to my heart. ❤ You are a beautiful soul.
Thank you for reading this and letting me know, Gabi. It means everything to me that I spoke to your heart. <3
Angela Castano says
Thank you. Thank you for this. For seeing this pain and not being afraid of it but for being willing to go there and acknowledge the raw and relentless heartbreak. Your words sound as though they were written by someone walking this surreal journey with us. It’s beyond encouraging to be acknowledged by someone who is a parent, because usually the response is pity and then frequently, amazingly, judgment or flat out being avoided because people don’t know what to say. As though we don’t already judge ourselves…and it’s hard to be in public because of a trigger that just might cause us to burst into tears at the most inopportune time; or just plain losing all our friends who just don’t know what to say so they just drift (avoid)…and we let them because we no longer have the emotional energy to do much more than survive…and they don’t have time for that. And we don’t want to ask anyone to make time for that because we probably wouldn’t if we were them, too. Thank you. Your words were like one of those hugs you’ve needed from that one particular person who, once you get that hug from them, you can breathe again. You can go on. You can keep going and keep trying because you know somehow you’ll be okay. Thank you. For seeing us. And seeing in us what we struggle to see in ourselves because it has been beaten out of us by every thoughtless comment, every cycle that comes around telling us we failed again, and watching helplessly, like you said, with every child we see who is given to a parent who abuses, neglects or just flat out doesn’t want their child. Their gift. Thank you. I will never be able to say thank you enough. ❤️
I have read and re-read your comment with tears streaming down my face, Angela. Thank YOU for taking the time to read this and thank me for writing it. This poured out from me and I was terrified of publishing it for fear of ‘getting it wrong’- but with each woman who reaches out to me in response to this, I am forever grateful I did.
Angela, thank you for describing the agonizing experience you have to endure with this suffering. It is both heartbreaking and enlightening- and I pray that everyone reads your comment, so they GET. IT. I can’t imagine having ALL this happening around you when you are going through the most painful season of your life- it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces for you.
If you would be interested in expanding your comment to create a post I can publish on my blog, I would be incredibly honored to get YOUR voice, YOUR experience out there. Perhaps it would educate people, bring more awareness, and hopefully employ others to show UP for the Childless Mothers in their lives. You can email me at Chris@TheMomCafe.com to let me know! (NO pressure at all in doing this. I just wanted to offer it to you!)
Kylene W Penner says
Thank you for posting this, your love letter to mothers that are childless. It means a lot to me! Not often have I shared publicly regarding our infertility, it’s just too hard – But this love letter I did! It has taken me 7 long years to accept we may never conceive a baby, although that too is hard (I have been mad at God, mad at my husband) I now have been more at peace that I have accepted this, although my heart still yearns, aches for a precious little one, it more then likely never go away completely. (we have looked at other options and even that is or so it seems like a long process but P U S H is what I’m doing. God is working and I just have to believe and have faith. All precious babies need loving parents!!
Oh, Kylene, your story breaks my heart in a million pieces. I can’t imagine going through all those years longing for a child. I would be mad at God too! And even my husband, and anyone else I could find to blame. It’s just not fair. It’s not right. Beautiful mothers like you should have MULTIPLE babes in your arms, raising them all in full homes with full hearts.
I will be praying for you to feel God’s presence and love and assurance that He IS orchestrating all things to answer your prayers. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your heart with me, your pain, and your hope too. I’m so grateful to know my words and message somehow encouraged you.
Josie Moss says
Thank you!!! All I can say is thank you!! Ive longed to be a mom since I was a little girl. Lately I have felt very alone. I’ve felt like noone around me understands just how hard it is. During my 1st marriage we tried but nothing happened. He always told me that it was because Dr’s told him he couldn’t have kids. We were only married 2 years. About 2 years later he remarried and now has 2 children. I’ve also remarried and my husband and I have been trying for 4 years and 9months as of today. We’ve had what we believed was a chemical pregnancy but nothing else. I’ve been checked out by Dr’s only to be told that we can try all we want but the chances of getting pregnant are 1 in a million. I’m one of 7 children. 5 of my siblings have children. I have 17 nieces and nephews just on my side. 6 on my husband’s. I love them all dearly!!! I enjoy every minute I get to spend with them, but at the end of the day I have to say goodbye. It breaks my heart every time. As much as I love them, it’s not quite the same. I hear my siblings make remarks about their kids getting on their nerves and that they are driving them crazy. Or my sister-in-law talked about how sore her back was during pregnancy and I think ” I’d give anything to have kids running and playing and getting on my nerves.” Or thinking how lucky she was to be able to experience back pain because of pregnancy instead of and aging body….. After reading this I don’t feel so alone. It finally feels like someone kinda understands how hard it is to sit back wishing more than anything that you could be a mother and not be able too… I truly needed to hear this. So once again I thank you!!
Oh, Josie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m heartbroken for you!! It’s with tears in my eyes as I write this response to you- your love for children and passionate desire to have them is so beautiful and so WORTHY of the Victor’s Cup!
I will be praying for a miracle, for you to hold a babe in your arms that is your child… longed for and dearly loved.
Please know how honored I am to hear from you and to know that somehow my words encouraged you.
Thank you for posting this. I’m ugly crying right now. Over the past 3 years I’ve had a missed miscarriage (at 12 weeks), an ectopic pregnancy, one failed medicated cycle and 3 failed medicated iuis. Infertility after loss has been devastating. I’ve had to distance myself from my friends who are mothers, from pregnant coworkers, a pregnant boss. Their happiness over their beautiful growing families frequently causes me pain, which is hard because I am also happy for them. I wish that more people were willing to talk about this hard stuff. Thank you for breaking the silence and for making me and the collective “us” feel less alone. You are an amazing person.
Oh, Nicole, your comment brings me to tears. I’m SO sorry you have had to endure such a long, horrific road of suffering and loss. I can’t even imagine how unbearable it’s all been for you. I absolutely hate the absolute unfairness of it all. It’s heartbreaking and I would give anything to change things for you. I’m so grateful my words were somehow encouraging, in some way. That was my prayer when I wrote this- to validate you and so many others who deserve more than ANYONE to have children. Thank YOU for being such an amazing woman. I’m deeply honored you came here to read this and took the time and emotional energy to respond.
This is what we need to hear. There are people I choose nor to talk to about this because they say all the wrong things, telling me to choose my attitude or that it’ll happen or that I just need to relax. But acknowledging how desperately hard I am willing to work to become a mom, saying that you see me, recognizing that there’s nothing wrong with me/that I don’t deserve infertility is huge to me.
My journey so far hasn’t been as long as some and at times I think that makes it less valid. But it’s not. It’s intense. Some days I’m fine but on others, I break down crying. So that you for seeing the intensity and the heart of those of us struggling with infertility <3
Oh, Becca, I SEE you, mama. And I’m SO glad you felt validated in ALL you are going through…
Your journey, your story, your enduring love, and intense heartache are so incredibly hard, raw, and I’m sure at times, unbearable.
I would give anything to change it for you.
Prayers and love to you, from my mama’s heart to yours…
So I’m not sure if I truly fit into this, but it still touched my heart. I am childless, and it hurts. It’s not because of infertility (I assume that’s what this is directed for), I just never found anyone to have children with, and I can’t afford IVF. As a single person, I know adoption, though possible, is unlikely. It hurts so bad. I’ve wanted kids since I was a kid myself. Every post I see that’s about pregnancy, birth, kids, milestones, and moms crushes my heart. I will never understand why I am alone and why my dreams of a family are out of reach.
Reading your comment brings me to tears with a broken heart for you and your circumstances. I am SO sorry you haven’t had the opportunity to have a family. I wish I could change things for you. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to want kids so badly and not be able to have what you’ve longed for your entire life. Praying there is still time. Praying someone perfect comes into your life that fills your heart and your home with the children you dream to have. I’m honored to hold you in prayer and grateful you shared.
I know this was written years ago… but I’m lying here literally drenched in tears after reading this. I’m approaching my son’s birthday and just drowning in grief. I’ve battled with myself so many times for feeling so much pain, shame, and anger every time I see my dear friends share pictures and updates about their little ones. It isn’t that I hate them – I’m so proud of them and love them so much and I wouldn’t wish this kind of loss on my worst enemy. But my heart still just screams “what about me?? What about my son??? Who will remember him but me.” And I just weep every time it hits me. The times when someone remembers my loss and acknowledges my dear little one mean the absolute world to me, and I can’t tell you how desperately I cling to every word in your post. I just ache to scream from the rooftops please, please, be careful with this mamas heart. Because I had to give my son back. And not that child loss should ever EVER be compared to other mother’s losses.. but my circumstances just heap agony on agony. Because my son was the result of rape. And yet I loved him. I love him still. His life is precious and I just fall to the floor in overwhelming gratitude at knowing some mom, somewhere, cares about my loss and doesn’t hate me for it.
Oh, precious mama, how my heart grieves with you. I’ve read your comment several times with tears in my eyes, feeling the weight of your sadness and heartache and pain. I absolutely hate that you have to suffer the tragic loss of your beloved baby boy. I would love to know his name, so I could acknowledge your beautiful son with the honor and love he deserves. I am praying for your strength and courage to face his birthday and I will continue to pray you through this journey no mother should have to endure. Thank you for sharing your story and your broken heart with me. I’m so incredibly honored you did. I’m so grateful my post gave you the validation and encouragement you needed to hear. Gentle hugs to you, mama.
Wow. We do not need your pity. Yikes
Sarah, I’m really sorry this piece upset you. That was truly not my intention. I was simply trying to offer compassion.