My 12-year old daughter and I are very close. She is precious and innocent and truly a light in this world. She is honest, and respectful, and committed to her grades and her love for being on the swim team. She is as adorable as she is goofy in all the fun ways, and she loves to laugh with me when we get our groove on together! She always wants to spend time with me. Actually, I think I might be her favorite person in the entire world. Yeah. She’s mine too.
She gets excited over little things, and delights in my praise and attention. She shares everything with me…everything. She tells me all about her angst, her worries, her anger at certain students for their behavior, and her thoughts on pretty much everything in her life. She always asks my advice, and honors my authority and my experience. She looks up to me and so desperately wants to make me proud, as she takes her strong steps toward individuality. She has integrity I never had at her age. She has confidence in who she is at the ground level… the rest will grow from there. When she’s upset about things, she tells me, and we talk, and she feels comforted by my hugs and words of encouragement. When I am angry at her, she hugs me and apologizes for her wrongdoings. This kid makes good decisions every day. She is growing up, all right. She is standing up for what she believes in, and she is sticking to her moral high ground that she built herself. She is polite and has impeccable manners, as she treats all people with respect and sweetness. Of course she’s not perfect, that’s not the point of all this praise. I’m simply saying that she’s pretty amazing.
Ask anyone.
This isn’t just a mama’s love.
Seriously.
She’s freaking awesome.
Now, here’s where I would get uncomfortable with those parents of older kids. Perhaps the ones who have struggled with their tweens or teens once they got into middle school or older. Honestly, I would never boast about my kid to this extreme to anyone but her father, but when I do share some good stuff, I immediately feel the need to follow my praise by eluding to that all too common warning:
“Just you wait… it’s all going to change.”
You know that one, don’t you? The threat that every mom of little kids seems to receive…
“Just you wait until they are older… they won’t be that lovable!”
“Oh, I remember when my kid was innocent and sweet like that… just you wait!”
“Oh these are the easy years! Just wait until she is hormonal!”
“You may love her now, but just wait until she drives you CRAZY when she turns ____”
“Enjoy it now, because those teen years are brutal!”
“Yeah, my girl used to be such a wonderful love too (sigh). Things change. Just you wait…it’s coming. You’re girl is gonna change.”
You get the point.
So I pull back my adoration for my girl, just as soon as I spill it out… because I know it never seems realistic to anyone, that my daughter is so- pleasant, and God forbid I think she might stay that way.
When we snuggle up together every night, we sometimes talk about her experience (or mine) in learning about the shifting culture of school, experiences with other kids her age, and the difficult dynamics of growing older. We share our common ground on pretty much everything.
I always seem to close up the conversation with, “I hope you never change, sweetie.”
And she always adamantly confirms, “Mom, I won’t ever change!”
Now see? I’m feeling the buzz start, the shudders from shoulders all across the land of parents with older girls. I just know you are all shaking your heads with that “Just you wait” eye roll.
But what if she actually doesn’t change? What if she remains obedient, honest, responsible, kind, and loving? What if?
I remember so many seasons of motherhood, where I felt the need to obey the command of the pressures of parenting. I was so insecure and completely not confident in my own choices, so I huddled under the directives of those wise ‘experts’ and fell crumbling to the ground often in a fit of failure. I tried. Oh, how I tried to live up to the expectations that surrounded my every mom move. But instead, there were times I felt lost and alone in my own shaky decisions.
I won’t allow other people’s steps ahead of mine to dictate my own path of parenting. Not anymore. I have fallen into this trap far too many times and realize that I am writing my own parenting story, and guess what?
The next few chapters might just surprise all the naysayers. It may even be the BEST part of my own parenting book. My girl may never change in those ways people warn me about. Maybe she will. But I believe in her, and I will NOT heed the warnings with despair and discouragement. I won’t feel like I’m naïve to say how much I can’t wait to see her mature. I’m not going to think I am clueless when I have every confidence that my girl will still be my favorite person in the world…
Even (gasp) when she’s a teen.
NO! Kitty you’re absolutely right. COMPLETELY 110%.
My friend Sharon’s children are a tween and a new 18 year old, and they are both absolutely utterly LOVELY and they all have such beautiful relationships and just…they’re absolutely lovely. Really truly. And there’s no reason at all that you can’t have this.
Thank you SOOOOO MUCH Lizzi!! Oh what a breath of fresh air you are to my mama heart!! I know there are beautiful relationships out there that prove the warnings wrong! I will keep praying I will always be one of them too- with BOTH my kids. <3
She sounds delightful. You are a lucky mama. It’s nice to see you posting again. I hope you’re feeling well! xo
Thanks so much for coming by, Jill! I am hanging in there, improving – slowly. Cass is truly delightful. I really am a lucky mama!
Aw, your girl is truly just a wonderful young lady so far and with you raising her I have no doubt that she will most likely never change truly in her ways, because I know in my heart of hearts with you as her mother this is a distinct possibly 😉
Oh Janine, you are such a LOVE!! Thank you so much for your encouragement!!
Such a refreshing post. I’d wager your daughter will navigate just fine through the teenage years. My two are now 19 and 21 and while we had some pretty “special” days now and then, overall they were great teens. It was a fun time. Swim club was a godsend. Gave them the ability to prioritize and they fell asleep exhausted every night!
I love your encouragement Kelly!! I think swimming will be a huge part of Cassidy’s identity and nourishment both physically and socially. I’m SO grateful she has found something she loves and is committed to investing her time and energy in regularly. I keep praying she continues on that path, despite her frustrations and discouragement with not getting the big medals/awards/trophies/placements… So far, she truly enjoys it all. She is proud of her hard work and efforts, and oh you know this mama is too!!
Wow do I relate to this, my 13 year old daughter and I have the same relationship. I too often hear those chants “oh it’s coming” and think to myself, is it, is it really? Thank you for this
Darla, I’m so so glad you get this! Hold on to your girl, and the hope that things will be beautiful and I will too!!! We surely have the foundation for a trusted and respectful relationship as our girls get older. I think we will both be just fine. Actually, even MORE than fine!!
As a mom with three teens and one who will be in two months, I can tell you that there will be moments. Moments when your daughter (or son! Boys go through it, too!) will be nothing like that sweet girl. Teenage temper tantrums are real, even in the best of kids. However, they by no means have to define teendom. My teens are awesome, with a touch of crazy thrown in to keep me on my toes.
I think as a parent I sometimes handle things wrong, mostly because I panic. When they were little, I knew that I had plenty of time to correct a behavior or attitude. Now, I know that their time in my house is very limited. I lose my own head in my OH MY GOODNESS! I CAN’T LET HIM LEAVE MY HOUSE UNLESS THIS IS DEALT WITH RIGHT NOW! thoughts. Plus, I. Still see them as my little kids. If I treat them as such, there will be a big problem. I have to keep that in check, too. I guess being a parent of teens requires a lot more tongue biting. And all will be well. 🙂
Pretty sure that comment went waaaay far off topic. 🙂
You will be just fine. I have no doubt.
It didn’t go off topic at ALL Christine!! I get it. I really do. I appreciate your insight soooo much!! I’m surely prepared for crazy and tantrums… I may have modeled that a few times for my kids to learn. LOL
I think it’s just unfair to think every teen is difficult. I wish people would admire your daughter’s good qualities before making those remarks. Keep going strong, and ignore the ‘warnings’!
Thank you so much Tarana!! I do know many teens who have a wonderful relationship with their moms, and are really good kids!! I’m stickin’ with that hope. I really appreciate the encouragement. 🙂
I have seen her in photos and videos, and I think very highly of her. She’s been through a lot. So have you. That doesn’t mean you’re exempt from “just you wait”, but I tend to think you two will be exempt from the stuff people talk about.
I never had an attitude or hormonal stuff with my mom. I never changed. I grew. That weird stuff only happened when I was 33! (joking.. sorta)
I know she will surely change as she grows up and matures… I just don’t want our relationship to ever change. I keep making sure to nourish ‘us’ as much as possible to perhaps prevent that from happening later. 🙂 Will see…
Oh Christine, this took my breath away. What a gift these words are/will always be to your daughter. I love this bold and stunning declaration of how lovely she is as well as the relationship you share. Oh my gosh, What a treasure. Thank you for all that you share.
Thank you so much Julie!! I loved seeing Cassidy’s eyes light up and her smile after I read this to her. We’ve had lots of talks about her teen years ahead… I do hope and pray our relationship is always based on trust and respect. I believe that is truly the foundation for any love!
–Ahhh, I just adore your relationship, Chris! FABULOUS! & you have much in common.
Don’t those people who say dumb stuff drive you CRAAAAAAAAZY?
They are the same people who tell you childbirth is HORRIBLE, Ghastly, & Hurts soooooo badly!
Yeah, they sort of piss me off. SHUTTT UP!
kiss from MN>
Yeah.. they sort of piss me off too! I can take the ‘helpful’ comments that are encouraging, but the ones where they are projecting their own experience of negativity on you? No thank you! Grr…
SPOT on! I applaud you and I love your positive spirit! Keep having those conversations and we will all aspire ot be like you!
OH thank you SO much for the encouragement, Kristen!! 🙂
You know I am right where you are. Nikki and I are really close and we do a lot of the same things you and your sweet girl do…we cuddle, we talk about everything, I tell her I hope we will always be this close and she says the same. Of course they change but it’s not always for the worse. Don’t listen to it. You keep doing what you’re doing. You’re a great Mama and she’s a great kid.
You know I thought of YOU, when I wrote this! I know you have the same relationship I do with your girl, Sandy!! I also thought of Hasty, and a few other moms who are really close with their daughters. I hope I’m right. I hope we’re all going to continue the closeness and trust with our girls… <3
I hope you’re right. I’m doing my best with mine too.
We’ll hope together! All we can do is our best, right? 🙂
Just you wait, she will be even more awesome. As long as she have great people surrounding her, I think she won’t change for the worse. 🙂 😉
That is my prayer Lux!! That she always has anchors to hold on to, that she can trust and grow along side with- I constantly pray for God to always provide faithful friends and loved ones to support who she is!! Thank you SO much for your belief in her!!
I love it! Don’t YOU ever change! No one can predict what your child will be like. Looks like you two have something special.
Thanks Alexa!! I won’t change… I just can’t. I just hate the pressure given to me about our future together. It sometimes shadows the joy. 🙁
Why most people need to tell you / usthis. It seems like people need to think that something terrible is going to happen. People don’t seem to believe that goodness is all arouns us to.
Your daughter looks like a lovely person. You’ve created the bond along the years and I bet you went through pretty tough days and years together.
She is a reflection of who you are Chris. She might change a bit. But she’ll stay who she is. I am pretty sure she will.
When I hear people telling me “enjoy it won’t last” I’d like to say “shut ut. How do you know?”.
Kids are all different and what happen with one does not have to happen with another. Everybody has its road to walk.
Keep the joy in Chris! Be both blessed!
OH thank you for your precious encouragement, Marie!! Yes, we have been through many trials with her health for the first decade of her life. I believe that is truly where the ground was solidified for our relationship. I am hopeful that it will never change!
she’s gonna be okay – and you’re gonna be okay 😀
I think you are right, Andi. Thank you!
Oh, that relationship sounds so sweet. I pray that my daughter’s and I might have that one day (3 years and 7 months) What do you think it was that you did (if anything) that shaped her in such a way?
Well, I would first say that God surely created a treasure in my daughter to begin with! I would surely say that the base of our relationship is grounded in honesty and respect. I believe those two factors are KEY. I respect her feelings, her voice, her ways, her questions and even her failings. I am ALWAYS honest with her, and she appreciates that even when it’s not easy. I also share parts of myself with her so that she can see my own flaws and failings… I want her to trust me, and I believe that is where trust is built. <3
Just you wait? How does anyone else know what the teen years will be like for YOUR daughter? You don’t know, she doesn’t know…it will happen as it happens.
I have no doubt that your relationship with Cassidy will continue to be strong. I have no doubt that there may be days when you think, “What is going on in that head of hers?” That’s part of growing up and becoming an adult.
So far, I have really enjoyed my daughter’s teenage years. She is smart, fun, witty, and caring. She can be a pain in the butt, but can’t we all?
Just you wait, Chris. That girl of yours is going to grow into an amazing young woman, with an amazing mom.
I was going to add in my post that very same reality! My girl JUST this morning was a pain in my BEHIND!! I called her “Princess” because she was whining about me making her breakfast. PAHLEASE! But truth is, I whine and complain and throw my tantrums ten times more than she ever does. I’ve still got her beat. 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words, Dana. Coming from you, they mean the world to me!!
Just love this, Chris. We’re each such unique individuals, there’s no grounding to say one person’s experience will dictate another’s.
Keep loving her the way you do and keep faith and confidence she’ll grow into herself the way she has been.
With heart,
Dani
Oh thank you so so much for your beautiful encouragement, my friend!! I will cling to that faith and confidence you speak of… 🙂
pshaw!! I’d tell those naysayers where to stick their negativity. you get the results you expect!!! that’s what I say. and laying this foundation now, can only serve both of you well later. so what if girls DON’T change at all because they have loving encouragement and discipline and guidance and companionship and a soft place to fall when those mistakes do happen? what if it’s really that simple? putting your faith in your children and letting them know that you believe in them — might actually help them become the very best version of themselves?? imagine that.
Whine and complain about a future that hasn’t even happened: I bet you get whiners and complainer!
you reap the harvest you sow: so sow good seeds and grow good futures, I say.
*Stands up at her laptop and begins to slow clap*
AMEN SISTER!!!!!
I have my fingers crossed for you. And if she hasn’t gone to the dark side by the time she’s twelve, you just may be one of the lucky ones:). My daughter will be 11 in September – she’s been a wild thing since she was 3. I’m hoping I’ll get the opposite:)
Ha! Well, I was a wild thing and I turned out *okay*- so there’s that, Allie!! LOL
My fingers are crossed for us both!!