“There’s always tomorrow to get things done.”
My friend claims, dismissing my angst about ‘so much to do’ for superficial conversation.
“Yeah, I know.”
I respond, knowing full well she has no idea what I mean.
I wish it were that easy for me to allow life to pull forward while leaving the upkeep behind. I’ve never been one to handle things when everything in my world seems to run rampant. I need order and some semblance of organization, or things start to get fuzzy and I become agitated, unnerved, thrown off. I have learned that just letting things go for a few days will catapult me into a tailspin of epic proportions. It takes me to a place of paralysis, when I’m not on top of the day to day things most people easily take for granted, that I so desperately wish I could too.
I often choose this neglect, because in my mind I know that there are times when going and doing and being there for others is worth the cost. I choose this because schedules rise with momentum and I refuse to miss out on those moments that matter, despite the ongoing neglect of those things that keep me together. I often wish I could stop the flow of life to gauge the impact of what will come. I feel it seeping into those dark places I try to keep from opening, because I know myself well enough to understand those sure signs of anxiety will erupt if I don’t tend to things that help dismantle its power. If I don’t pace myself… I will fall- hard.
The next day it hits…
I pass the overflowing laundry baskets in the hallway, clothes from the week just waiting to be washed and dried and folded and put away. I keep adding more to this already overbearing heap. I stare at it, stuck in a hypnotic gaze- paralyzed. I know I need to get to this enormous task as soon as possible, but my thoughts go blurry and I can’t quite focus in on the accuracy of my intentions or the ability to move forward at all.
I brush my teeth, while looking at the mirror that has splashes of dried drops and smeared toothpaste fogging my view. I dare to take a full room assessment of the destruction that needs to be redeemed. I’m sick about this mess. The toilet alone disgusts me. I walk away with a twisted knot once again appearing in my throat, and my mind goes numb with no clarity on where to even begin. I am frozen with the dread of the deed and I feel the shame rising with each corner of my life unattended, neglected, becoming a wasteland if I don’t address it now.
I open the fridge and stare at all its contents. It’s utter wreckage, full of mismatched stacks of containers from last week’s meals and rotting produce left to wither and die before use. It’s so grossly packed in, I can barely see what is stored behind the first layer of trash. I know I need to clean it all out, but I can’t. Not now. I’m simply too overwhelmed at the thought of doing such a task. So I freeze. Things get blurry, and I feel it coming on- the panic, the dread, the anxiety that grabs my mind and holds it captive. I let too much go for too long, and now I must manage the monster.
I glance over at the pile of books I need to read. I spot the book we are reading for my women’s group that I need to get to before Monday. Alongside are the books I started and didn’t finish. There’s the pile of books I need to read for reviews and the books I promised myself I would read months, maybe years ago. I stare at them, not knowing which one to begin or finish, once again feeling overwhelmed at the thought of what seems like an impossible feat. I want so desperately to read them all, now. I chastise myself for not finding the time to do such a thing, and the shame pours over me, paralyzing me once again. Now isn’t the time to tackle this, I just can’t concentrate well enough to read.
I sit down and stare at the computer, the inbox stacked with unread emails needing to be opened and read and responded to, the blogs I need to be reading and the work I need to be doing seems like a challenge I will never accomplish. I need to create, submit, reach out, engage, and connect with the writing world. I’m paralyzed once again, knowing full well that when days go by in the blogging world without my attention, I become overwhelmed trying to catch up on the frequent pace I have lost. I don’t know where to begin, do I write or reach? I think about so many bloggers I need to support, and my mind races through all the ‘to do’s’ that I haven’t been able to do. I can’t find a place to begin, I can’t clear my head enough to have a plan. I walk away, thinking if I could get my home in order- perhaps my head will follow.
I realize I haven’t gotten back to friends, carpool connections, ministry group chats, or calling my dad who I miss and have been thinking about more than usual these days. I decide these things must be addressed first- before the cleaning, the putting back together everything else, as I hope this liberates my state of paralysis. I look at my phone, cautiously- knowing full well, that this too could take me down. I start going through my texts, beginning to inch toward doing something, anything productive. Just this alone, begins to cut one string of chains. I return texts, set up reading assignments and schedules for rides. I begin to write my list of calls to make, doctor appointments, grocery lists, and I plan to call dad later, when I am more stable. I can’t call anyone right now, because I can barely put words together in my head- let alone in my voice. It pains me to think through it all, because the effort it takes is appallingly alarming. This fierce force that grips me, can suck all my strength and extinguish my spirit, leaving nothing but exhaustion.
I’m stuck in the thick mess of my mind. I try taking another step- not knowing what footing to follow because there’s so much- too much to grasp in the blurry haze of my madness. I want to surrender and go back to bed. I want to give up, but I know that the buzzing of my body will not relent. The surges will electrify my nerves over and over again, so I must take these steps toward this blaze and try to slowly put it out.
That’s always how this goes. Every corner I turn to spot another massive thing to do, another pile, another overflowing something that needs to be tended to, and I am struck with this relentless attack of anxiety. All these things I see become larger than me, and my radar for every single area I must address becomes more apparent as my mind spins out of control. My breath twists into gasps and every muscles tightens, leaving me bound in both breathlessness and fierce tension. This can all barricade me in my own rubble for days, suffocating me in, feeling blocked from moving forward to chisel at the seemingly endless wall that confines me. I know it is ridiculous, and this catapults me even deeper into disgust and disgrace.
Why am I such a mess? How can things so easily create my downfall?
I attempt to minimize my plight, dismissing it as trivial and surely nothing worth voicing. My tiny little world is full of good things and these heaps of overbearing weight should not be holding me down. These pressures I put on myself are punitive and punishing, and not deserved. None of this is the end of the world, nor is it even worthy of falling apart. Why do I allow it to attack me so hard?
I have yet to figure out a quick fix for this grip of anxiety, yet I know one thing and this truth is what I cling to in the throes of my captivity:
I will get through this and come out on the other side.
I squeeze this reality in the palm of my sweaty hand, and bow my head to relieve those twisted strands of muscle in my neck. I pull my arms up over my head, to open my airways as I gasp for freshly forced air to fill my lungs, fuel my spirit, and awaken in me that one part that seems to defy the enemy within. And I whisper a quiet prayer for help.
Although I can’t feel it, I know that it’s there…
Hope.
It’s buried beneath all the mess, but its tiny warm vapors will continue to rise and radiate into my frozen dismantled world, and soften the hard boundaries that keep me captive, slowly melting each chain away…
Until inevitably, I can move again.
I can relate to things getting out of control. Anxiety doesn’t paralyze me, but for too many it does. Your vivid words helps me understand better. Praying for you and all of the anxious mom’s who read this post. You are strong to write such a post. Hugs friend.
I used to get overwhelmed until I said enough. I looked at all the things I had to do and then I paralyzed my self and didn’t get much done. So started with one thing at a time, one mess at a time, one room at a time, one day at a time.I even time how much time I spent on social media, just starting at Facebook I realized that in that 30 minutes I could have done more productive because it would haunt my mind later. Also ask for help and even hired a reasonable affordable house keeper. I would full time, PTA member, and very involved in my child activities I realized that “stuff” was not important but had to find a way of managing it because it was managing me instead. Instead of living in the moment we can get lost. I know you will find a way. You recognized the problem and are asking for help to free your self. Thank you for being so brave!
I love your comment, Ana. You sharing your experience with this, helped me very much! I really truly appreciate everything you said. 🙂
Oh Jen, I adore you for coming by to comment, my friend! When I saw it that first morning after I had published this, I felt so comforted by your words of encouragement. I also LOVE that this can help those who do not experience this anxiety can understand better- such a wonderful point. Thank you, love. SO much! <3
So been there myself, but you are right hope pulls me through thankfully each and every time!
There is SO much comfort in knowing I am NOT alone. Thank you, Janine. XOXO
There’s always a time when we feel like crap looking at all the things that need to be done. And then you’re right Chris, one prayer can change it all. When hope is finding its way, we know that one way or another, we’ll make it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. It’s of great help I can assure you!
Oh Marie, I love that you totally get this message, my friend. I was afraid people would get lost in the whirl of anxiety I depicted here- but rather, you captured the prayer and the hope. THAT is the most important part of this piece. Thank you, my friend.
It’ s like you wrote this post for me!
Hope is a wonderful thing to grab hold of to help get through these things some find trivial but we don’t.
I vacuumed my bedroom room at 6am this morning because beige carpet is stupid.
I think I’m falling in love with you, Kisma. That is all. 🙂
My anxiety is more worry based – but I do get itchy when the house cleaning isn’t done. A little dust…I have to fix it. I’ve found cognitive based therapy has helped my anxiety a great deal. It’s not for everyone…but might be worth looking into.
I get worry, my friend. I think I probably have that kind of anxiety too- both most often tolerable in many ways, with life long, well worn techniques I’ve used through the years… but oh when they sneak up and spiral out like this, I absolutely hate it. I may look into this cognitive therapy. I remember it well from years ago, so revisiting it might be good for me. Thanks, my friend. <3
Oh my. Are we living parallel lives? I felt like you were walking me past my laundry, my fridge, my mess. I can’t return calls either…almost never. I can’t focus on where to begin. Reading is a blur. It will and does get better, but paralysis and shame are good words to describe it! I would rather meet a need outside my own home…a heart need. I think we also have too much complex to tend to. In simpler days, the division of labor each day was more set, less spread out, less distracting. We pull ourselves in too many directions, and I don’t think it brings us closer to God—we move more away from Him. I’m learning afresh how good Be Still feels again. How healthy. How restorative! Praying for both of us! Love, Bon xoxo
OH Bonnalade… when I read your comment (last week? Ugh- so behind) I literally teared up. It means the world to me that you shared your experience and oh do I need to learn to “Be Still” again… What a wonderful reminder for me to let that be a prayerful focus this week. Thank you, love. <3
I, too, churned inwardly for many years with children, career, chores, to many to do’s, and the lists and stacks. The hope I can share is that sometime after my 50th birthday I began saying No, without guilt, to many tasks and my life began to flow much smoother. Good luck.
That’s encouraging Letty! I’m almost there then. LOL
Actually I have really improved over the years, so I get how you transformed after 50. I hate that I still struggle with this. BUT I do acknowledge great progress as well. So there’s that. 🙂
I absolutely get paralyzed. It’s bad. I’m a big picture person. I look at everything at once and then freeze. Whereas, Cassidy can look at things as tasks and lists, one by one. I don’t do that.. as well.
The house was a problem. I finally hired someone to come twice a month. She’s magic. My wallet hurts but my anxiety lessens!
Yeah, Derek is so chill when it comes to this stuff too. He never gets worked up over these types of things… I love that about him. He has a way of anchoring me in. 🙂
Good for YOU for hiring someone to come to your house. You work HARD and deserve that help, Tamara!
We are so much alike.
I know it’s a short comment, but I just wanted to say that.
That short comment gave me HUGE relief. Thank you, love bug. SO so very much. <3
My sweet, sweet Kitty. I’m so sorry life’s got to you like this. I know well the feeling of paralysis of having Too Many Things At Once, and all of them add up and utterly overwhelm. I’m glad you’re finding small ways through it, and remember, you’ve done it before, and you’ll do it again. Perhaps for a while, everyone could pull together to support you. If only I was closer, I’d be all too happy to come and do laundry for you and sort your fridge out while you dealt with emails. *HUGS*
Christine W has a habit of doing just 15 minutes each day. Perhaps that’s a strategy you could adopt – just do 15 minutes, and then SOME of it will be done.
(I’m sure you’ve tried all the strategies, and my suggestions are probably unhelpful, but it’s in my nature to want to fix things, and also in my nature to barge ahead and say things in a blundering sort of manner, so…there’s that)
I love you. Hang onto that hope <3
Oh Tigger, your advice and gentle love offerings are so SO precious to me. *ALWAYS*
I am a SAHM and good Lord what a shame if I can’t do this on my own! ACK, that makes me cringe! I really can handle it all, it’s just overwhelming much quicker to me than most people. I really struggle with this anxiety when ‘undone’ things start to build up and especially when the house (and our schedules) are out of order. Can’t do it. Well, I can- but only for a little bit before I start losing it!
Also, there are days it just comes out of nowhere… nothing can prevent or prepare for that.
I’m just so grateful for meds. AND the fact that my anxiety has truly gotten better over the years, for the most part. 🙂
Oh yes! You know I struggle with anxiety too. Some days are just like this and it’s beyond hard.
Thanks so much for sharing your plight. So thankful for the Lord and the peace He gives when I feel like I’m drowning.
Much love to you.
xoxo
Thanks so much for walking alongside me in this ick, Jennifer. I know you suffer too, and there is truly a sense of comfort knowing there is another sister out there who struggles with the same stuff. Prayer is most definitely part of the ‘treatment plan’ for this. <3
Oh, wow, how I could relate to this. I sometimes become paralyzed with the sheer amount of things I have convinced myself I need to do. I get overwhelmed by the state of my home, my to-do list, the people I want to connect to. I eventually pull through it, but in the moment it’s an awful state to be in.
Exactly Bev! It’s awful… and like you, sometimes I can pull through it quickly and start diving in, slowly alleviating that panic-but other times it takes so many episodes of panic to push through it all… Those are the worst days. I’m really grateful you shared that you too struggle with this, my friend. That really comforted me.
Wow Chris you brought me into the eye of the tornado.. I felt the claustraphobia severe anxiety..the paralysis facing a dirty home..I too resist cleaning! We all go faster and faster..doing too much..motherhood leaves us ragged..of course we have anxiety! What strong writing. You dragged me right in..thank God we have God to help is untangle from the strangle of anxiety!
Kathy,I have started and stopped a post like this countless times. It was SO hard for me to write, and I honestly didn’t want to publish it. I hate revealing this ugly underside- but I realized I must. It is a part of my lifelong struggle- and oh has God grown me through it and relieved much of it! For that I’m so grateful… and for MEDICINE. LOL 🙂 It still trips me up at times, and is surely a part of my every day in some degree. A lifelong challenge…
Thank you so much for your support of both this awful ‘stuff’ and my description of it, my friend. I’m so grateful.
I’m sitting in Departures, waiting for a delayed flight, and thought I might as well catch up on some blog reading. It seems apt that yours was the first I read. I’m so sorry to see that you go through this anxiety and overwhelm. You are right though, that you can get through it.
I was particularly struck by these sentences: “These pressures I put on myself are punitive and punishing, and not deserved. None of this is the end of the world, nor is it even worthy of falling apart. Why do I allow it to attack me so hard?” Absolutely the pressures are not deserved. Something I’ve found very helpful is at to recognise that self-punishment doesn’t help, just makes it harder to do anything, and to choose kindness instead. (I realise that in the grip of anxiety that’s not easy, so the thing is to notice before the anxiety builds up and choose it then. And choose it again and again and again… you deserve THAT. )
BTW, everybody else doesn’t manage better than you – they probably think you are managing and they aren’t.
I relate to so much of this. When my anxiety got bad in college, it manifested in my eating disorder behaviors. One suggestion from my counselor that I actually found quite helpful was to make TWO daily “to do” lists: a HAVE to do, and a “bonus” list. That way I could be more realistic about my time, and having things written down and checked off allowed me to put them out of my mind.
Oh Sam, I’m sorry you struggled with this too. I love that advice- I just might try those two lists. I usually ‘star’ the stuff I must do! But two lists will make it less overwhelming to see it all on one page.
Hope, always hang on to that, my friend. I so feel your pain here, Chris. We are sisters in anxiety. I feel like you were walking through my house and head when writing this, the laundry, bathrooms, piles of unread books… I’m walking beside you. Thank you for sharing these beautiful, moving words on something that truly grips so many of us. XOXO!
I felt very uncomfortable for me to write this down… I’ve started and stopped a post like this countless times and couldn’t finish it! It’s a part of me that needs to be exposed here… I’ve touched on it a bit through the years, but never really went into this depth before. It is a HUGE relief to know so many amazing women have similar experiences with anxiety. Thank you, Candace, for walking alongside me in this- and yes my sister! SOLIDARITY! 🙂
Hi Chris! Seriously. Are you in my head this morning? I started making a list of things to do, and promptly got overwhelmed. I’m going to Indiana tomorrow to help my daughter with the grandkids, and it has put a serious monkey wrench in my week. I had a speaking gig last Saturday, so my house didn’t get it’s weekly clean, and looks like it’s not going to get it this weekend either.
I can only throw myself on the mercy of God and know that I’ll get exactly what needs to be done locked up, and that the rest will wait. My anxiety only grows when I give into the feeling of lost control. Ick. May we both march bravely into the fight, knowing we’ll come out shining on the other side. And you will, you know…
Like Cassidy, just work on being awesome.
Ceil
I LOVE that you get this, Ceil!! One of my daily prayers ESPECIALLY when I’m like this is, ‘God, what do YOU want me to do next?” I try so hard to focus on what I believe He would like me to focus on, with that same hope that He will somehow bless my choice. It’s so hard to be in that overwhelming place. Ick is right. I hope you enjoyed your trip to Indiana and embraced those precious grand kids, Ceil!
You are normal. You are only one person each day doing what one person can do. One day at a time!
Thanks mom. One day at a time. 🙂
Hang on to that hope my dear friend! ❤️
Thank you love. <3
Oh girl, I had an anxiety attack Just reading this. But I can relate!!!!! I can offer platitudes, but they won’t really help. You have to let it go(which is kind of what I’ve done… I admit surrender, it’s freeing. The other option is to start say no and ask for help;)!. Sending love and peace!
Yeah… I really do know all the things to do to help this anxiety- but I’ll be honest. Sometimes I just cannot LET. IT. GO. and that is my biggest barrier in this mess. I’ve really done MUCH better at this, as I’ve grown older! You know what else triggers my anxiety? GLUTEN. Yeah. It’s really amazing how I am affected by it. Thanks for your support, my friend. These episodes are much fewer now, so I’m grateful for THAT. 🙂
I wish I could help you, Chris! I’m glad you can see the hope in all of that anxiety. I’m sort of the opposite – I refuse to let anything get away from me, and so instead of being paralyzed I am high strung and stressed about keeping all the balls in the air. Neither approach is good for us, but it’s hard to break the cycle.
I get that, Dana! I used to be that way!! And I still am… which is why when I DO drop balls, I totally lose it. I try so hard to embrace life’s events and timeline without limiting myself because of all ‘those things to do’- but when I do, I often find myself here in this pit. Ack. Will still keep trying… I’ll meet you in the middle, girl. 🙂
This is how I feel so often; thank you for sharing! I just freeze sometimes with all the things I need to do, and then nothing gets done! And oh, I am the best procrastinator!
Ginny, thank you SO much for coming by to chime in! It really helps so much to know we are all not alone in this. It is how we operate and if we can find ways to overcome those paralyzing grips we get ourselves into, I think that will be helpful for us all. I KNOW what I need to do to keep this from spiraling, but LIFE doesn’t always go as planned and certainly doesn’t pair well with order at times! We’ll just keep trying, my friend. 🙂
I have to be so incredibly organized to stay on top of things these days. I am involved in so much more than just my house and home. Although people make the mistake of thinking that just because I am a stay at home mom I have all kinds of free time on my hands. Um no. I find ways to serve to keep those hands busy.
And it takes an incredible amount of time management skill.
This is above any personal time like exercise and blogging or oh my gosh.. how even read a book??!!
So many others seem to be able to just call me up in the morning – hey let’s do something – like they have nothing at all to do. Just always free, well I am always busy. And it’s a sore spot with them when I have to say no. I get anxiety from having to say no to my friends all the time. Am I a bad friend because I won’t always drop everything I had planned that day to accommodate their whim? Do I not get how friendship works at all? What is wrong with me?!!!
At the same time thinking, honestly, would it kill any of them to actually plan anything in advance perhaps?? Since they never seem to have anything to do, and are fully aware of how much I do have on my plate?
But no. Spontaneity is their rule, and organization is mine.
And I won’t apologize. I have a feeling that the space for spontaneity was built on the backs of those people who actually get shit done. And the truth of the matter is, right or wrong/for better or worse, I am the type of person who cannot really sit back and relax and really connect IF I know there are a ton of tasks that I was supposed to get to that day.
I can’t help it – it’s how I work. And I am not entirely convinced that I have to change.
Oh girl… I truly understand. I think some people operate so differently than us, they can’t get it and don’t get it. I am EXACTLY like you. But I have been in that place where I cancel or can’t make plans because I have too much to do, and many people don’t get that this isn’t a brush off or dismissal of them. It’s truly about needing to keep my sanity and wellness in check.
I honestly admire people who are spontaneous! I wish I were more like them… It’s just how THEY operate, and we can’t begrudge them for that, just like we don’t want them to do the same to us. <3
Oh Christine, I am so sorry you must go through this and I so get it. I experience that kind of anxiety too. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with all of us. It’s important to know we’re not alone and that YOU are not alone. Yes to hope and remembering, believing that it’s there. xo
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging words, Lisa. <3 I'm so glad you came by. 🙂
Like everyone else here, I get this! It is a struggle we are definitely not alone in. I can get into a crazy cycle of stopping everything and then it feels way too uncomfortable, so I pile on way too much again, then stop, then start again…My mom used to say ‘the housework will always be there (just go enjoy life).’ May God give you His comfort of peace today that all will get done it it’s proper timing.
I have tried myself to let it go… but I have learned that does not work for me! Oh, how I wish I could!! I’m exactly like you in that trying to stop and simply enjoy life for a while feels way too uncomfortable, and yeah- then back to it all again. I’ve gotten better at pacing myself the older I get, so that is good! I’m grateful for growth. 🙂
This is my life too. I can relate. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by it all. So much to do, not enough time, and things don’t get done that need to get done, because they’re not a priority. And some of them should be a priority! And I need to sleep more, I wonder if that would help too. It probably would…I’d have a clearer head to start the day with. Happy weekend, my friend. 🙂
Oh Michelle, your words are exactly what I think too. I absolutely need more sleep. I know you are extremely busy and a mover and a shaker with much going on in your life! I suppose some it is just ‘in us’ but perhaps we could do better at caring for ourselves, yes? Let’s keep each other accountable. 7 hours every night! What do ya say? 🙂
What a comfort to know we’re in this together, Christine. I see you are in good company and I am right there with you all. Though our reasons may vary, I struggle with anxiety at times too. One particular trigger for me causes such acute anxiety that it feels like unsurvivable while it’s happening : ( Sending you hugs and prayers, friend.
Oh Sybil, that sounds awful. I’m so sorry you have that trigger to manage and I do pray it doesn’t happen often.
This anxiety. Ugh. It was really hard to write this- but I needed to. I had to be real. It’s a comfort to know I am not alone.